


What it cost

by maraudersarea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Developing Relationship, Did I mention pining?, Drug Use, First War with Voldemort (mentioned), Flashbacks, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), Like really really slow, M/M, Memories, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Sharing a Bed, Sirius needs help, Slow Burn, Sometimes fluffy, and the amount of rejections?, did I mention slow burn?, friends to lovers to enemies to friends to lovers?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2020-08-13 17:13:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 62,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20177848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersarea/pseuds/maraudersarea
Summary: No one told Sirius how hard it is to heal 12-year-old wounds. but Sirius doesn't give up or at least he tries.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the characters belong to J.K.Rowling but the story is mine :)  
Wolfstar during OOTP, I hope you enjoy  
I also have to tell you that English isn't my native language so I'm sorry if you find any mistakes :(

The way to Remus' House was way longer than he expected. He had a lot of things going on in his mind. He was worried about his godson and felt guilty about leaving him right after everything that had happened. Voldemort was back and he was after Harry. None of them were safe anymore, NONE OF THEM. Sirius wanted to give himself some hope, after all, Dumbledore was collecting the order members again and he sent him to find the old fighters and give them the news, although he wasn't quite ready to face them. And now he was on his way to Remus. Last time he saw him was at Hogwarts in shrieking shack, where they found out the truth about him and then Wormtail ran off. After that Sirius didn't see Remus or even write to him, he thought Remus would probably not want to hear from him because of the history they had. He tried though, he really did, but there was nothing he could say and now Dumbledore told him to lie low there. He wanted to be happy about seeing Remus but imagining his friend's reaction didn't let that happen. Has he really forgiven him like he said? He said he was also sorry about thinking that Sirius was the traitor but Sirius knew Remus had nothing to do with it. It was all his fault, he messed things up between them during the first war. And it was him who suspected Remus. Why would Remus ever forgive him for that? Sirius knew he could never heal the old wounds and now that he was going to see him, he had to tell him that Voldemort was back and they all might die. 'Good reunion eh?'. 4 days travelling on foot as Padfoot, mostly at nights, because the Aurors were everywhere, made him really exhausted. He was hungry, he had a lot of pain and he couldn't take it any longer until he was finally there.


	2. Chapter 2

He waited in front of the door, not sure what to do, it was an old apartment in a muggle town and there were so many muggles around him so he couldn't change. He looked around, it was a suicide if he turned into his human form, his pictures were everywhere to be seen. He had to wait till night. Luckily not much later a man opened the main door with a garbage in his hand. Sirius recognized him immediately. His stomach twisted when he saw the wrinkles around Remus' eyes, there were some grey hairs between his brown ones, and he had some new scars. Sirius used to adore Remus' scars, he'd spent a lot of time studying them or touching them or kissing them. He even recognized some familiar old scars in distance. Remus put the garbage in the corner, not sensing the black dog watching him yet. He turned back to go inside when he faced the black dog. Remus was shocked, surely he recognized Padfoot immediately. Sirius couldn't read his mind. this wasn't the reunion he had expected, they both stood still and stared at each other's eyes. Sirius had expected a hug or at least a sign of happiness on his friend's face, like the last time, but apparently he was not going to get it. Why was he so disappointed, he wondered, well he didn't even get a smile, maybe that's why! For a moment he thought Remus made a little movement, when they heard a voice coming from across the street.

"Remus!" Padfoot turned around to see who was calling. It was a woman coming closer to them with her dog. "Remus, hi!" she said friendly.

"oh, Rachel!" Remus looked nervously to Padfoot and then Rachel "Hi!" he smiled

'wow, you haven't seen your old friend for a long time and you didn't give me a smile, but you smile to a stranger girl, well done Moony' Sirius thought

"Where were you?" she asked before her dog jumped on Remus and started licking his face "OSCAR! You don't jump on people just like that! BAD DOG!" she said

"it's okay" Remus laughed "miss you too buddy" 

Padfoot was feeling strange in his stomach and he let out a bark unintentionally.

"Oh, whose dog is this?" Rachel asked

"one of my relatives" Remus put Oscar down "we should get in"

"oh" said Rachel disappointed

"See you later" Remus waved at her before she could say anything else 


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius transformed as soon as they were inside. Remus didn't look at him, he took out his wand and cast some protecting spells around the house, in case any of the Aurors or dementors showed up. Sirius coughed, hoping it would make Remus to look at him.

"He's back"

For a moment it was like Sirius had just poured cold water over Remus' head, Remus' face lost all its colour and Sirius regretted saying it so fast without any preparation.

"Harry?" Remus asked worried

"He's fine now... He was there when it happened"

"God, my...... what? How? Wha--?"

"Relax Remus, he's fine now" Sirius wanted to go and comfort him but he almost fell, he really couldn't walk anymore so he sat on a sofa near to the door.

"How could Dumbledore let that happen?"

"He's not a god Moony! We knew it was going to happen sooner or later

"How?" Remus asked again

"Wormtail, Voldemort, Barty crouch jr" Sirius closed his eyes "They had planned this the whole year"

"Barty crouch jr? I heard about his father...."

"yeah he killed him"

"but wasn't he supposed to be in Azkaban?"

"turned out I wasn't the only one who escaped"

"But how did he...."

"He took the place as a defence against the dark arts teacher this year... You really shouldn't have left... He pretended he was Moody with the little help of polyjuice potion"

"Moody? Alastor Moody?"

"yes the very same"

"He pretended to be mad-eye and no one realized something was wrong?"

"Looks like Barty jr was an expert in his job... he spent the whole damn year with Harry... oh god Remus!" Sirius sighed

"Don't think about it" Remus closed his eyes and tried to control his emotions "he's fine now as you said... I read about Harry in the prophet, that he was one of the champions in Triwizard tournament... I was worried about him the whole year, hoping that I wouldn't see any bad news anywhere and then I read he dealt with a fucking dragon..."

"I KNOW RIGHT?! Isn't that fucking amazing?" Sirius yelled

"Yeah I was really proud," Remus said "after I found out he made it out alive"

"So was I" They both smiled 

"Barty jr was the one who put his name in the goblet," Sirius said after a while "just so he would end up in graveyard..."

"Graveyard?"

"yes, they had to go in a maze to find the cup. turned out it was a portkey that brought both Harry and the poor Hufflepuff boy in a graveyard straight to Voldemort... They didn't need that poor hu..."

"The Cedric Diggory boy?"

"Yeah, you knew him?"

"He was one of my students, yes, and I heard he was one of the champions as well"

"Wormtail killed him" 

"oh god" Remus hid his face in his hands

"then he took Harry's blood to resurrect Vol..."

"WE SHOULD'VE KILLED THAT TRAITOR RAT!"

"I know" Sirius bit his bottom lip out of anger, "Harry told me that he had to fight him, I couldn't talk with him for long... God Remus, you had to see him he was so broken and I was so angry that I couldn't be with him or calm him down somehow you know? I'm his fucking godfather and I'm never able to protect him..."

"Hey, that's not true..."

"All he said was that he couldn't leave his body behind, that the boy asked him to bring his body back and that Voldemort couldn't kill him because of James and Lily...."

"J-James?"

"yes... and Lily... and the boy"

"they were there? How?..."

"Dumbledore has his assumptions" Sirius closed his eyes "They are always there even though they're gone"

There was a long pause between them after that, none of them knew what to say

"you must be tired and hungry," Remus said "I'll prepare the dinner but first you have to take a shower... You stink"

"thanks"

"Come on" he stood up and Sirius followed him to the bathroom

"you just need some hot water" he pointed to Sirius' clothes "and you definitely have to get rid of those"

"This is all I have," said Sirius broken 

"I'll give you some of mine, if that's fine?... they're not much to compliment but better than yours anyway"

Sirius nodded

"Take them off and give them to me, I'll get rid of them"

"no, you don't have to bother" Sirius was ashamed of his clothes and his body. He used to be proud of his body, walking around naked all the time showing off how perfect he was. But now he could understand why Remus never liked to take off his clothes around people, he didn't want people to see his scars, no matter how many times Sirius would say they looked good. But now Sirius could understand.

"I won't look" Remus seemed to be able to read his mind

Sirius gave his clothes to Remus and went under the shower. "please don't close the door" he said before Remus left. When the hot water touched his skin and washed off all his dirt he let out a moan and felt like he was in heaven. he wanted to stay there forever. Remus came in one more time to put his new clothes there

"What would you like to eat for dinner," he asked, not looking at Sirius' direction

"I-em---I...." there were a lot of things Sirius wanted to eat. He hadn't eaten properly for almost 14 years. he only ate enough to keep him alive "I-I don't know"

"I'll see what I have"

The shower was great. he didn't want to leave it. He took the clothes Remus left for him and started to smell them. He closed his eyes, so many memories passing through his mind, a tear falling out from his eye, suddenly he remembered how much he'd missed him, how much he still misses him. 

"Moony?" no response "Moony???" he called again louder. He was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly an anxiety feeling filled his body. Why was he so worried? What was he afraid of? Why was he feeling so strange, so nervous? "R-Remus?" he called again, his hands were shaking and he couldn't stand on his feet anymore.

"Why are you scared, idiot? Why are you scared?" said a voice in his mind. ever since the Azkaban Sirius had these two complete different personalities in his mind. better to say, it was like his spirit was divided in 2 persons. One of them got stronger and stronger by the time. He was the one who was telling Sirius that 'there is no hope'...... 'you should have died!'...... 'it is all your fault' ...... 'you don't deserve love. you don't deserve forgiveness'....... 'you let them down! He was your best friend and you're the reason he's dead'....... 'Sirius Black, what an idiot! So easy to be manipulated! You let him play with you and fool you. He made you trust him and lose your real friends!'

"Tell me, do you think Remus would ever forgive you for not trusting him?" said the voice again

"Stop" the hopeful part of him wanted to fight but there was not much left of him

"you are weak! Are those tears in your eyes? You're pathetic! Can't blame him for not being able to look at you!"

"Stop" Sirius grabbed his hair and screamed "STOP"

"it's funny how you pretend that Azkaban has not changed you! You've become mad. You have no friends. no one loves you! Isn't that what you were always afraid of? You're gonna die alone and no one will care!"

"H-Harry would"

"Harry? Do you still believe he has a chance? He'll die and you can't protect him!"

"SHUT UP"

"your ex-lover is now somewhere turning you in. be positive! At least you'll be good money for him"

"he would n-never ......"

"where do you think he is now? What is he doing? Why didn't he say he was leaving?"

"He would never do that to me... He forgave me! He's my friend. He said that!"

"he spent 12 years hating you! You think forgiveness is easy to earn? You believe you deserve that?"

"n-n..."

"you still think you have a chance with him??? He has moved on a long time ago. You saw him with that girl, right? How do you know he's not with someone right now? How do you know he's not in love with someone else? How many men do you think he's been with, to forget you? ...... other men who...."

"shut up... SHUT UP"

"What's going on?" the door cracked open and Remus was standing there horrified "Are you alright?"

"Where were you?" Sirius was still shaking "YOU LEFT!"

"I went shopping! I had nothing left in home. I usually don't shop since I'm alone most of the time and I don't eat much" Remus went to the kitchen "Besides, I told you I'll be back soon why are you..."

"no, you didn't!"

"yes I did! I said Sirius I'm getting something for dinner. I'll be back soon"

"well I didn't hear that"

"Clearly not, what was that all about? Your face was so pale! Why were you ......" Remus closed his eyes, realizing why his friend was so scared. He opened his mouth twice to tell something but he couldn't. the words he wanted to say were so hurtful

"it's not what you think," Sirius said

"you d-don't trust me" Remus laughed. It was a bitter laugh. Sirius wished he would be mad and angry but not disappointed.

"After all this time..."

"No Remus you have to hear me out. It's not what you think, I promise"

"It's okay" Remus laughed again. It was definitely not ok, Sirius thought "it's okay... I understand now! why I haven't heard anything from you... You've been running and hiding for a year and you never wrote me once because you don't trust me"

"No" Sirius yelled. His eyes were almost full with tears "I trust you with my life. I trust you more than anything, more than myself!"

Remus shook his head

"NO! Remus... you have to believe me!" Sirius begged, "I have nothing more in my life and I can't bear to lose you again over something that stupid!"

"It's not stupid! ...... besides, why do you think you'd lose me when you don't have me at all?"

The last words hurt Sirius, like someone just stabbed him and tore up his heart. the dark side of him completely won this time. There was nothing more to hope.

"you want to know why I didn't write to you this whole time? or why I didn't come to visit you?" Sirius closed his eyes when a tear fell down. He felt sick. He felt weak. But he continued talking. "I tried but every time I wanted to write something or every time I thought about seeing you again I remembered how I destroyed everything between us then I thought you'd be better without me because all I've ever done was hurting you... No matter how much I loved you, no matter how much I cared about you, you were the one who I hurt the most" Sirius cried "you said you forgive me but I remembered how many times you've actually said that, how many times I messed up and you said you'd forgive me...... but the truth is" Sirius paused "everything I've done tore us apart...... you want to know what my greatest sin is? .... It's how many times I've let you down.... I can't do that again. I can't look at you every day knowing how much you hate me ...... you s-say I don't trust you but the truth is, I was afraid that you decide that I'm the one who can't be trusted again"

Remus didn't say anything. He just stood there and listened. There was a long silence after Sirius was finished. No words were coming out from Remus so Sirius decided to talk again

"you really wanted to hear something from me?"

"of course I did" Remus sighed "Every day ....... Every day I read the prophet hoping I wouldn't see any bad news. That was the only way I could know if you're okay."

"oh ...." 

There was another long pause after that. but Remus broke it again

"It's not true you know" he turned his back to Sirius and started to take some plates out of cabinets "I-I don't hate you"

Hearing those words from Remus didn't help Sirius like he thought it would. It wasn't exactly what he needed to hear from Remus. It just reminded him how everything's changed and that all they used to have is now irreversible. Once in a lifetime, those words were 'I Love You' and now it was replaced with 'I don't hate you'.

'you know this was your doing, right? What did you expect? Love? He only said he doesn't hate you because he pities you! Hell he didn't even mean that' the voice inside his head said but Sirius tried to ignore it. 

"What do you want for dinner?" Remus asked "Lasagna?"

"Lasagna? Yes!"

"Good! I knew you'd pick Lasagna so I only bought that.... I'll set the table. You can sit and read the daily prophet if you want. I got it on my way back here"

"I'll help"

"I think I can manage to set the table alone. thank you though... for your offer"

"I didn't say you couldn't manage..." Sirius whispered "... never mind" he went and took the prophet. He was feeling sick, maybe because he was hungry or maybe because his old friend was talking with him like a machine. After a moment his mind completely focused on the text in front of him. The news about Voldemort spread fast but instead of acting and preparing for a war, they were denying it.

"What the fuck," Sirius said loudly "Fudge, you stupid bastard"

"What is it?" Remus asked

"he's calling Dumbledore and Harry liars. He says all the rumours are wrong! You know what that means?" Sirius yelled. Remus took the prophet in his hand and started to read 'the boy who lies' ...

"That means we're screwed! The only advantage we had this time was to get prepared fast and be ready to fight. Voldemort wanted to kill everyone so no one would know he's back! So we wouldn't be ready! But now that Harry has warned them, they're calling him a liar!!! They are opening the field for Voldemort!" Sirius yelled again

"Calm down"

"CALM DOWN??"

"yes we don't need any more troubles" 

"Remus, Dumbledore wants to act soon. If those stupid people in ministry won't let him, we are screwed!" 

"Dumbledore can convince him he's wrong.... Right?"

"Who, Fudge? That coward?" Sirius laughed "he would deny it forever because he fears..."

"Can you blame him?"

"No Remus! I am afraid too! but I don't want to sit back...."

"Nor do I...... I'm just saying we can't lose our hopes just because of Fudge.... Let's hope for now that Dumbledore will make him open his eyes" Remus sighed "let's hope we would win this time"

"do you really have faith?"

Remus didn't answer

"come on, dinner's ready," he said and went to the kitchen again

Sirius almost jumped into kitchen. He had missed a proper foot. Now they had Lasagna and Coke and.... "OH my god, cola," said Sirius almost loudly and it made Remus smile. If Sirius had more hands, he would use them to get more foods. He was eating really fast like someone might take away his food in any moment. He finished his first plate in less than 2 minutes. Remus was staring at him open-mouthed. Soon the 2nd plate was over and he asked for the 3rd one. "Just be careful not to choke on it," said Remus when he gave him more food.

"Don't worry" said Sirius with a full mouth and soon he finished the 3rd one "Do we have more?" he asked shyly

"no" Remus looked up to see the disappointed look on Sirius' eyes "you can eat mine"

"no thanks..."

"no really it's fine! I'm not that hungry anyway" Remus smiled and gave him his plate "what do you want for dessert?"

"WE HAVE DESSERT?" Sirius yelled like a child

"of course! What do you want? Pie? Cheesecake? Chocolate cake? I recommend the chocolate cake sir" Remus smiled

"of course you would" Sirius grinned

Sirius knew Remus didn't eat much but the chocolate was an exception. So why not a chocolate cake? Anyway, Sirius knew that this was all for him. Remus didn't have that much money to pay for all this good stuff every night. Like he said himself he doesn't shop often or eat. He still looked as thin as before, Sirius realized and felt guilty.

"listen," Sirius said "I'm gonna have to stay here for a while so.... I'm gonna pay my half part..." he stopped when Remus rolled his eyes "what? Did I say something wrong?"

"you don't have to pay for staying at your friends. It's not like I offered anything too expensive or luxury. I can afford my food. I'm not that broke"

"I didn't say that!"

"no and I appreciate your offer but I'm fine"

"but... Forget about the food! What about this house? I know you can't find any job and part of it is my fault"

"it's not your fault that Snape told the entire world that I'm a werewolf"

"no, but I made him angry. It was me whom he was mad at and he couldn't reach me so he hurt you.... And I swear I'm gonna make him pay for that"

"no"

"what?"

"you do nothing! Enough hating already! Can't you two grow up?"

"it might have not occurred to you but I did grow up Moony. Look at me!... You barely look at me! I indeed hate Snivellus but that doesn't make me want dementors to kiss him. He didn't even give us time to explain, he attacked you! And he wanted to hand us over! Why are you defending him? Why is he suddenly an angel now! What? You guys became friends? Did you forgive him for telling your secret? Because I do not!"

"He hates me and he wanted my job for a long time. You would have done the same"

"no I wouldn't"

"you did... for fun! Forgot that?"

Sirius suddenly felt sick. Of course he hasn't forgotten that. How could he?

"anyway," Remus said "I forgive him because thanks to him I had less pain. He made me wolf's bane potion the whole year... at Hogwarts"

"He made you that? And you took it? Tell me Remus are you out of your mind?"

"I trust him. Dumbledore trusts him and like it or not he is going to be in the Order so maybe it's time for you two to forget your tiff because we are fighting for the same purpose"

"I can't trust the man who has bullied my godson and told your biggest secret so you could never find a job.... How can I trust him when he wanted to kill me because of a school prank? All he wants is revenge so I don't want to see you hanging around him"

"You don't choose who I hang around with"

"look just forget about Snivellus," Sirius said after a long pause "I just wanted to know what you're doing now that you don't have any job. What do you do to pay for this house? Does it cost a lot? How do you pay for your electric?"

"None of your business"

"But Remus I can help!"

"why do you care?"

"you're my friend! I always care!"

"well if you're my friend you should know well that I don't take charity"

"it's not a stupid charity dammit! You're my friend and friends help each other. Besides, it isn't even my money, it belongs to my family and I'm willing to help my friend out with it. So what's the problem?"

"Forget it, I said no! I won't fall into your arms for money... I did well alone so far"

"you think I'm buying you with that money? What's the matter with you???"

"oh you're not? Because that's what it looks like you're doing!!"

"you've changed"

"OF COURSE I DID! LIVING ALONE FOR ALMOST 14 YEARS DOES THAT TO PEOPLE"

"don't you dare to talk about living alone with me! You think I was living in paradise?"

Remus kept his mouth shut after that. 

"You think you could survive what I survived?" Sirius asked "look, I know everything is my fault and I know you spent all these years hating me but I got punished for that in the way you cannot imagine!" his eyes got filled with tears again. What was wrong with him today? It was like he could cry all day. He felt like such a cry baby "you don't know how hard it is to fail. You'd never know how I felt when I realized what Peter had done. How I felt when he said that I was so easy to be played with, that it was so easy to make me trust him and not trust you. You weren't there when he killed all those people in front of my eyes. You weren't there because of me! You don't know how it hurts when you promise your best friend that everything's going to be okay that you will protect them but they die. You don't know because all of it was my fault. I killed James and Lily. ...... and I spent 12 years alone in a dark cell remembering it. You don't know that I waited for you every day for 4 years. Every day I hoped I'll see your face again, that I'll tell you I'm sorry, that I'll tell you the truth. After those first years, I gave up. It broke my heart knowing that you would never show up... That I would die alone knowing that I failed you and Harry, that I...... Moony? Moony are you all right?" Sirius stood up and walked towards Remus and held his head. He looked pale and there were tears in his eyes as well

"e-enough" he said

"Sorry... Where are you going?" Sirius asked as Remus stood up

"I need fresh air," he said and left as fast as he could, leaving Sirius all miserable and worried. He shouldn't have been so harsh on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update the new chapter next week on Friday. I hope you guys follow my work! I appreciate your feedback and comments! please write me your opinions about how you want this FanFiction to end! I'm not sure about writing a happy ending or a sad one. but I promise you, this is going to be a long story so I hope I get enough inspiration


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just like I promised! updating chapter 4 and 5 today :)  
hope you guys enjoy! don't forget to write your opinion on comments!  
and one last thing which is really IMPORTANT
> 
> just imagine that everything gets dark and the scene changes when you see this 
> 
> \--------------------
> 
> I imagined it like in the movies when Harry saw Snape's memories but it was hard to describe it so just remember that the scenes change :)  
and forgive my shitty writing I hope you enjoy it anyway!

He went to Remus’ bedroom. He knew he shouldn’t look through Remus’ stuff but he did it anyway. After a while, he fell asleep on the bed. Remus wasn’t home yet.

“Hi I’m James, James Potter”  
“Sirius Black”

\--------------------------- 

“GRYFFINDOR” the sorting hat said

\--------------------------- 

“We know what you are”  
“You know nothing” Remus turned his back to them and started to run

\----------------------------

“you g-guys know? And you still want to be my friend?”  
“Yes and we will never let you be alone” Sirius promised  
Remus smiled at him

\-----------------------------

“Did you like the question 10 Moony?”

\-----------------------------

“No, you shouldn’t have become animagus for me…. It’s too dangerous! .... what if… no… I just… I’m not worth it”  
“Remus for Godric’s sake if you say that again I’m gonna kick your arse!” James Frowned

\-----------------------------

“You know what Snivellus? If you’re that curious why don’t you come tonight to see for yourself?"

\-----------------------------

“STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON’T TOUCH ME” Remus yelled  
“Remus please listen…. I’m sorry…. Please Moony…. I messed up…. I know I screwed everything…. But please forgive me I don’t know what to do without you…. Give me a second chance”  
“I don’t want to hear it … keep your apologies for yourself! .... Sirius Black! You’re just another Black after all!”  
“I’m sorry, don’t do this to me Moony…. I’ll die if I lose my friends… I can’t live knowing that you hate me”  
“You betrayed me! You’re not my friend. I trusted you with my greatest secret and you didn’t hesitate using it against me for fun! You know what my greatest fear was! I could’ve killed him Sirius, and become a murderer because of you! Don’t pretend that you care about me…. I bet you just became animagus for fun! Oh, look at that poor werewolf… he hasn’t had enough pain in his life, let’s pity him and use him for fun… cause why not! Who cares about him?”

\-----------------------------

“YOU ARE NOT A SON OF MINE!” his mother screamed  
“nothing but disappointment” his father shook his head

\-----------------------------

“maybe this will teach him how to behave …. Crucio” his mother pointed her wand at him cruelly

\-----------------------------

“Merlin! Dude are you alright?” James asked concerned  
“I-I-I d-don’t h-have any place to go…. I had to run! I couldn’t take it anymore”  
“It’s okay honey” Mrs Potter hugged him “You’ll be okay”

\-----------------------------

“I heard you ran away, are you okay?” Moony asked him in train  
“Are you talking to me again?”  
“I was just worried that’s all”  
“No, Moony, don’t go”

\----------------------------

“Are you really forgiving me?”  
“Everyone deserves a second chance” Remus smiled “and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me”  
“Remus” Sirius hugged him “I’m sorry Moony… I really am…. I promise I would never hurt you again …. I-I Love you…”  
“w-what?”  
“I love you” He held Remus’ face in his hands “do y…” Remus pressed their lips together

\----------------------------

“I can’t believe our time in Hogwarts is over,” James said  
“Does that mean I have to tolerate you people all the time?” Lily asked  
“not that you aren’t used to it!” Sirius said  
“oh Moony save me!” said Lily putting her head on Remus’ shoulder  
“Sorry sweetie, the black dog has him already insanely in love” James laughed  
“Oh shut up!” Remus blushed  
“Awww look at you all red” Lily smiled  
“Have you looked at yourself when Prongs kisses you?” Remus laughed and Lily blushed even more than Remus and then she punched him  
“At least I fell in love with a stag! You fell in love with a dog”  
“Oi! what is wrong with the dog?”  
“Wait a minute…. Fell in love?” said James shocked  
“I’m so happy for you guys but I’m not going to find anybody!” Peter said  
“Don’t worry mate! You’ll find someone! We’ll help you” James stroked Peter’s hair

\---------------------------

“Padfoot! Moony! Wormtail! Guys? She said YES!!! I can’t believe it! I’m going to get married” James yelled happily

\--------------------------

"do you all want to join The Order?” Peter asked  
“Of course we do! We’re going to fight no matter what it takes! All of us together!” James said. Peter only nodded

\--------------------------

“Lily is pregnant!” James hugged Sirius  
“Congratulations mate” Remus smiled and hugged both James and Lily  
“This is great,” Peter said and hugged them both as well  
“Pads? Lily and I talked and we would be honoured if you’d be our child’s godfather”  
“m-me?”  
“yes”  
“Oh my god, I’m going to be a godfather?” Sirius yelled happily and hugged both James and Lily again  
“Moony you heard that?”  
Remus smiled at him  
“I’m happy for you Pads…. You’re going to be a great godfather” 

\---------------------------

“Did you hear what happened to Fabian and Gideon?” James asked with fears in his eyes  
“oh god James” Lily hugged him “I’m so scared”

\---------------------------

“Where are you going Re?”  
“I can’t tell you!”  
“I’m not gonna leave you alone before you tell me!”  
“I can’t! Don’t you understand? Dumbledore’s orders!”

\--------------------------

“Did you hear the prophecy?” James asked

\--------------------------

“Neither can live while the other survives”

\--------------------------

“Padfoot, I can’t pretend that everything is fine anymore! Lily is scared and I can’t comfort her well because I’m scared as well…. I never thought I would but what if things go wrong? What if we lose?”  
“Prongs, listen to me…. You are a brave man and you have to be strong for your family. For her and Harry. ….. and I’m not gonna let anything happen to you”

\--------------------------

“Dumbledore warned there is a traitor between us”  
“I’ll never believe any of my friends would betray me. I trust you all and love you all equally” said James with confident

\--------------------------

“Moony has been acting weird lately,” Peter said  
“he doesn’t tell me anything”

\--------------------------

“Remus has been gone for a long time! Don’t you think that’s weird?” said Peter suspicious  
“Dumbledore’s orders apparently” Sirius sighed “as I said before he doesn’t talk to me at all”  
“What if he’s not working for Dumbledore?” Peter asked

\--------------------------

"you don't trust me? after all we've been through, that's it? You make me believe you love me, make me believe I'm your equal, make me fall in love with you so you could throw me out and treat me like a garbage?" Remus tears suddenly got dry "I'm not the spy! and I don't know what made you think that but it doesn't matter, I'm the one who sees this now, you just used me like a toy and now you're throwing me away like a trash. I'm happy that you finally took Dumbledore's advice and saved your friends, at least you proved that your cold heart is capable of loving someone even if that's not me" 

\--------------------------

“Hey Prongs, do you know who would be a great secret keeper?” 

\--------------------------

“no, no, nooo you didn’t!” Sirius cried  
“It was so easy to fool you, Sirius Black!” Peter laughed “poor James, poor Lily, poor Harry…… poor Moony…. You did this to them Sirius”  
“No you BASTARD! Tell me it’s not true!”  
“I enjoyed it you know! I always thought you had a lot of things that you didn’t deserve! You thought you were so good and I broke you! I took everything away from you! Poor Remus. To be honest, I didn’t think it’d be that easy to separate you guys! You call this love? You broke him, Sirius! Not me! YOU!” he laughed again “and the mission Dumbledore gave him made it all even easier. with that dark creature between us, who would have suspected the poor Peter?”  
“SHUT UP” Sirius cried  
“you know he thought the reason you don’t trust him is because he’s a werewolf” Peter shook his head “I have to thank you, Sirius! You made it a piece of cake! In the time your precious Moony was living among werewolves and spying them, when his life was in grave danger, you…”  
“no, no, no” Sirius cried  
“YES! Dumbledore asked him to not tell you because he thought only you could talk him out of it!” Peter smiled “and of course the other side found out about the spy between the werewolves!”  
“NO” Sirius yelled  
“YES” Peter laughed “I don’t know what happened to him anyway…. You did a great job taking care of your b-boyfriend…... even if they don’t kill him, what do you think they’d do to a werewolf spy who is also an Order member and …. And a poof?”  
“I swear to god if something hap…”  
“I told you I don’t know what they did to him…. But it isn’t Remus who you really care about right now, is it? You never did really! But I gotta say I never thought you’d let me be their secret keeper!”  
“I’m gonna kill you, I swear”  
“What’s going on” people around them were asking  
“Hey, you guys are cool?” one of the muggles asked  
“Is everything okay?” the other man asked  
“why Pete, why” Sirius cried, he felt sick and weak and he couldn’t stand on his feet anymore  
“it’s over Sirius…. Enjoy your time alone…. forever”  
A red light crashed his chess and he heard people screaming

\----------------------------

“Dumbledore asked me to take Harry,” Hagrid said

\----------------------------

“no, no J-James w-wake up…. J-James…. Prongsie? .... please w-wake up…. Please…. don’t be…. Don’t be dead…”

\---------------------------

“Take him”  
“NO It wasn’t me! I swear! Let me talk with someone and explain…. Albus Dumbledore? Remus Lupin? Please! I need to talk with them! At least check if Remus Lupin is still alive… check his name please! Where are you taking me?? STOP! I didn’t do anything! Please! PETTIGREW! It was him! LET ME GO! I HAVE TO SEE MY GODSON!”

\--------------------------

“Sirius Black, the murderer of 12 innocent muggles and Peter Pettigrew. The secret keeper of James and Lily Potter. This man doesn’t need a trial. Bring him where he belongs” Bartemius Crouch said  
“You’re going to rot in Azkaban!” Fudge yelled  
“TRAITOR! MURDERER!” people around him were throwing things at him  
“NO! NO! IT WASN’T ME! LET ME TALK! I HAVE TO EXPLAIN! Please let me talk with ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! Remus must be looking for me! He’s here somewhere! REMUS? REMUS??? Remus Lupin, is he here? Please I need to talk to him”  
“No one came to see a traitor, Black! Take him!”  
“NO, NO IT WASN’T ME! PLEASE!”

Everywhere went dark.


	5. Chapter 5

“SIRIUS WAKE UP” he opened his eyes. He had another nightmare, again. Remus was holding him “Shhh it was just a nightmare” he held him tight. Sirius buried his face on Remus’ chest and started to cry “just a nightmare, you’re alright” Sirius couldn’t talk. He wanted to stay in Remus’ arms forever. They stayed like that in a while, Remus was hugging him and Sirius’ head was resting on his chest. 

“S-Sirius?” he called but Sirius didn’t look up. His throat was dry. “Do you want some water?” Sirius nodded

“Don’t leave” he managed to say

“I won’t… Accio mug” Remus took the mug and pointed his wand to it “Aguamenti …. Here take this” he gave the mug to Sirius and started to move

“D-Don’t go” Sirius begged

“I told you I won’t” he hugged Sirius again “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sirius shook his head. Even if he wanted to talk about it, he didn’t know how to start. Remus moved to turn off the light 

“p-please don’t”

“o-okay” he whispered softly and laid next to Sirius. Sirius could feel Remus is waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t want to tell Remus he was afraid of the dark and loneliness, that it reminded him his dampened cell in Azkaban, all alone with dementors sucking his good memories. That he couldn’t sleep for ages. That every time he wanted to sleep, the same nightmares would haunt him, so he never slept. It was a surprise that he fell asleep on Remus’ bed. Maybe it was Remus’ scent that made Sirius feel safe to fall asleep. Remus looked at him for a while, not being sure if he should stay on the same bed with Sirius. They both stared at each other for a long time, none of them slept, none of them dared to say anything.

“I’m sorry I acted like an arse the whole night” Remus broke the silent eventually “I’m also sorry that I left…. I needed to think and I-I….” he closed his eyes and swallowed hard “I realized I acted like I don’t want you here but t-that’s not true… I’m happy to have you back” he stressed out his words when he saw the disbelief looks on Sirius “I really am…. I just couldn’t show you well…. Because… well because I didn’t know how… and… god I used to be better with words” he sighed and Sirius let him finish whatever he wanted to say “I thought you were mad at me…. I thought you didn’t forgive me for believing that you were the traitor… for a long time, I thought that’s the reason you didn’t want to see me and seeing you today was a big surprise for me and I didn’t know how to handle it…. I was blaming myself the whole time for not being able to help you even a little…. No Sirius let me finish” he stopped Sirius before he says anything “and when you were finally here I was mad at myself again for being so useless…. It made me sick that the only help I could offer you was food and a place to sleep… I need to do more…. It’s driving me mad that I can’t.... and when you offered me your help about money and stuff, I was mad again that you’re taking away my only opportunity to help you… like you’ve been running and hiding for a long time and you were in a miserable situation but you still want to help me… I know it sounds childish but it really bothers me that I can’t do anything for you to recover my mistakes… even a little bit… because I screwed up…”

“you didn’t screw up anything” whispered Sirius softly and extended his arm to touch one of Remus’ scars “this one’s new… I saw it when I saw you last year… it seems it was a bad one”

“yeah it was… I got it in the first full moon after…. a-after …. You know…. It was the worst transfiguration I’ve ever had…”

Sirius closed his eyes. ‘After Lily and James died and you were sent to Azkaban and after I thought I lost everything and everyone’, were the words Remus wanted to say

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” said Sirius stroking Remus’ scars. He wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to touch the other man that fast, but he couldn’t help it

“No” Remus said softly “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there… I’m sorry that I never came to visit you… I thought about it though, but I was too much of a coward to do it. I couldn’t visit you anyway even if I wanted to. There are rules about werewolves not being allowed to visit the high-security prisoners but that wasn’t the reason I never came. To be honest Dumbledore told me that later. I-I wanted to ask you why you did what I thought you did but I couldn’t face you. Every part of me, every single part of me hated you and I couldn’t help it” if Sirius didn’t know Remus better he would say he was going to cry “I’m sorry… I should have known you’d never do anything to hurt James and …”

“Well that’s not true now, is it? I’m the reason they’re dead”

“that’s not true… you just trusted the wrong guy”

“That’s why it’s my fault Moons”

“well if it’s your fault, it’s my fault as well… I left”

“Because I told you to” Sirius bit his lip “because I was an idiot who let himself be fooled by someone else’s words”

“still I shouldn’t have left! I should have stayed and explained”

“it wasn’t your fault Dumbledore told you not to tell me about your super risky mission”

“you know?”

“Yes! And if you ever do that again I’m gonna kill you myself” 

Remus laughed. It was a short laugh but it made Sirius happy

“Oi, I’m serious!”

“always”

“How did you run away anyway? Peter told them you were there”

“I ran away before they started to look for me. So they might know Remus Lupin was a spy but those werewolves never realized I was Remus Lupin. Fake identity, Dumbledore’s idea”

“Who told you to ran away?”

“Mcgonagall…. There were only a few people we could trust in that time so the only person I had a communication with was her…. She told me it’s too risky to stay any longer so we both ran away somewhere else”

“Ran away like lovers?” Sirius grinned

“Shut up…. Anyway we had to stay in another city and try to protect the people from death eaters and we actually arrested some of them, like Dolohov and Rookwood. You should have seen Dolohov, he was super mad and he saw my face and he told me he would kill me even if it’s the last thing he’d do”

“He is a high-security prisoner and even if there was a chance that he gets out of there, we would kick his arse together”

“I’m not afraid of him Sirius… I really enjoyed having him arrested before he started torturing muggle kids again…. For a moment I even thought about killing him”

“you should’ve done it”

“maybe… but for a long time, I wanted to kill you too”

“so happy you’re not on to that anymore…. I knew that by the way… the first time I saw you, in the shrieking shack when you pointed your wand at me, I was frozen because I thought for a second that you were going to kill me. I was afraid I’m going to die by your hands without you or Harry knowing the truth… turned out you were smarter than that”

“well you should be grateful that we did a hell out of a job, creating that map”

“yeah…. Anyway when you believed me and hugged me, it was like I got my whole world back again. I had you, and Harry and that was all I ever cared about”

“you’ll never lose us”

“yeah?”

“yeah” Remus promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that Dolohov kills Remus in deathly hallows o_o 
> 
> don't forget to write your opinions in comments and once again thank you for following my work!  
Next chapter will be up on next Friday :)


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius didn’t sleep that night. He just watched Remus sleeping and he didn’t move at all. He stayed in the same position, his face to Remus and his back to the wall. Remus’ hand was on his hand and he kept the other one above them so Remus wouldn’t move it. He wanted to hold his hand forever. He tried the whole night not to kiss the other man. Let’s just say it’s really hard having the love of your life in front of you and not grab his face and kiss him. Sirius imagined what kissing Remus would taste like after all this time! would it taste the same, like old time? Okay, now he was biting his bottom lip, he was definitely not doing good with controlling himself. ‘don’t kiss him’ ‘you’d freak him out’ ‘but what if I kiss him really slowly so he wouldn’t wake up?’ ‘Remus won’t wake up that easily!’ ‘but what if he would!’ ‘oh come on Sirius you know how much you miss him just kiss him already’ ‘how long should I wait till he wakes up’ ‘okay now I’m hungry.... would Remus’ lips help me to get fed up’ ‘oh it definitely would’ ‘no! stop’ ‘you don’t want your first kiss after such a long time to be kissing him in sleep, do you?’ ‘hell, why not’ ‘no you’d want him kissing you back as well’ ‘but what if he never kisses me again?’ the last thought made him sob. After that he only studied Remus, and while he was doing that a lot of happy memories came back to his mind, good memories that were erased in Azkaban, all the happy memories that the dementors were feeding on for 12 years. Like the first time they kissed or the first time they did it. Okay he totally shouldn’t have thought about it in this situation, now he was tempted even more.  
He tried to remember his birthday parties with his friends or their pranks or anything else but with Remus lying in front of him, all the memories he could remember now was them snogging and kissing. Like the time he gave Remus a handjob during the class. Or the time they were locked up in a broom-shed so they started snogging madly before James walked on them and saw them in the middle of their job. Remus was blushing and hiding from James all day and James didn’t speak with them like for 2 days, meanwhile, Sirius couldn’t stop laughing. Sirius tried to go further back, he wanted to remember his first date, not that they ever had a proper date just the two of them without James and Peter joining their party, but still, it was something that Sirius wanted to think about. Sirius knew he shouldn’t hope that Remus would fall for him again. Last time wasn’t easy and they had help but now what? It was just him and a very shitty past. He wished James and Lily would be there now more than ever, they would’ve fixed it, they could’ve fixed everything. What would James think of him in this situation? Would he be a coward for not telling Remus about his feelings? James would certainly think so! Lily helped them get together last time, without her it was impossible. So it was kind of impossible now. ‘Lily would have told you, you’re such an idiot for not doing anything’ Sirius thought. But without Lily how was he supposed to know what to say and when to say it? Sirius was happy that he had Remus back, he didn’t want to lose him again, so the decision was made! ‘never tell him you’re still in love with him’ Sirius thought ‘oh yes Sirius that would be exactly what James and Lily would have done!” Sirius rolled his eyes ‘but they’re not here, are they? You’re free to ruin your life without anyone stopping you! Great eh?’ ‘you don’t know how Remus feels and you don’t want to lose him under no circumstance so better not tell him at all’ Sirius decided  
It was almost 7 a.m. and Remus was still snoring. Sirius was starving but he knew it was risky to wake up Moony. Remus was a sleepyhead so he had to wake himself up, if anyone else would wake him up, he’d be moody all day. Besides, he looked really cute when he was sleeping so Sirius didn’t even bother. It was almost 7:30 when Remus finally opened his eyes and their eyes met.

“morrrrning sun shine” Sirius whispered

“m-morning” Remus turned around to see the clock, his hand finally getting apart from Sirius’ hands “how long have you been awake?” he asked sleepy

“not long…. But I’m already starving”

“yeah me too someone ate all my dinner last night”

“And that someone is not really sorry about it. He was that hungry he could’ve even eaten you” shit bad thing to say, Sirius thought after seeing how Remus blushed, although he used to love making him blush and he realized he still loves it but it was probably not appropriate “I meant your meat” shit he made it worse and Remus couldn’t blush more “I mean human meat”

“There is no way you could make it less awkward so I’m gonna stop you now”

“Yes! But you got my point!”

“Oh I totally did” Remus stood up “What would you like to eat, sir? Anything except my body parts that I can offer?” he laughed

“whatever you have professor…. I eat everything” Sirius winked

“how ‘bout an English breakfast?”

“that’d be awesome”

“on it”

“you cook?”

“don’t worry we’ll survive” Remus left the room

“I seriously doubt that” Sirius shouted 

“Can I help?” Sirius asked as he got into the kitchen

“Sure, set the table, sausages are getting cooked”

“yeah, I can smell it”

“Shit, is it burning?”

“Why? don’t you watch them?”

“No I’m making coffee at the same time”

“Moony! Lily once yelled at us that boys can’t do more stuff at the same time!”

“Well I’m not a boy anymore am I? …. Shit…. SHIT!”

Sirius couldn’t stop laughing

“How much are the sausages important?” Remus asked

“Very much I’d die if I don’t eat them NOW!” Sirius laughed harder as Remus made a face “Ok I’m beginning to think you need my help”

“You think?” he said angrily

“what’s the matter?”

“I just realized we don’t have beans! I forgot to get them” he sighed “I can go fast and …”

“no Rem that’s really not necessary”

“but English breakfast”

“okay what DO we have?”

“Eggs…. And bacon” Remus groaned “I don’t think we can eat these sausages anymore …. and I think I got some tomatoes”

“well that’s perfect”

“no it’s not… I’m sorry…. I wanted it to be but I sucked”

Sirius remembered their conversation last night about Remus saying that he wanted to do something for him but he can’t even afford the little things

“hey Moony it’s really okay”

He only nodded

Sirius really enjoyed the breakfast and his face was so obvious that made Remus believe he is actually loving it. 

“How can you eat this bacon? It sucks! God I will never cook again”

“never… ate something…. more …. delicious” Sirius said with a full mouth. Remus narrowed his eyes and looked at him suspiciously 

“We should go out after breakfast,” said Sirius after swallowing his food

“why?”

“I didn’t say anything yesterday because I didn’t want us to leave on the first day. We should find some of the old fighters, convince them that Voldemort is back and ask them to join the Order”

“shouldn’t Dumbledore do that?”

“he’s probably busy convincing the guys at the ministry” Sirius talked again with full mouth, Remus looked at him disgust “What?”

“don’t talk with full mouth”

“Sorry mom” answered Sirius again with full mouth, making Remus rolling his eyes “besides, we need a safe place”

“yeah I thought about that too”

“Have any ideas?”

“No, you?”

“Grimmauld p….”

“don’t say it”

“yes, it’s the only where I can think of”

“You hate that place… and if that house be the safe place you’re gonna have to live there”

“I know that’s why I haven’t told Dumbledore yet”

“are you really considering it?”

“I guess so” Sirius sighed “anyway… Dumbledore comes to visit us soon. I think about it till then... I can't stay here forever!”

Remus didn't say anything and looked down at his plate. he kind of looked hurt and it made Sirius feeling satisfied, he didn't know why. 'come on Remus, tell me you want me to stay' he looked at Remus hopefully. Remus, on the other hand, made him distressed and disappointed by not saying anything and making a long pause

“okay" Remus sighed and finally said "I’ll get ready to go”

“oh.. I- okay... so... em.. so.. I.. yeah.. yeah me too! Mind if I borrow more clothes?”

“You’re not coming”

“WHAT? WHY NOT?” Sirius almost yelled

“It’s not safe” Remus answered calmly “Are you aware of the prize that ministry has determined for the person who catches you?”

“So?”

“It’s too risky”

“what’s life without…”

“a little risk I know” Remus interrupted him “you should find some new quotes! These are getting really old”

“hey what’s wrong with my Sirius’ quotes”

“they are not Sirius’ quotes”

“THEY ARE! I MADE THAT UP!”

“no you didn’t”

“YES I DID!”

“anyway,” Remus said, changing the subject “I cannot take the risk when it’s about your safety” Remus tried not to sound like he cares so much but he did anyway “I mean, they still don’t know the truth about you and it might take them some time to believe our words so first I’m gonna have to try hard to convince them that Voldemort is back and second, Sirius Black is innocent! And if you come with me, I don’t expect them acting mature enough to let us both explain before attacking us and handing you over! It’s thousands of gallons we’re talking about! So we will not take the risk!”

Sirius only nodded and looked down, he knew Remus was right he just wished he wasn’t

“it won’t stay like that forever”

Sirius nodded again, he really hoped he could believe that

“hey, it won’t” Remus tried to sound hopeful this time. He sighed after Sirius didn’t answer “I’ll try to come back soon” Remus tried smiling softly but it looked like he was pitying him and Sirius hated that so he stopped smiling immediately “I wish you had something to do when I’m not around…I’m sorry you can’t even watch anything because I don’t have a TV”

“TV?”

“yes remember what that is?”

“yes, you and Lily used to love watching it! Why don’t you have one”

“they’re kind of e-ex-pensive” he answered shyly

“oh”

“but you can read books” He smiled and Sirius raised an eyebrow “sorry I know you don’t like that… shit I’m just trying to…”

“make me stay home and don’t leave?” Sirius offered

“find you some hobbies”

There was a long pause after that

“don’t worry I’ll be a good boy” Sirius tried to smile

They were painfully quiet now so Sirius decided to ask something that was bothering him since yesterday

“What should I do if any of your neighbours show up?”

“I don’t think they would”

“no? how about that girl Rylee, no Rosie … Reyna? Ramona?” Sirius remembered her name exactly but he didn’t want to sound like he cares

“um… Rachel?”

“yeah whatever” Sirius didn’t want to sound so nervous “you guys are together… right?” now he certainly didn’t want to sound that hurt.

“errr…. Why are you asking?”

“because… em” the honest answer to that question would be that he doesn’t want him to date, anyone, except him but of course he couldn’t say that “I don’t think we can trust her!”

Remus raised an eyebrow

“she is a muggle, right? So she doesn’t know anything and now that he’s back she could be in danger if she’s with you…. Or worse… the death eater can use her to reach to you”

“no” Remus was still looking at him suspiciously, he didn’t know why he was disappointed in Sirius’ answer. Did he want to hear something else? “there is nothing between us”

“Oh!” Sirius tried his best not to sound relieved

“she’s a good friend, we meet sometimes… why did you think we’re together?”

“duh! Have you seen how she looks at you? She clearly wants to get in your pants”

“what?” Remus’ coffee slipped from his nose “shit” he laughed “s-she w-wants to get in my pants? .... shouldn’t it be the opposite?”

“I don’t know Re” he tried hard not to sound that it’s important for him this time “do you want to sleep with her? … I know that she wants to”

“even if she does why are you so furious about it?”

“I’M NOT”

“you are! you are yelling at me!” 

apparently Sirius didn’t sound that neutral like he wanted to

“besides, you know I can’t do that to the poor girl! I’m too poor and broken for her besides being a werewolf…” Remus sighed “I’m a fucking werewolf Sirius! Forgot that?”

“A quite sexy one actually! Not like those ugly furry ones such as Fenrir Greyback!”

“It’s not a joke Sirius!”

“who said I was joking?” Sirius smirked. Remus rolled his eyes 

“So you like her?” Sirius asked

“I guess she’s nice”

“Aha” Sirius sounded nervous again. He only wished that Rachel and her stupid dog would vanish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I can only update one chapter this week. I hope you guys will wait till next Friday :)  
and don't forget to write your opinions <3


	7. Chapter 7

Remus came back after three days. Sirius figured that things haven’t worked out like they expected, Remus didn’t seem happy with himself.

“What took you so long?” asked Sirius rather madly than happy to see his friends “you were gone for ages!”

“three days” Remus coughed

“and?”

“only a few of them, Sirius” he sighed and sat on the sofa “only a few of them agreed to join the order again! Two or three said yes as well but they were acting really weird so I don’t think we can trust them”

“who was acting weird?”

“Mundungus Fletcher”

“argh that bastard”

“yeah… He actually said he believes us but he was really acting nervous and I really can’t blame him for that but still it’s Mundungus so I would never assume we could totally trust him”

“and who else?”

“the Williams were acting cool at the beginning but then somehow everything got weird. I mean they said yes and they said they believe us but then out of the blue some people were coming from the ministry knocking on the door… including Malfoy”

“they saw you?”

“No… I got out from the behind door… Mrs William was always nice to me and she owed me a favour so she kind of had to hex her husband to let me get out of there”

“jeez”

“yep… but that doesn’t matter anyway… Malfoy knew I was there… he certainly knows the order is collecting his members again and he perfectly knows us and I am afraid if he sends men after us… after you”

“so?”

“I’m saying it’s not safe for you to stay here. I came as fast as I could…”

“TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULD LEAVE?” Sirius yelled

“Malfoy could’ve sent his people after me… I don’t want you to get coughed”

“I’m not leaving! Dumbledore sent a letter earlier… he said he will come by later tonight so we’d leave in the dark”

“where?”

“12 Grimmauld place”

“no… you actually decided to…”

“haven’t told Dumbledore yet… it wasn’t safe to write it! When he comes I’ll tell him and we’ll probably go to check out the house so don’t worry I won’t be your company for much longer”

“I’m not worried ‘bout tha- jeez god! Did you listen to me when I was talking about the whole Malfoy thing?”

“like I said… won’t leave till later tonight”

“alright fine! so I guess we have to fight all the Aurors because I’m not gonna let them take you”

“I guess so” Sirius smiled slightly. It felt good, knowing that Remus got his back

“I’ll cast some protect charms… holy shit” Remus looked at Sirius full surprised “What’s that?” he pointed to the TV

“it’s a TV… I thought you’d know that”

“I know what it is! What is it doing in my living room?”

“I remember we put it there at James and Lily’s house” Sirius looked confused “Should it be somewhere else?”

“No! it shouldn’t be here at all”

“You didn’t like it?” Sirius asked innocently 

“Why did you buy that… wait a minute… YOU DID BUY THAT, RIGHT?”

“Yes of course! You didn’t think I’d stolen it, did you?”

“But why?”

“You said you don’t have any!”

“and you thought I’m asking you to buy one?”

“I-I t-thought it makes you h-happy”

“can’t believe you!”

“What’s the big deal?” 

“WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?” Remus glared at him “how about you going out in your human form and buying a TV from a muggle store? Don’t let me even start about how you probably got those muggle moneys at first! Do you realize how dangerous it is?”

“I was bored and wanted to watch something”

“the cover is still on!”

“oh who are you? Sherlock Holmes?”

“it’s not a joke Sirius”

“sorry I wanted to make you happy”

“you can’t risk your life and make people happy with buying stuff”

“Harry got really happy when I bought him the firebolt”

“I’m not a 13-year-old child”

“Why do you always have to be like this?”

“like what? worried about you?”

“I don’t want you to be worried about me! Just like you, I’m not a child anymore!”

“oh yeah? then why are you acting like one?”

“Gentlemen, I’m afraid I must interrupt you”  
Dumbledore appeared between them

“You’ve come early,” said Sirius after they got sure that Dumbledore was the real Dumbledore and after Dumbledore cast some protect charms around the house. Remus made tea and they were all sitting

“Yes,” said Dumbledore calmly drinking his tea “I believe there is something important you wanted to tell, Sirius?”

Sirius nodded but Dumbledore continued talking  
“tell me first about your discussion with our old fighters, Remus” he turned his face to Remus “I believe you didn’t let Sirius to come with you?”

“yes Sir I couldn’t… “

“very clever” he smiled “I heard Ministry has sent some men to the Williams! Would’ve been a disaster if Sirius was anywhere near to that”

“yes” Remus answered shortly. Sirius rolled his eyes. 

“go on” Dumbledore looked at him curiously “tell me everything” Sirius could feel Remus was pissed as well about how calm Dumbledore was.

So Remus explained everything that happened in past three days and both Dumbledore and Sirius listened very carefully

“interesting” said Dumbledore after Remus’ report

“Interesting?” Sirius looked astonished at Dumbledore

“and what do you have for us, sir?” Remus asked politely

“some good news and some bad ones”

“Can we go back to the time when you said “Interesting”? why?” Sirius looked confused

“Well it is good that we have some of our members back, isn’t it?” Dumbledore answered calmly

“Yeah but only a few”

“the less we are the more we can trust each other” Dumbledore assured them

“the less we are the less we have a chance to win” Remus tried to content

“Dumbledore’s right” Sirius concluded “We have to be careful this time… careful about the people we fight side by side, the people we trust…. For example Snape!”

“I assure you, Sirius, that Severus has my fully trust”

“yeah yeah AND WHY IS THAT AGAIN?”

“I know you all had your past and that you both can’t forgive each other for some childish reason but I have asked both you and Severus to put aside your hatred and disgust for the matter of war” Dumbledore answered emphatically “and I’m telling you again that I have my reasons to trust Severus… the reasons that I cannot tell…. I trust him with my life and if you don’t trust him, I’m asking you to trust me and compromise”

Remus and Sirius exchanged looks, none of them said anything.

“and the news I wanted to tell is that we have now an entrance in the ministry! Two Aurors who volunteered to join us! They both are approved by Alastor and I believe they are both useful and reliable” Dumbledore smiled

“well that’s great!” Remus smiled “some good news eventually!”

“Who are they? How do you know they can be trusted?!”

It was obvious that Sirius had trust issues now and it was completely normal, Remus was feeling really bad about it, he wanted to help Sirius but again, he didn’t know how! Besides, maybe it was good for them not to trust anyone soon, unless they have approved themselves! They were both wounded once, better be careful this time! And Dumbledore could understand and that’s why he was answering them calmly! Not that he had to explain anything to them, Remus thought.

“I assume you’d know one of them, Sirius, she is a family”

“who is she?”

“One of them is your cousin’s daughter… Nymphadora Tonks”

“Andromeda’s daughter? She’s too young! She must be 25 or something”

“we were 17 pads” Remus whispered softly

Suddenly Sirius felt sick. It was true, they were 17… Shit they were just 17, Sirius thought. And their friends died young, all of them! Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Lily…. James… and even Frank and Alice, although they didn’t die, their fate was worse than death. Sirius made a voice which was more like a sob. He wasn’t feeling good at all, it was like someone was tearing his heart with a knife and he could do nothing about it. And suddenly he remembered how old he was now, so old, so broken and depressed. He looked at Remus, he didn’t look any better. He wasn’t the same 17-years-old boy he remembered. He looked nothing like him. Somewhere in those eyes were the eyes of a 17-years-old boy who used to be happy. Although Remus was never known to be happy but he was somehow, wasn’t he? Once in a lifetime, he was happy too! Hanging around with his friends, doing pranks, not spending the full moons alone, having friends who cared about him, sharing his bed with the most kicking person it the world, getting annoyed by Sirius not letting him study, playing around and getting all licked by Padfoot, going out in Hogsmeade, he was happy once, wasn’t he? And he lost it all too! Sometimes Sirius forgot that Remus has lost everything that he has… they were both feeling the same and although Sirius never thought about blaming Remus but Remus was blaming himself just like Sirius did, wasn’t he? It doesn’t matter whose fault it was, they were both feeling guilty for one reason, that they survived. It must be something about the war that changes you from the person who you are. There are only two things that can happen to you if you’re a soldier, whether you die, or you survive to watch you dearest friends die and you’d never become the same and you’ll never stop dreaming about it and you definitely never stop to wish it was you who had died. If any part of you wants to fight after a war, it would be only because of the people who you have left, who you love. And Sirius realized he still wanted to fight! He didn’t actually lose everything, did he? If there wasn’t something, he would’ve given up already, right? He wouldn’t have been alive, wouldn’t have wanted to fight if he had nothing to lose, right? Something warmth filled his heart, yes he still had some reasons to live for and he was staring at one of them now. As a matter of fact, he had two persons who he cared about the most, who he loved so much, who he would die for! So why not fight for them? why not live for them? once he made a mistake and his best friends died, he would never do that again! In that moment he decided that he would never let anything happen to Remus or Harry, even if he had to die for them. if anything would happen to any of them, it would be more precisely to say that Sirius would die too.

The awkward pause remained between them, for a moment Sirius thought Remus wanted to hug him, there was so many unsaid things in his eyes, just like Sirius’. It was like time wouldn’t let them catch up all these years and they both had no faith in make things up.

“the other one is Kingsley Shacklebolt” Dumbledore finally decided it was better to break the awkward silence with naming their other new member “time for the bad news” Dumbledore looked at them uncertain

“Y-Yes?” Remus dared to ask first

“first one is about Harry”

“Is he alright?” Sirius and Remus asked at the same time

“He’s fine but I’m afraid Sirius, you cannot write him anything about the news at all. he’s at Dursley’s and he’s going to stay there the whole summer before we decide when is a proper time for him to leave there. It is for his own safety. I believe you know that”

“spending the whole time alone when Voldemort’s back and not with us? Are you insane?” Sirius answered madly

“Sirius….” Remus wanted to calm him but Dumbledore started to talk again

“that’s the best for him!”

“And how would you know what is the best for my godson?”

“Sirius…” Remus tried to talk again

“It’s the house, Sirius! I believe we’ve talked about this before”

“Yes and you’ve said some nonsense about….”

“SIRIUS….” Remus yelled

“WHAT?” 

“I THINK WE GOT COMPANY” Remus silent them both.

Sirius never thought he would actually be that scared! If they’d take him here, they would also arrest Remus and Dumbledore. He and Remus might get kissed by dementors. They would show no mercy to Remus for cooperating with a murderer because he was a werewolf but they would probably only put Dumbledore in Azkaban. And the order would never get set and Voldemort would win. And he would get Harry! Yes, Sirius was definitely never more afraid in his life. He just found out the two reasons he wanted to fight for and they both were going to die because of him.

“pack everything you think it’s necessary with you! The spell would stop them for a short time! And destroy everything that shows Sirius Black has been here with you! We don’t want two runners! Quick!” Dumbledore ordered. Remus went quickly to his room. “The only issue we have now is the place,” said Dumbledore

“I know exactly where we can go” Sirius assured him

“maybe it would be exactly where Ministry goes”

“Trust me,” Sirius said with emphasis “it would be safe enough for us to stay there tonight and we will make it safe enough to be the headquarter… Moony, hurry up! Will you?”

“destroy every evidence that shows you’ve been here” 

Dumbledore ordered “I’ll watch if anyone gets near”

“Listen if anything happens...”

“you don’t have to tell me that I should take care of Harry”

“No, you have to do that. But if they got me, don’t let them take Remus, grab him and disappear!”

“I’m not sure if he would let me do that”

“please, I don’t want him to watch! And I don’t want the same thing to happen to him as well”

“I don’t think they would catch you tonight, Sirius” Dumbledore’s smile was warmth and calming

“Yes we will not let that” said Remus as he came back  
with a small bag

“that’s why you took so long?”

“I used the extension charm, you idiot”

“we should go, Sirius?” Dumbledore asked

“Yeah take my hand” Sirius lifted one of his hand and Remus and Dumbledore both took it “alright little bit to left” he walked

“What are you doing?” Remus asked and Sirius put his other hand on the TV 

“ARE YOU SERI….”  
Before Remus could finish, they apparated somewhere else


	8. Chapter 8

“Your parents’ house…. Clever… very clever… it belongs to you now, am I right?” Dumbledore said as they entered the house  
Sirius nodded, Remus remained silent and looked at Sirius.

“I’ll cast some protect charms around the house… you two check the inside” and so Dumbledore left them

“Where should we put the TV?” was the first thing Sirius asked

“Sirius” Remus put his hand on Sirius’ shoulders

“What?”

“You sure you want this?” he asked softly

“Of course, I don’t! You think I have a choice?” Sirius looked around. Everywhere was dark and the smell was unbearable “I c-can’t breathe” he whispered

“Put the TV down and you might” Remus pointed his wand to the TV “Wingardium Leviosa …. We put this here for now okay?” he put the TV in the corner “alright I don’t even know how to start! Sirius?”

It was good for Sirius that everywhere was dark and Remus couldn’t see his face before he remembered to use “Lumos” Remus looked shocked at Sirius, Sirius face was white “shit- do you want to get out?”

“no… I can do this”

“okay should we separate to check the house?”

“I can’t do this alone”

“alright… where should we go first?”

“to our rooms” Sirius didn’t realize why Remus was looking at him wide-eyed “What? is there something on my face?”

“ours?” he asked

“Well yes! You’re not gonna let me live here alone, are you?”

“wait” Remus laughed “you’re really serious?”

“when was I not?”

“Sirius”

“Yes! I want you to live here, okay?”

“you’re only telling me this so I won’t pay for my own house… you don’t actually want me here”

“it’s on you what you think but I’m not gonna make it here without you! So you’re moving in! no comments” 

“Is that why you took the TV?”

“Yep”

“Sirius”

“I said no comments! You’re living here with me! Understood?”

Remus didn't say anything. He couldn’t help himself but to smile a little, when Sirius was acting all bossy… he had missed that.

“I never thought I’d ask you to move in with me in this trash house… I always thought it would be our own house you know?” Sirius wished he had not said anything because suddenly Remus’ face was white as well “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”

“it’s okay” Remus nodded and turned around to watch a portrait, which was covered with a curtain, to hide his expression “What’s this?” he touched the cover and suddenly a shriek filled the house, a loud, sharp terrifying scream that scared the hell out of the both of them

“Holy crap!” Remus covered his ears with his hands “THE HELL IS THAT?” 

A sudden move behind them, made them both scream again. Something jumped on Remus head as he walked aside from the screaming portrait and his wand fell down from his hand, the thing was pulling his hair off “Lemme go! Padfoot!”

“hold on” Sirius tried to find Remus’ wand in the darkness

“use the damn lumos will you?” said Remus moving around the house like a mad man

“I’m looking for your damn wand! I don’t have any! Forgot that?”

“well do it faster”

“Alright! LUMOS… Kreacher?”

“master?” said the thing on Remus’ head “traitor!”

The thing jumped on Sirius and started to scream like the portrait which was still screaming

“What’s going on?” Dumbledore came in “which part of the 'we’re hiding' did you two not understand?”

Sirius managed to drop kreacher from his head with Remus’ wand “How dare you attacking me and my friend?” 

“Kreacher is sorry master”

“You fucking bastard” Sirius pointed the wand at Kreacher but Remus stopped him “Sirius no”

“remind me Sirius, if this house belongs to you” Dumbledore said “so should the house elf, right?”

“Try it” Remus offered

“Alright! Kreacher how do you stop my fucking mum from screaming?”

“don’t insult my mistress in front of me you traitor! Half-blood lover! Disappointment!”

“KREACHER!” Sirius shouted

“you should just put the curtain back on it master”

“kreacher?” Remus asked nicely “have you been here alone all this time?”

“don’t talk to me you disgusting half-blood werewolf”

“Sirius No! it’s okay” Remus stopped Sirius from attacking Kreacher

Meanwhile the portrait of Walburga Black was insulting both Sirius and him

“HOW DARE YOU COME HERE? HOW DARE YOU LET A DISGUSTING WEREWOLF WALK INTO MY HOUSE! YOU’RE A BASTARD”

“shut the fuck up, will you? Moony help me out” they put the curtain back, where it was

“okay what now?” Remus asked Dumbledore

“now, I believe Sirius has to be sure that kreacher is loyal to him and won’t be a problem for us! Then we’ll start”

Remus nodded and they went to find a place to sit “It’s not gonna get clean anytime soon” said Remus in disgust when his foot went on something slimy

“you think?” said Sirius pushing away some spider web from their way to his bedroom

Sirius’ bedroom was nasty and dreadful. Remus couldn’t tolerate the smelling “it smells like there is an old dead body here rotting” he said

“so I guess we clean this place enough so we can sleep here tonight, and tomorrow we check other places” Sirius said covering his nose from the smell “I reckon we might get attacked from some creatures you’ve never seen in your life… You know my family… so we check my room and then keep it safe from outside so we could sleep in peace”

“I don’t think anyone could sleep tonight” Remus looked disgusted at some mice running out from a closet

“well I certainly won’t” Dumbledore vouched

So they started to clean things up a little bit, enough for them to sit safe and have a chat, when the closet suddenly moved madly and both Sirius and Dumbledore held their wands to it, well it was actually Remus’ wand that Sirius was holding. Sirius was the closest to the closet and Remus recognized his hand was kind of unstable, it was shaking a little and Remus realized that Sirius was trying to stop it. what’s going on? Was Sirius Black really afraid of fighting some boggart in the closet?, Remus thought. And yes he reckoned it was a boggart because what else could it be? Remus looked at Dumbledore knowing he was waiting for Sirius to handle it as well. Remus’ stomach began to twist ‘no Sirius wasn’t afraid of a boggart! He is a great wizard’ Remus bit his lips ‘But he hasn’t used magic for 13 years, well not a proper magic at least. He didn’t even have a wand for his own after they broke it when he got into Azkaban. Has he forgotten some of the spells, maybe?’ Remus looked at Sirius nervously “it’s just a boggart” said Remus thinking it might help

“I know what the hell that is” Sirius said angrily

Another sudden move from the closet and the boggart came out, turning fast into James and Lily’s dead body. It was enough to bring Sirius off, his face suddenly became white, like he himself was a dead body. the boggart started to change. ‘shit was it possible that your most fear changes that fast from a moment to another moment?’ Remus thought and he couldn’t believe it. It was like Sirius was afraid of many things because in that moment the boggart changed into Walburga and Orion Black torturing him, then the boggart changed fast into a dementor, making Sirius’ face whiter than ever

“Do something!” Remus yelled at Dumbledore

“No!” Sirius yelled “I got this” 

“Sirius?” Remus wanted to go in front of Sirius to make the boggart change into his fear when he saw his own dead body lying next to Harry in front of Sirius. Dumbledore pointed his wand to the boggart of Remus’ and Harry’s dead body and shouted “Riddikulus”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update on Friday!  
don't forget to write your opinion guys :)


	9. Chapter 9

“Sirius” Remus called.

Sirius’ face was still white and he was staring at the closet.

Remus was feeling miserable because he couldn’t see Sirius’ face and he couldn’t find any words for comfort.  
Remus looked at Dumbledore to see his expression, his face was as calm and kind as always but Remus had no idea what was going on inside the old man’s head.   
He felt he had to do something but he didn’t know how. He wanted to go and hug Sirius and comfort him and protect him from the chaos he must have in his mind but instead he stood there still and just watched.

The longer they stood there the more awkward it was becoming for any of them to say anything. 

“I must be going, there are still a lot of things to do” Dumbledore said quietly “but I’ll come by tomorrow with others. I’m sure we can talk about the rest of the things tomorrow.”

Remus couldn’t just let Dumbledore go easily after what just happened.

“I’ll accompany you to the door”

As they left the room, Remus heard Sirius laughing bitterly, he knew that laugh, he hated that laugh. That laugh always meant that Sirius was being suffered.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your company but I think you should’ve stayed with Sirius. He needs a friend now”

“no I know, I just had to talk with you about it. Listen, I know what you might thinking about Sirius after tonight but I- I just wanted to say that what happened tonight was just an occurrence, he is under a lot of pressure but that doesn’t mean he’s weak...”

Dumbledore smiled “I know”

“no you don’t understand he has been through a lot and tonight he faced his most fears and the most terrible things that had happened to him in his life, and all of these things have been hurting him for 13 years and he couldn’t even stop it so tonight what happened was just…”

“I know”

“you can’t judge him or think any less of him, he just needs some peace. he is still one of the best wizards you could ever ask for and he is capable to do everything I …”

“Remus!” Dumbledore almost shouted “Still got your friend’s back after all this time?” he smiled “if you let me talk, I would tell you that I know all this, you don’t have to be worry about me and what I think of Sirius. What you should be worry about though, is how Sirius will handle it on his own. Like you know he doesn’t have a peaceful mind and he might need a little help or support from an old friend who understands him, whom he trusts”

“I- oh” Remus looked at Dumbledore guiltily “you suggest I stay here too?”

“has he asked you to?” 

Remus nodded “but I haven’t decided yet”

“well I can’t make that decision for you but if you chose to stay don’t let him think that you’re only staying here in order to keep him under control”

“he is not going to be able to leave this place ever, is he?”

“no, I wouldn’t say ever. Let’s just hope that things will change”

“and if they don’t?”

Dumbledore didn’t answer.

“You don’t expect Sirius Black to stay back and do nothing forever, do you?”

“that’s why I need you”

“What?” Remus shook his head “no, no, no, no, don’t make me do this to him”

“he will stop listening to me after some time.He has to be sure that he has you on his side and you have to be sure to keep him out of trouble”

“now when did that ever work!”

Dumbledore smiled “I guess you better go check on him now” 

Dumbledore was talking about Sirius like he was a sick baby who needed to be taken care of, and it was making Remus madder and madder. Sirius wasn’t a broken vase that Remus had to glue or repair. As the matter of fact Sirius was the strongest person Remus knew. After all, isn’t the fact that Sirius was still fighting a proof for that? because most men would just give up 

“So you will you forget about what happened tonight? With the boggart?” Remus asked Dumbledore

“already forgotten” he said and left, though Remus wasn’t sure to believe that 

He took a long breath before going back inside the room, the door was closed so he just stood behind it for couple of minutes, preparing the words inside his head, not being successful

“are you gonna stay there all night?” he heard a voice

“your look” Sirius said as Remus walked in “I don’t like it. Don’t hide your expression, don’t be strange”

“I um I’m…”

“Are you afraid that I read your mind through it?” he laughed, the same fucking laugh “Is there anything you think of me that I don’t know already?”

Sirius was sitting on a black chair in darkness, he was holding a bottle in his hand and his voice was hoarse

“want some drink? I found them here, if they were poisoned, I would’ve been dead already” he said

“em… n-no I better not” Remus said and sat in front of Sirius on the other chair

“Why not?” Sirius smirked “afraid of getting drunk with Sirius Black? Between you and me dear, I think we both know who has a low alcohol tolerance” 

“no, I just…” Remus wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol, and he has been doing well without it since almost 4, 5 years. Ever since he woke up one day in a muggle hospital after passing out in a bar. The problem was, that Remus often drank a lot after 31 October, 1981. He could only find comfort in alcohol and it was the only way he could be free of all the pain and guilt, so after few years, alcohol was the only thing he expended, he ate less and he became thinner and thinner, he used to wake up in the places he didn’t remember, slept with people he couldn’t remember and even got into the fights and woke up injured and hurt the day after without knowing the reason, until one night it got really serious and he woke up in a hospital after a day, they told him he had alcohol poisoning and he was lucky to be alive. His stomach had to get pumped, and he was suggested to have therapy. But that wasn’t the reason Remus stopped drinking, while he was there at hospital, he realized that this wasn’t the way he wanted to die, he had sacrificed a lot of things, lost a lot of things and if he had to die, it shouldn’t be because of alcohol poisoning, hell he didn’t even want to die in his warm bed at age 80. What he wanted was a meaningful death, like his friends. He wanted to die doing something important, fighting for his beloved ones, although he had no one back then, part of him knew that a day will come that the war would start again and he will join his old lost friends and follow their path because otherwise it would mean nothing. It wasn’t important that he had no one to care, hell maybe it was even better because no one would suffer for his death like he did for his friends, little did he know that he would meet one from his past that cared for him again, that he would have the person he used to love the most back in his life and his life would get out of loneliness and emptiness. And here he was sitting in front of him, struggling to find a way to help them both because apparently the other man’s mind was even more devastated than his 

“What? Dumbledore banned you?”

“shut up”

And of course Sirius had no idea about Remus’ addiction, otherwise he wouldn’t have insisted

“what did he say?” 

“you know what? Two three shots won’t be a problem” Remus sighed and took the glass from Sirius and he started to drink after 4 years.

“uhmmmm” 

“so what did he say?”

“does it matter?” 

“he must think I’m fucking useless”

“no” Remus drank another shot “he- no one thinks that”

“oh really?” he laughed “wouldn’t be wrong” 

“Sirius it’s …”

“EVEN A 13-YEAR-OLD FUCKING STUDENT CAN HANDLE A FUCKING BOGGART SO SAVE YOUR FUCKING SPEECH” he threw his glass to the wall and leaned back to chair and started to shake his head and laugh again

Remus had to admit he was scared and concerned about Sirius and drinking was the only thing he could do. He stared at Sirius and waited for him to calm down because anything he would say would only make him angrier.

“I’m sorry” he whispered softly after a minute

“it’s okay”

“I’m such a mess, aren’t I?” 

“we both are”

“really? No more ‘you’re fine, everything is going to be okay’ speeches?”

“who am I lying to? We are both losers” Remus said

They both looked into each other’s eyes and suddenly started to laugh

“well that’s heart-warming” Sirius grinned “more drinks?”

“absolutely”

“I missed this” Sirius said after drinking another shot

“what?”

“this” Sirius looked at Remus in the most beautiful way and Remus thought he would melt in any moment, maybe it was just the alcohol “you know, you and me drinking, reminds me the old times”

Remus smiled, he had missed it too

“do you think about those times, Remus?” Sirius asked

“of course I do”

“what do you think about mostly?”

“I… um” Remus looked at Sirius. He was waiting for an answer. “everything”

“Everything?”

Remus nodded and looked away, not sure what Sirius wanted to hear.

“do you think about us too?” Sirius asked again, his eyes still following Remus

Remus suddenly looked up, his face empty, eyes locked up with Sirius’. Sirius observed his eyes carefully and looked right into them. Why was he asking this? What the hell did he want to hear? That Remus couldn’t stop thinking about him or that he hated him that much that he never really wanted to think of him? Because both were correct at a special period of time

“sometimes”

“only sometimes?”

“what do you want Sirius?”

“nothing just” he finally looked away and then laughed a little “nothing… I sometimes forget that you moved on”

“Moved on? What does that supposed to mean?”

“never mind”

“don’t! you don’t get to do that” Remus said angrily “if there’s anything you want to say just say it”

“Well you damn know what I mean why are you asking?”

“you say that word like it’s something easy to do”

“and yet you’re the one who did it”

“And what did it cost Sirius? Look at me, look at my eyes what do you see? Was I successful?” he pointed at his face and then grabbed his brown-grey hairs in his hand “you call this moving on? Padfoot look at me! Do I look like I’m 35?”

Sirius sighed and drank more 

“I never even tried to move on” Sirius said quietly “I didn’t live a day without thinking of my mistakes. By the time you were trying to move on, doing I don’t know what, I spent every day thinking about y…”

“don’t” 

“I must”

“no”

“Please Remus, sooner or later we have to talk about it”

“About what?”

“us!”

“there is no us Sirius”

Sirius paused looking at Remus, then he started to laugh again

“So what?” he said “you’re never going to let me apologize?"

“You already have. Sirius we don’t have to apologize to each other every time we’re alone, otherwise we could just spend a life time apologizing for the things that can never be undone”

“what about the things we lost?”

“I think we both know we can’t get any of it back”

“none of it?”

“none of it” Remus sighed and started drinking again. He tried to ignore Sirius’ laugh

“why are you here then?”

“I’m trying to do my duties as a friend” Remus wished he hadn’t used the word duty 

“I never wanted you to be just a… a f-friend”

“right now, that’s all I can offer”

Sirius didn’t say anything, he just drank more, he frowned at the taste of alcohol. How could he want Remus to be more than a friend after everything that happened between them? After he rejected Remus during the first war, after he abandoned him in order to save James and Lily without caring what would happen to him, after not trusting him and asking him to leave. Remus said he forgave him for that and he really tried but Sirius couldn’t expect anymore of Remus.

“you know none of this would have happened if you had been honest with me”

This time Remus laughed “BECAUSE YOU WERE HONEST WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME!?”

“oh please” Sirius leaned back with the fire whiskey in his hand. Remus was gasping because he couldn’t control his anger, maybe it was because the full moon was in 2 days and alcohol made him feel even worse, but he felt, he could attack Sirius in any moment

“YOU ABANDONED ME!” he suddenly jumped from his sit, to his surprise Sirius stood up too

“I? I abandoned you? I ABANDONED YOU? YOU LEFT!”

“and why did I do that Sirius? WHY?” Remus shouted “WHO ASKED ME TO?”

“you could have stayed! You could have stayed and explained! But what did you do instead? Ran like a COWARD”

“Coward?” Remus laughed “It’s funny when you remember WHO was TOO COWARD to be the secret keeper of his best friends”

Suddenly two hands grabbed his neck and he fell backwards on the floor. Sirius was too fast that Remus didn’t get the time to react, he was shocked.

“I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SAVE THEM”

“WELL YOU DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB” Remus rolled Sirius over.

“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW?” Sirius yelled “YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT I KILLED MY BEST FRIENDS?” Sirius started to laugh nervously again but this time it was more like a cry. Remus unloosed his fist.

“Hit me” Sirius said

“no”

“Hit me, I know you want to”

“no”

“I SAID HIT ME”

“no I don’t want to…”

“HIT ME OR I WILL”

“What? are you gonna hit me in the face?”

That’s exactly where Sirius hit him, and it was enough for Remus to lose it and hit him back, and soon they were rolling over each other

\------------------------------

“you hit me in the nose” Remus said after they finally calmed down and sat next to each other on the floor

“it looks better now” Sirius’ lips were hidden under a towel as he was wiping the blood, but Remus didn’t miss his smile.

“I’m sorry for the things I said”

“it’s okay” Sirius put the towel away “it served me right” the scar on his bottom lip made him look terribly hot and Remus couldn’t stop staring.

“you know you can fix it with that wand in your hand” Remus said

“No I needed this, otherwise I wouldn’t have let you…”

“let me?” Remus raised an eyebrow

Sirius winked.

“thanks for not using the wand while we were at it”

“wouldn’t have been fair, specially that it belongs to you” he said “Hey, do you mind if I keep your wand for a while? Just for a short time! I miss having one”

Remus nodded “sure no problem… as long as you keep me safe in this place”

“always” Sirius smiled “so you decided to stay?”

“I don’t know, honestly” Remus made a face after drinking some more fire whiskey “don’t you think that it would be weird a little? You know? Us?”

“I thought there’s no us”

“right just wondered… I mean ever since we met again we were fighting and there are so many things that…”

“hssshhh we deserve to have those little fights moons, what do you expect? Say nothing after meeting each other after ages? the more we keep things inside of us the more we get hurt. I don’t know about you Remus but I need you and I’m not afraid of saying it, I need you! and if being my friend is the only thing you could offer, I would accept that with all my heart because honestly I didn’t even think that I would be able to see you again. So this might not be the way that I had planned for it before but Remus?” he called him softly “Would you move in with me as my best friend?” 

Remus’ heart melted at those words, he paused for a while and just looked at Sirius’ eyes. Could he just take all those words back and kiss the other man for a second? For just a sweet second after more than 13 years? 

“I’d be happy to” he finally said.

A big smile appeared on Sirius’ face. It was all worth it to see that smile, Remus thought and smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when the next update is but I hope you have enjoyed it so far! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it took me so long to update! the next chapter will be updated sooner :)

They didn’t realize when they fell asleep. Remus woke up with a horrible headache in the morning but worse than that was the pain on his back. Then he realized they fell asleep on the floor, the bottles of fire whiskey still beside them. he felt something heavy lying on top of him. He was seeing dim so he had to blink several times to see the fury black dog sleeping and snoring on his chest. Then he realized why he woke up. He heard the sound of something breaking

“pssst padfoot wake up” he whispered quietly but apparently he scared off the dog because padfoot suddenly jumped turning around himself three times till he saw where the voice came from and then he changed back to Sirius and laid down on the floor “Morning” he said looking confused at Remus “What are we doing here?”

“We slept here” Remus struggled to stand up 

“oh we didn’t … d-do anything, did we?”

“ah… I think we only talked”

“oh boring” Sirius yawned “I used to do a lot better when I was drunk”

“yeah tell me about it” Remus struggled to stand up but just fell off again, making Sirius laugh shortly

“need a hand, old man?”

“god I feel dizzy” he finally managed to stand up

“you know I’d say I’d catch you if you fell but I don’t think I’d be able to” Sirius didn’t even bother to try to stand up

“I think I heard some voices, why don’t you change back to padfoot and give me my wand?”

“I could help you more if I stay like this”

“it’s probably nothing but I wouldn’t risk it”

“boring old man” 

“oh fuck off”

“I swear if anyone sees you swearing so much like you do when you’re with me...”

“just change now”

Sirius made a face and changed immediately. Remus took his wand and walked out of room. He wished he had seen himself in the bathroom before going into kitchen. his hair was all messy and his clothes worn-out, smelling of alcohol as he entered the kitchen to see the familiar faces of Albus Dumbledore, Minerva Mcgonagall, Severus Snape, Alastor Moody, Fred and George and Ron and Ginny Weasley with another red haired woman who seemed to be their mother.

“Oh there you are” Dumbledore smiled

He swallowed and turned to see Padfoot who changed back to Sirius and was looking confused at everyone

“oh! Good morning! Come on I'll set the table you two must be hungry” the red haired woman stood up from her seat and came to shake their hands

“err... yes thank you” Remus pointed at the table which was full with breakfast “that’s really nice, Mrs. Weasley”

“oh I completely forgot to introduce myself… please dear, call me Molly” the woman seemed nervous and hurried

“sure I’m…”

“Professor Lupin of course my children told me everything about you” Remus looked at the table to see Ron and Ginny blush and Fred and George waving at him, he smiled at them too “Remus please” he pointed to Sirius “I believe you met Sirius before”

“Oh yes we met” Molly turned to look at Sirius and shook his hand too “I think we all owe you apologies for thinking.…”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything” Sirius smiled

“come on then let’s sit”

Remus and Sirius sat next to each other, next to Sirius was sitting Mcgonagall and next to Remus was Severus who didn’t look really pleasant

“That was remarkable” Mcgonagall whispered to Sirius

“w-what?”

“your transformation” she gave Sirius a heartwarming smile

“thank you Professor” Sirius smiled too, his cheeks all pinky.

“I’m no longer your Professor, as I told Remus before, you can call me Minerva”

“Oh well, you have no idea how hard that is” Sirius grinned and she smiled at him again. Sirius never called her professor Mcgonagall behind her back because the marauders had many nicknames for their head of house but he never called her by her name either 

“I brought your potion Lupin” said Severus next to him. Remus wished Severus wouldn’t mention it in front of Sirius, because Sirius didn’t know that Snape has been bringing Remus his potion even after Hogwarts

“potion? What potion?” Sirius asked. Remus sighed, it was too late

“thank you Severus, I appreciate it”

“should I bring the rest to your place or here?” Severus looked around pathetically

“here I…”

“what’s going on?” Sirius asked again

“later...” Remus whispered to him

“it’s his Wolfsbane Potion, but of course you should know that already” Severus smirked

Sirius looked at Remus, Remus couldn’t recognize if he was mad or disappointed. He actually hoped Sirius would make peace with Snape after he knew that he’s been helping Remus with his potion. But it seemed he was rather mad and it wasn’t like Snape was doing it voluntarily, he was only doing it because Dumbledore had promised Remus that he didn’t have to be worry about his potions if he worked for him at Hogwarts and when he got fired it was only because Snape told everyone about his condition so Dumbledore decided to keep his promise and ask Snape to continue making his potion, which Remus was really grateful for because he sucked at it and all the materials were too expensive that he would rather to suffer every month before having to buy them

“how is that all the sudden you’re interested to make potions for Remus” he looked furiously 

“Sirius now it’s not the time”

“and you took it?!” he looked disappointed at Remus

“Believe me I wasn’t at all interested” Snape said bitterly

“say no more please” Remus whispered in Sirius’ ear“

“If you’re really not you better stop” Sirius waved Remus off and said louder to Snape

“Oh I would’ve if any of you had the skill to make such an occupational potion” Severus smiled bitterly

“oh now you think you’re better than me?” 

“oh god here we go” Remus rolled his eyes and laid his head back to chair

“chill Black, I don’t have anything to prove to you… unlike you I’m capable to do stuff. Helping your old friend is one of them, or you’re telling me you could do that?”

For a moment Sirius’ heart sank, did Snape know about what happened last night with the boggart? Nah he couldn’t

There was no way Sirius could be angrier, he was looking heatedly at Snape, grinding his teeth, pressing his fist under the table

“What are you doing in my house?”

“You call this a house?” every else at the table was staring at the three of them. none of them said anything. ‘Okay, the man wants to get punched’ Sirius thought tightening his fist, but suddenly another hand wrapped around his hand, he didn’t have to look at it to know it was Remus’, he always used to hold Sirius’ hand when he was angry or when he was about to lose sense and it always helped him calm down but now he was even angrier at Remus for first lying to him and second touching his hand like that after what he said last night. Best friends don’t suppose to hold hand like that, are they? Was it an accident that he grabbed his hand like this? or he did this on purpose to just shut Sirius? If Remus wanted him to just be his friend, he wasn’t allowed to do such thing because Sirius wouldn’t be able to take it. And just like that he unloosed his hand rather aggressively and didn’t bother to look at Remus again

“Kingsley, Nymphadora and Arthur are coming here after work” Dumbledore apparently thought it’s the best to change the subject “Rubeus will come too”

“what about buckbeak” Sirius asked still angry

“What about him?” 

“I sent off Hagrid to take care of him when I went to Remus’. Muggles aren’t used to see a creature like that, are they? I guess it’s still with him, will he bring him with him?” 

“I suppose so” Dumbledore said “but where will you put the poor creature”

“I’ll find him a place”

“Sirius…”

Sirius didn’t even bother to let Remus talk or even look at him

“my parents’ bedroom is big enough for him, that could work, Kreater?” he shouted

the house elf appeared in the kitchen, looking hatefully at everyone

“Yes sir?”

“Go to my parents’ room, throw everything away without dragging any attention, empty the room and find some ferrets”

The house elf looked like it was going to cry but it obeyed 

“I’ll write Hagrid to bring buckbeak with him” Sirius stood up and left the table, he heard Molly saying that she prepares dinner for everyone, he heard someone leaving the table as well but he didn’t stop walking and went to his room

“Sirius” Remus finally called him when he was on stairs, he didn’t look back and walked upstairs to his room, he left the door open for Remus to enter

Remus walked slowly inside and closed the door behind him

“you acted childish at the table, you know that?”

“Is that you apologising for lying to me?”

“I’m not here to apologize but you should! and I didn’t lie to you, I told you that Snape has been making my potion”

“at Hogwarts, you said only at Hogwarts! Like that wasn’t enough!”

“So what!? He’s been making my potion even after that what’s such a big deal! It is’t even your concern, it’s my potion and you had no rights behaving like that at the table, why can’t you learn that sometimes somethings aren’t your business and you should just let things be”

“you’re acting stupid I can’t allow that”

“Allow that?” Remus glared at him “it isn’t your concern! And you’re not in the position to…”

“You’re my concern” Sirius said loud “Can’t you see why I did that? it was for you”

“No” Remus said angrily “don’t you dare using me as your excuse to start yet another contest with Snape, cause I’m sick of it.”

“I’m not using you Remus to have a “contest with Snape” how can you think that. I can’t believe you trust him more than you trust me”

“that’s not true and you know that”

“it’s fine” 

“SIRIUS”

“I have a letter to write, close the door behind you”

Remus shook his head and walked outside, closing the door aggressively


	11. Chapter 11

The first day at Grimmauld place and they were all already exhausted and the thing which made them more strained was that no matter how much they were cleaning the house, it still looked like shit. Somehow everyone decided to take a part at cleaning, it looked like everyone wanted to be busy with something and no one wanted to talk  
He only saw Remus three times that day. Once they bop into each other during cleaning the hallway and once again when the whole weasley family met his wonderful mother as she yelled at every single one of them before he and Remus came to shut her and the other time was when they were announcing Dumbledore the secret keeper.  
Hagrid came later that day with Buckbeak who had shown Sirius an extraordinary greeting. At least he was happier than anyone else to see Sirius, so Sirius spent the rest of the day with him.  
……………

“Sirius?” Ron came in when he was feeding Buckbeak 

“Yes?”

“I wanted to ask you something”

“yeah?” Sirius asked

“I wanted to ask you if there’s a way that Hermione would come here?” 

“She wants to be here?” Sirius looked confused “Why?”

“Well we didn’t think it would be a problem…”

“No, no not a problem at all! She is welcome here if she can tolerate this place. I never thought someone would want to be here voluntarily”

“we are all” Ron give him a smiley look “if Harry could come too”

“No” Sirius looked sadly as he stroked Buckbeak “where ever he is, is better than this place” he looked disgusted around “The only thing I’m worried about is him doing something stupid. He is just like James he can’t sit in a place and do nothing”

“like you too”

“Well apparently I have to stay in this damn place forever”

“No, not forever! You will be free one day!”

Sirius didn’t answer

“Is there anyone who can pick Hermione up?”

“I’ll ask Remus. you can go with him” 

Ron waited for him

“I’ll ask him later” said Sirius, telling indirectly to Ron to leave

Ginny came in few minutes later 

“Mr. Black, Sirius?”

“yes?”

“My Mom and Professor Lupin wanted me to ask you to come down”

Sirius heard people greeting downstairs “they came?”

Ginny nodded

Everyone were greeting when Sirius came down. He really hadn’t expected Nymphadora to hug him. He hardly recognized her. 

“My mom told me a lot about you!” she said

“bad things?” Sirius laughed

“when you were in Azkaban yes… But since Dumbledore told us the truth she is feeling really guilty. She told me you were her favorite cousin”

“Well she hasn’t had much for choices… it was me and Regulus”

“still she says you’re the only one good in Black family! I’m really happy to meet you”

“yeah you too” Sirius smiled “you were a child last time I saw you… look at you now! The youngest member of the order”

“yeah I’m really excited to be here” Nymphadora was jumping in her place “and seriously…. Oh! I don’t believe we met” she went closer to Remus who was now talking to a man who was in his same height and had a blue cloak, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Sirius assumed. He was in Hogwarts with them, they had some classes together, so far Sirius remembered “I’m Tonks” she almost fell down when she wanted to shake Remus’ hand

“You’re alright?” he asked 

“yeah” she whispered staring at Remus’ eyes for such a long time, making Remus feel awkward.

“I believe you know who Nymphadora is, Remus?” Sirius went closer to them 

“call me Tonks please…. Remus, what a nice name” she smiled, her hair was getting pinker and pinker

“You’re a Metamorphmagus!” Remus looked at her amazingly

“yeah yeah” said Tonks still staring at Remus with bright eyes. It took Sirius awhile till he realized that Tonks was observing the scars. Sirius saw how uncomfortable Remus looked like. 

“so you’re A-And-r” Remus looked at Sirius for help

“Andromeda’s daughter yes” Sirius smiled 

“nice to meet you” he turned to Tonks and smiled

“youtoo” said Tonks hasty

“Sirius Black” Kinsgley Shacklebolt shook Sirius’ hand “pleasure to meet you”

Sirius nodded and smiled, he was still nervous of so many people being around him 

“I have to tell you that I was one of the aurors who was looking forward to arrest you, please accept mine apologize. I didn’t know you were an innocent man”

“don’t worry about it, even my closest friends…” Sirius stopped, remembering he’s got only one close friend left, and he wasn’t even sure if they were still close “… no one knew, I couldn’t expect you to” Sirius smiled and turned to see Remus looking down and Nymphadora looking guiltily at him

“still” Kingsley said “I’d be happy to let you know that, I still have that job and I can manage to keep everyone away from here”  
“that’s good news, really” Remus smiled happily at Sirius. Sirius wished he could be happy about it as well, but still he was stuck in the house, after Kingsley, Remus went to greet Dedalus Diggle and Arthur Weasley. Nymphadora’s eyes followed Remus.

“you were staring at his scars, wondering why he has them?”   
Sirius asked

“oh I wasn’t staring, was I?” Nymphadora asked nervously

Sirius nodded

“oh god” Nymphadora frowned “no I wasn’t just staring at his scars and I know why he has those”

“What?” Sirius almost yelled

“don’t worry everyone knows” Tonks smiled “well we all have to know that one of our members is a werewolf, don’t you think?”

“Dumbledore told you? Does Remus know about this?” 

“he wouldn’t have told us without his permission. But I knew it even before”

“knew it? How?”

“you’re kidding me?” Tonks looked surprised “everyone at the ministry knows!”

Suddenly Sirius started to feel sick “how?”

“since the event that happened at Hogwarts before he resigned… oh believe me there have been a lot of talks about him specially since the rumors of you know who… Fudge has become mad and he uses Remus as a proof that Dumbledore is insane”

Sirius tried hard to control his anger, he bit his lip and glared at Snape who was standing next to Dumbledore 

“why are you looking at Snape?” Nymphadora asked

Sirius was still looking angrily, trying hard not to attack Snape “h-he was the one who told everyone” 

“oh” Nymphadora looked at Snape with the same look as Sirius “I hated him so much as a student, I was quite surprised to hear that he’s an order member. I don’t know why Dumbledore trusts him but whatever it is it means he is really on our side”

“pffff” Sirius let out a laugh “oh dear cousin, whatever you do, do not think for a moment that Severus Snape has changed from the dark hatefu-”

“has changed? You knew him”

“we had a history” he said and looked sadly at Remus “all of us”

“Anyways” Tonks started to bring back the subject to Remus “how is he able to look so…”

“peaceful?”

“yeah” Tonks looked softly at Remus’ direction, and to be fair so did Sirius

“that’s Remus” Sirius smiled “You don’t believe the things you’ve heard about him. Do you?”

“Oh no, not at all! I wouldn’t be here if I did! I hope I didn’t make the wrong impression by staring at him like that… when you called his name I immediately realized who he was and I didn’t expect him to be the Remus Lupin that was described at the ministry… he looks too innocent and kind to be that… and I wasn’t looking at the scars because it scared me, as the matter of fact I kinda find those scars attractive” Nymphadora’s hair suddenly started to get red and so did her face “oh shit I can never keep my mouth shut… sorry… you’re just getting to know me and I already broke the ‘try not to be yourself’ promise that I made to my mom for the first meeting” 

“I… erm” Sirius really didn’t know what he should think of all these and it did really make him feel weird having heard Nymphadora talking about Remus like that but it was probably nothing, Sirius wasn’t the only one in world who was allowed to find Remus’ scars attractive, Lily and others girl used to tell Remus that the scars made him look appealing too. Marlene used to mess around with him all the time and kiss his cheek to make him blush. It was nothing back then and it’s nothing now 

“yes it does make him look d-dashing, but he himself doesn’t believe that and it makes him uncomfortable when people talk about it so…”

“you know him very well, don’t you?”

“Yes…Yes, I know him since we were a child… he’s… he’s m-my… b-best friend”

“that’s nice” Nymphadora smiled “well maybe you can talk to him about me, tell him that I didn’t mean to stare at him like that, maybe he believes you and would stop thinking of me as a freak girl who couldn’t stop staring at his scars… don’t tell him I find them attractive though” she winked

Hestia Jones and Elphias Diggle came to greet him and talk to him after that, he didn’t get the chance to think about his conversation with Nymphadora anymore, was she attracted in Remus? Isn’t he like 13 years older than her? Nah! It couldn’t be! She was just trying to be nice, Sirius hopped. His conversation with Hestia and Elphias was getting more awkward, he couldn’t tolerate all those conversations at once. All the sudden everyone was interested in Sirius’ story and they all wanted to hear it, but it wasn’t a story for Sirius, it made him shiver talking about it, especially when he was trying hard to forget it. Luckily Remus looked up to see how Sirius’ eyes were begging for help desperately, after all these years he couldn’t bear to talk with all of these people, especially when they were all looking at him like if he would break into pieces in any moment, all of their eyes were full with pity they were pretending to understand Sirius’ pain, but no one could.

Remus came closer and hugged Hestia 

“long time no see” she smiled

“says the one who was abroad” Remus smiled back “don’t blame me for that”

“still, a letter would’ve been nice” 

Elphias shook Remus’ hand as well

“It’s nice to…” Elphias started to talk but was interrupted by Molly

“why are we standing in the hallway? Come on! To the kitchen! dinner is ready!” 

Everyone was busy with talking during the dinner, it was only, hell even Snape was talking with Podmore. Sirius tried to talk with others who were trying hard to talk with him, but it was like he had lost his tongue, there was nothing he could say, he would only smile and nod or answer with yes or no, he thought it would make him happy to see all those people again, but it only made him more depressed, he tried to search Remus’ eyes for comfort, but they didn’t seem to be spoiled like his, he was talking with Hestia about her journey, and it looked like Hestia had a lot of funny things to tell about, because they were laughing, not that Sirius cared, he tried his best, but every moment that past his heart started to hurt more and more, it was looking forward to hear a similar voice, a voice it expected to hear within this folk. It took Sirius awhile to realize what his heart was missing, why he wasn’t happy, why he couldn’t be. He closed his eyes to hear them, laughing and talking with the same people who were here, in another time. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe, his body was telling him that he shouldn’t be there, he didn’t deserve to be there and then something else went through his head, it was a short thought and Sirius felt really bad about it afterwards, but he couldn’t help it when for a moment, just for a moment, he wished it was the others who died that night. It hurt, sitting at the table with the same faces looking old and odd at him. part of him for a moment preferred his old cell at Azkaban, part of him wanted to stay there and die there for what he had done, for the first time since he got out of Azkaban, he wished he was there, still rotting and slowly dying. He convinced himself that he had reasons to live for, that it all had to be worth it at the end, but the sin was much bigger to ignore. Thinking about Harry and taking care of him, but only to remember if it wasn’t for him, he would’ve had his parents, the things that happened to him would have never happened. and then coming back as his godfather still not being able to stop him from suffering. Thinking about Remus and having him back, only to remember how he destroyed his life and took everything away from him. Why was he here at all? The only two people he had left in this world would do better without him. They didn’t seem to need him as much as he needed them. he was just extra. He wondered if Harry and Remus would think about him like everyone else does, if they would pity him as well. a broken man who can’t be fixed, a broken man who is waiting to die, wasn’t that true after all? 

“not to be rude or anything” Fred next to him said loudly to   
Tonks who was making funny faces for Ginny and Ron “but is that your real face now?” 

“yes, I don’t change my face often! I only like changing my hair color!” then she looked at Remus and said loudly “this is my natural face”

They distracted Sirius from his thought for a short time 

“what are the news about you know who, Minerva?” Elphias was talking with Mcgonagall 

“not now” Mcgonagall whispered “we will talk about it during the meeting tomorrow, when the children are in their room”

“what about the boy…” 

“….. and then the Giant told his parents ….” Hagrid was telling Podmore and Snape a joke, Snape didn’t seem to find it funny

“what is the meaning for this stupid dinner?” Mad-eye asked Dumbledore angrily “look at everyone! No one seems to give a damn about the reason why they’re actually here!”

“Believe me Alastor, they all do” Dumbledore assured him “they know exactly why they’re here… all these laughs are only there to cover what they’re all actually thinking…” 

Sirius wondered if Dumbledore was right

“…they all have learned not to act scared in such a situation, they use laughter even if it is for a short time to remember with all the things that’s going on, they still have their lives”

“but soon enough, there wouldn’t be a life anymore” Mad-eye insisted

“they all know my friend… they all know that they might die, but look around you, they’re still here aren’t they? Do you want to be sure that they care? look at them closely” Dumbledore whispered “look at Hestia for example, her voice is unsteady and Remus next to her has fought his fears ever since he was a child, he knows exactly how to act now, how to stay calm and peaceful, although there is a chaos in his head! Look at Minerva, she always grinds her teeth when she is nervous and…”

“Sirius said he’ll ask Professor Lupin if he could pick up Hermione tomorrow…” Ron said happily to Ginny

“how was work today, honey, did you see him today? Did you try to speak with Percy to come off one’s high horse?”

“oh yes I saw him today…” Arthur looked mad

“…. Oh I was born like this it isn’t something you can learn to become…” Tonks told the twins 

“… well the potion has made it really easier…” Remus explained to Hestia

“…. And then the baby giant says he’s afraid of a lobster haha… don’t you think it’s funny? ….” Hagrid started to laugh, Snape rolled his eyes

“…. But is it safe at those muggles? ….” Elphias asked Minerva

“… and look at Hagrid, he’s making giant jokes again, which is sign a that he’s feeling scared and uncomfortable …” Dumbledore continued showing Moody how everyone was stressed

“…. But how could you be born like this when your Parents weren’t Metamorphmagus? ....” George asked confused

“are you okay, Sirius?” asked Emmeline Vance who was sitting next to him “you look pale”

“I-I…” it was true. he wasn’t feeling good at all “I… excuse me” he stood up and hopped he wouldn’t get anyone’s attention and left. What he didn’t see was Remus’ eyes that were following him with concern

He went to his parents’ room to be around buckbeak, the two of them have become like best friends ever since they both were running

“Sirius” Remus walked in too but before he realizes buckbeak was only few inches away from him

“woah easy Remus stay where you are don’t move” Sirius said worried

Remus held his breath

“it’s okay buckbeak he’s just a friend, he’s not here to hurt us”

Buckbeak looked suspiciously at Remus, ready to attack, Remus swallowed

“Remus bow!”

He did as Sirius said

But buckbeak was still glaring at Remus and was ready to attack, it took Remus few second to realize why

“S-Sirius he knows what I am”

Sirius’ expression changed, his eyes looked scared now

“b-buckbeak look look! Look at me” Sirius started to walk closer to Remus and rested a hand on his shoulder “see he’s my friend”

The hippogriff didn’t look convinced

“I don’t understand why he can’t trust you” he told Remus “walk slowly behind me he wouldn’t harm you when I am in between…” Remus nodded

“shhh Buckbeak it’s just Moony… remember I told you about him?”

Remus’ heart twitched, Sirius has been talking about him to a hippogriff, the man must have been really alone

“you will give Remus a chance won’t you my friend? There there… we’re safe” Sirius turned back “go get those ferrets” he whispered to Remus

Remus grabbed them slowly

“look he has dinner for you!” Sirius grinned stroking the hippogriff’s head “come one Moony I think he has calmed down”

For a moment Remus wasn’t sure to move but he finally extended his arm and offered the hippogriff some dead ferrets.

Buckbeak seemed happy and took them from Remus and started eating

“there” Sirius smiled and Remus couldn’t help but to smile too

“you alright?” Remus finally remembered why he was there

“what? Yeah yeah I’m fine totally”

“you didn’t look good at the dinner” buckbeak hit Remus with his beak to ask for more ferrets

“I that was nothing I just needed… a fresh air”

“in a room with a hippogriff tearing the dead ferrets and blood effusing everywhere?”

“I eh” Sirius laughed “just needed to be alone”

“oh” Remus looked disappointed “do you want me to le…”

“no, no I didn’t mean that” Sirius’ voice was still a little unsteady but he looked better than how he looked at the table “just all that... all the people… all the sounds… it was…”

“too much?”

Sirius nodded

“We should probably get back it was rude to leave like that” Sirius sighed

“well they were all disappointed for not hearing much from you tonight, it doesn’t suit you, you know? Being the quite one?”

Sirius laughed

“but I’m sure they understand if you don’t go back, I don’t think you should”

Sirius nodded again

“I’ll make an excuse, why don’t you go to your room and sleep? You really need to rest. tomorrow will be a hard day” Remus smiled and walked outside

“see buckbeak? You finally met him” Sirius sat on the floor as Remus left “don’t look at me like that, things aren’t the same between us anymore not that it could be ever”

Buckbeak walked around the room, looking for more ferrets and was disappointed not to find any

“I just miss him so much you know?” he sighed “I miss everything… tell me what to do? Give me the way to bring everything back can you?” he laughed “hear those voices James?” he burst out in tears “you’re not one of them, though I can hear you, I can hear you, I can hear you sitting there talking and laughing, I can hear all of you… I’m s-sorry… I’m so sorry… I lost everything and I c-can’t… I can’t pretend I’m okay anymore, I’m sick of pretending, I’m sick of Remus pretending, sick of everyone. I don’t want this, I don’t want to be here I hate this place, I hate this room… it just hurts. I- help me James? I want my life back, the way it was, I want Harry to be happy, I want Remus to love me again, I want him to be mine again and I want to keep them safe… is that so much? Snape’s right after all, I’m capable to do nothing. p-please I don’t know what to do anymore? If only you could be here Lily, if only you could tell me what to do this time, how to fix it? Tell me! TELL ME!” 

Buckbeak was shocked for being shouted at but he has had this conversation before, he was used to it, that’s why he didn’t get sulky anymore “we ran out of ferrets! So can you please stop? I’ll get you some tomorrow, alright mate?” Buckbeak came closer to Sirius and sat next to him, his eyes also full of sorrow 

“you know how I feel don’t you? I’m sorry that this happened to you my friend, you didn’t deserve it, I’m sorry for us not being free, I’m more sorry for you than myself because everything that happened to me, I deserved it… I deserved all…”

“O ‘ELLO!” Hagrid walked inside “I wasn’t expecting to see you here! Remus told you went to sleep”

“I oh yeah I was going to” Sirius stood up

“don’t mind me! Just came to see buckbeak before I leave, ‘ow you doing my friend” Hagrid smiled and walked closer to buckbeak

“I- I’ll leave you two then” Sirius smiled and left

“G’night”

Sirius went to his room, though he didn’t sleep, he couldn’t bear to have another dream. He made himself busy, cleaning his room a little. He found an old photo of a four-year-old him hugging the two-year-old Regulus. And he suddenly felt even worse, he tried hard not to think about his little brother over years, especially since he came to this house, he struggled hard and didn’t even get close to his brother’s room. Poor Reg, the two-year-old boy in the picture was grinning at his brother. He sighed and put the rest of the pictures away, he wasn’t ready for it. He found some cigarettes in his room and started to smoke and after that he started drinking whiskey, they seemed not to run out from them in this house. he could hear some people walking outside, going to different rooms, talking and laughing. He hoped Remus would come to his room but that wasn’t going to happen

After a while he chose to go to Remus’ room, figuring that everyone must be gone to their rooms by now. And he promised Ron that he’ll ask Moony to bring Hermione tomorrow, so that was a great excuse to bother Remus in the middle of the night.   
He took a breath and knocked, hopping Remus was still awake

“come in”

Remus was sitting at the table reading the news

“you look angry” Sirius murmured as he walked toward Remus

“you sick son of a bitch” Remus glared at the papers in front of him

“what is it?”

“this fucking bastard again…”

“Fudge?”

“Umbridge!”

“who?”

“never mind” he put the papers away and finally looked up to see Sirius’ dizzy eyes, which were really close to him now and made him gasp. He looked shocked at Sirius and wasn’t sure what he was going to do when Sirius was getting closer to him with those hungry eyes. But he got relaxed when Sirius just hugged him. Hiding his face in his hair as he was standing and hugging the sitting man, hands wrapped around his neck.

“I’m sorry” Sirius mumbled in Remus’ hair and Remus almost didn’t hear him “don’t be mad at me”

“what are you talking about? I’m not mad” Remus said softly “are you drunk?”

“a little” Sirius was almost falling asleep, standing like that

“why would I be mad at you?”

“in the morning… you said that I shouldn’t have got involved with your business with Snape… you’re right and I’m sorry”

Remus looked up shocked which made Sirius finally let go of him, he hadn’t expected to hear this from Sirius not even a little

“I- um”

“I just don’t want to fight anymore”

“I know” Remus looked down, almost disappointed in himself because Sirius Black was acting more mature than him “me neither”

Sirius smiled tiredly

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. and I understand that you were concerned. Honestly I would have been too if it had been you”

“I just can’t trust him with something that important you know?”  
Remus nodded, he knew no matter what, Sirius would never trust anyone again, much less to Snape…

“what do you want me to do? Stop taking it?”

“don’t be stupid” Sirius sat on Remus’ bed “I would never ever want you to suffer, and so far I heard that these potions make it really easier for you, don’t they?”

“yeah, yeah they do”

Sirius smiled

“but it still bothers you that Snape is the one making them”

Sirius nodded “I can’t bear his eyes looking at me like I’m a loser… no matter how much that’s true”

“why would he…”

“because he can help you and I can’t”

“Sirius”

“he knows I care… I can’t bear having him in the order, especially when I must sit at home doing nothing while he will be showing off about how he put his life “in danger” every time he’s on a mission”

“You don’t know if he will do that”

“don’t you know that bastard at all?”

“I would hex him for you if he even mentioned it”

Sirius smiled “wouldn’t change the fact that it’s true” he laid down on bed. Remus wondered if he should ask him to sleep in his own room but after seeing him so defeated, he figured it wouldn’t be any harm, if he did only tonight

“if you’re taking my bed, you may at least leave me some place”   
Sirius grinned and rolled to left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! Sirius' loneliness broke my heart too! I wanted to show how alone he was and how hard it must have been for him. I hope with talking to Buckbeak and mistaking him as James I showed what I wanted to. And yeah be ready for more angst but next chapter might get a little fluffy as well ;)


	12. Chapter 12

Remus woke up with the heavy black dog, sleeping on his chest again. Did he always change to Padfoot when he was sleeping? Remus wondered if he even changed on purpose. Remus’ gaze and his little movements woke Sirius up although he tried hard not to wake him. He figured that Sirius has become really sensitive when he was asleep, he would open his eyes with little movements and little sounds, it kind of looked like he wasn’t actually asleep, Remus didn’t need to try to know why. Poor Padfoot must have slept with open eyes while he was running off all the time. 

“it’s okay, it’s just me… go back to sleep” Remus whispered softly but Sirius didn’t seem to want to go to sleep. He changed back and extended a hand to help Remus out of bed

“why do you always change in sleep?”

“hmm?”

“last night you slept as Sirius and woke up as Padfoot”

“oh… I don’t know, force of habit?”

Sirius didn’t seem to think it was important so Remus didn’t say anything else. They heard some voices down stairs. Looked like everyone else was already awake

“shit I forgot to tell” Sirius turned back “could you pick up Hermione today?”

“what? Why?”

“you could ask her why… I seriously don’t understand why she wants to be here. It’s good though… she is really smart, she can help and when Harry comes here, he will see his two best friends”

“Sirius that’s not going to happen anytime soon”

“I know”

“have you heard from him? any letter?”

“no, but I’ll write him today, warn him about the things he shouldn’t write in the letters”

“good idea… so I guess I’ll bring Hermione here and then leave. I think I’ll arrive on time before they close the-”

“where?”

“ministry’s containment facility”

“WHAT? NO!”

“what do you mean no”

“you can’t go there”

“well I can’t stay here” 

“why not!”

“there are too many people here” “but you have the potion and you have me”

“it’s too risky”

“no please Remus, come on. It’s awful there! I can’t stay here tonight knowing that I could spend the night protecting Moony instead of waiting to see him ribbed out around the other werewolves”

“but-”

“come on Moony please, I solemnly swear that I’ll take care of everything and make sure to make the room safe and locked for you and I will be there all the night so you don’t have to worry”

Sirius seemed to be happy about the full moon, though he was trying to hide his expression, it was obvious

“fine”

Sirius grinned with happy puppy eyes, which were looking innocent a moment ago

\-------------------------

The sun was already down when Remus finally arrived with Hermione. The two of them were busy talking as they came inside but they got interrupted with Sirius and Ron coming toward them

“ehm” Ron cleared his throat “hello”

“You’re late!” Sirius said worriedly “what happened… hello Hermione” he greeted Hermione when he saw her looking at him concerned “it’s full moon”

“oh I know we tried to get here as soon as we could. When Professor arrived my parents insisted to invite him in for cup of coffee and they kind of kept him there long asking questions about different things” she looked guiltily at Remus “then we were out and Professor Lupin…”

“no longer your professor”

“right… R-Remus said that we have to make sure that we haven’t been followed so here we are now”

“do you have everything prepared?” Remus asked him

“yes, yes I do. Come on then. See you two later” Sirius smiled at both Ron and Hermione as he took Remus’ hand and dragged him upstairs

“kind of late for a person who never takes risks” Sirius closed the door and locked it behind him

“I know… I also went back to my place and spoke to the landlord, told him I will no longer live there”

“oh good” Sirius smiled

“excited?” Remus raised an eye brow as he looked at Sirius’ bright eyes

“can’t hide it, can I?”

Remus sat on a chair “chain me”

“why”

“for safety”

“but I thought potions helped you sit somewhere calmly”

“I know… yes potions make me stay calm… but still the wolf will sense the people and it’s also for your safety”

“my safety? Moony will never hurt me”

“the wolf…” Remus paused and then looked at Sirius “the wolf might get excited to see you here tonight”

“awwww”

“no Sirius that’s not good! Any emotion during the full moon isn’t good. The wolf might hurt you out of excitement or even be angry with you for abandoning him”

Sirius suddenly looked pale, his bright eyes losing their expression

“shit Sirius I didn’t mean- I- I just want you to be careful- just please do as I say” 

Sirius nodded

“I don’t want the same thing to happen to you like it did in sixth year”

Sirius remembered. He remembered the angry wolf as he pushed him toward the trees, holding his throat with his claw, before James pushed him away with his antler and separated them. he remembered the wolf also hurting himself, hurting Remus, that night. It was the first full moon after the prank, where Remus clearly told him not to come because he knew although his human part was good at controlling his emotions, the wolf wasn’t. the more Remus held things in himself the more would the wolf split and mess things up. And what Sirius did back then only made Remus not talk to him for much longer so yeah Sirius remembered. He remembered every single part of it. It was actually one of the memories that has come to his mind many times in Azkaban. 

“the wolf is angry with me”

“I said he might be emotional tonight” the wolf was totally angry. Remus could feel it overcoming him. He was so stupid not to consider this happening earlier “please don’t take that look. See this is exactly why I didn’t intend to be here tonight. Maybe it’s better if I stay alone”

“No!! trust me. Nothing bad will happen”

Remus wanted to yell ‘oh believe me it will! I can feel it’ but he kept quiet knowing that anything that happens tonight is better for Sirius than asking him to leave. He didn’t want to disappoint him and just hoped that the wolf wouldn’t hurt his friend like he felt it would. 

“there are chains in my suitcase”

“you carry them with you?” 

“always, now please hurry”

\-------------------

As Remus first opened his eyes, he could barely see anything, having a vertigo and a horrible pain in his arm, which was normal. He wasn’t able to keep his eyes open for much longer and fell asleep but before that he saw a black dog laying down next to him and a moment later he felt his face getting wet, which must have been padfoot licking him, though he immediately went unconscious again.

The second time he opened his eyes he was already in his bed. He felt Sirius fingers through his hair, patting it. He turned his face to see Sirius sitting close to him on the edge of the bed.

“shhh I’m here” Sirius hand moved down and brushed his cheek

“y-you o- ok- ka-ay?” Remus hardly managed to put the words together

“I’m alright love”

Though Remus fell asleep again

The third time he opened his eyes, he wasn’t confounded anymore, he even tried to stand up, but Sirius pushed him gently back to bed

“shhh easy no need to stand up”

“Sirius?”

“yes”

“you alright?”

Sirius smiled “yeah look” he stepped backward for Remus to take look at him completely “see? No harm done”

Remus looked at him convinced and relieved then he leaned back to the wall next to his bed

“I brought you breakfast” Sirius said joyfully “breakfast in bed”

“very romantic” 

“I know right?” 

“Is that chocolate I smell?”

“chocolate indeed”

He took the tray and looked up at Sirius

“you eat?” 

“already have”

“did you stay here the whole time?”

Sirius nodded “though I made you breakfast” he smiled happily

“you made it?” Remus raised an eyebrow

“fine, Molly did…. But I asked her for chocolate and I was the one bringing it”

“my hero”

“I ignore the sarcastic voice”

“so… how did it go last night?”

“couldn’t be better”

“really?” Remus looked suspicious “that’s odd”

“See Lupin, your wolf side is way more cooperative than you”

Remus pursed his lips, still looking suspicious

“You could say I seduced him”

This time Remus burst into a laugh

“oh yeah I seduced Moony” Sirius smirked, running a hand through his hair “still have it”

Remus started to eat but the happy smile was still on his face.

“the meeting!” he suddenly yelled

“after lunch. You’ll make it”

“oh good. Any news from Harry?”

“I wrote him yesterday. Must hear something from him soon”

The sudden knock on the door scared them both off

“Professor Lupin?”

Sirius laughed

“they are never gonna stop calling me professor, are they?”

“don’t blame them. I still shiver thinking about calling Minnie, Minerva!”

“you call her Minnie”

“behind her back”

Remus laughed “COME IN”

“sorry for interruption” Hermione looked

“unless you think Sirius calling Professor Mcgonagall Minnie was a serious matter, there was nothing to interrupt”

Both Ron and Hermione laughed

“how are you Remus?” Hermione asked softly

“haven’t been this good in years” he said and saw a happy expression on Sirius’ face

“I brought you two the daily prophet” Ron said and handed Sirius the papers “Errol brought it earlier today” 

Sirius took an uninterested look and handed Remus the papers without looking at them “nothing good will appear anyways”

Remus would read it carefully though, if there were anything worth saying, Remus would tell him. Sirius already knew what none sense was written there.

“how’s Harry Sirius?” Hermione asked

“I’ll let you two know as soon as I get a letter” Sirius assured them

Though it looked like that Ron and Hermione were struggling to ask something else

“if there is anything you need, you know you can ask us” Remus told them

“just wondering…” Hermione stopped

“why?” Ron asked “why doesn’t Dumbledore want Harry to be here?”

“he only told us not to write important things in the letter” Hermione said “and when I got here Ron told me that he isn’t even allowed to come here…”

“why?” Ron asked again

“…you know that this will drive him crazy Sirius… how would we know if he is even safe!”

Sirius was too bothered about all these himself that he leaved it up for Remus to answer. Remus could find a right answer for them, he was Remus

“Harry is safe as long as he is in that house…”

“bu…”

“… no matter the discord between him and dursleys. I know it’s hard for him to stay there, but if Dumbledore thinks he is safe there-”

“Remus and his trust in the old man”

Remus ignored Sirius and continued “if Dumbledore thinks he is safe there. It really means he is. However,” he started before Sirius could protest “I do also believe that him being safe in that house shouldn’t be enough for us to rely on. Whatever’s going on in Voldemort’s mind…”

Ron and Hermione shivered of hearing the name

“…it isn’t leaving Harry there for himself to be safe and living. I don’t think anywhere is safe enough for Harry. As he is and will always be Voldemort’s priority…”

This time Sirius was the one to shiver

“… now I don’t expect Voldemort’s action to be blatant. But I don’t expect him to do nothing either, he will try ways in a smart way. Maybe not great and extraordinary but feasible and pragmatic. That’s why I think it is important for Harry to be watched over.” He focused his eyes on Sirius who was following his words attentively “I was looking forward to discuss this matter at the meeting today, what is your opinion Sirius?”

“you think that’s safer than him living with us?”

“I said until he’s there this might be a solution for us to make sure he’s safe and have an eye on him and prevent things that might happen”

“this is a great idea” Ron said “but...” Ron looked at Hermione who was frowning at him for interruption “how are you going to be sure that Harry himself won’t get in trouble”

“what trouble is he going to be in, when he is twenty four hours a day in that house?” Hermione asked

“well let’s say I’m Harry and I see a familiar face watching over me down the street. What do I do? Do I stay where I am or do I follow him to find out where he goes?”

“Ron that’s …” Hermione looked at him astonished

“smart yes. But Harry hasn’t met most of the people here yet. And if this actions were to be taken. It must be done secretly.” Sirius said “we don’t want our people to lose their covers. There aren’t many people capable of the job. Teachers can’t certainly do it and nor Arthur, Tonks and Shacklebolt. It’s a risk to send Remus or Mad-eye there as well. As they will be immediately recognized by Harry, ministry or even death eaters. And for the rest…”

“I really think we should discuss the rest of this matter at the meeting” Remus said

“Are we allowed in?” Hermione asked. Remus gave her an obvious look with a smile “worth the shot” she said raising her shoulder and then walked out with Ron.

Remus laid on the bed again

“you want to sleep?”

“yes” Remus yawned

“so I guess I’m gonna check on Buckbeak and then go help with cleaning, I actually managed to avoid it till now. Guess it can’t be delayed for much longer… Unless you need help with anything and I can make an excuse?” 

“I don’t think I need help with sleeping” Remus said, the corner of his mouth turning up

“well like the lady said, worth the shot huh?” as he opened the door to walk out, they both heard the voice of Molly Weasley shouting “HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO, NO TELEVISION WHILE CLEANING!”

Another roar and the portrait of Walburga Black started to full the space with her lovely voice

“are you sure you don’t want to think this through? There are a lot of things a man can do to help someone sleep”

“yeah like closing the door”

“son of a bitch”

“good luck padfoot” Remus grinned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be so long! I will update it on next Friday :)


	13. Chapter 13

Unlike what Sirius thought, many people volunteered to keep an eye on Harry. As Remus shared his thoughts with the order, Dumbledore agreed on it immediately and told him that he’s had the same thing on his mind. Severus Snape has smiled winningly at Sirius as it was set out that he must be the one risking his life spying on his fellow death eaters and besides that it turned out that as long as Fudge stays blind there aren’t many things they could do.  
After settling out which people were responsible to keep the privet drive safe the actual matter began, apparently none of them were able to spread the news about voldemort’s returning. Sirius was banned forever to leave the Grimmauld place. It wasn’t even safe going out as padfoot because wormtail probably told the other side about him being an animagus. Remus wasn’t someone people would trust so he was out as well, at least that was something that made Sirius cheer up a little, he wouldn’t be alone. Sirius could feel Dumbledore struggling with himself to ask a favor from Remus, but he didn’t. Sirius knew he wasn’t the only one who was ready to fight Dumbledore if he asked Remus to spy on the werewolves again, he also saw Mcgonagall gazing at Dumbledore and wondered if she also had the same feeling. Didn’t Remus say that he could run before they could come for him? If so why was she looking that angrily at Dumbledore? If someone followed Dumbledore’s orders without hesitation it was Mcgonagall and Remus. Sirius was relieved when Dumbledore didn’t mention it, knowing Remus would agree on it. The old man seemed to know as soon as he opens mouth he would face the many objections from others. Anyways Tonks, Arthur and Kingsley weren’t able to spread the news as well, well not if they wanted to keep their job and Dumbledore needed them to keep their jobs. So it turned out that Dumbledore himself should be the one doing it and it will cause him a lot troubles. That was almost everything that happened in the first meeting after that Snape and Dumbledore leaved immediately which Sirius was grateful for. He also saw Mcgonagall standing next to door ready to leave

“Minerva… why are you leaving. I though you’d stay. It is too late to leave don’t you think?”

“what do you want Sirius?” Mcgonagall asked, raising an eyebrow 

“just to have a chat”

“a long chat?” Mcgonagall looked at the door

“you were looking angrily at Dumbledore when he paused to ask something from Remus”

“oh yes I had talked to him before coming here begging him to leave this matter…”

“why?”

“well isn’t that obvious?” Mcgonagall looked with the same angry eyes at Sirius but her expression changed when she saw Sirius looking at her questionably “you have no idea, do you?” 

“Sirius? Minerva? What are you doing standing in front of the door? Why don’t you come in?” Molly asked

“I was just about to leave Molly”

“what? No wait” Sirius said

“good night Sirius” she said and left

“NO WAIT” 

BANG, the portrait of Walburga Black started to shriek

“arghhhhh I swear I’M GONNA LOSE IT” he then walked into the hall, yelling at her mother “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPP”

“Traitor! How dare you letting all these blood traitors inside my house!”

“I do whatever the hell I want! NOW SHUT UP”

“Sirius” Remus also walked in the hallway, covering his ears

“You YOU!” his mother screamed even louder which Sirius thought wasn’t possible “you filthy half-blood! The monster who corrupted my son! GET OUT GET OUT”

“SHUT UP YOU CRONE! YOU UGLY BEAST” 

“Sirius that’s enough, help me put back the curtain”

“YOU CAN’T DESTROY THIS FAMILY”

“WATCH ME” Sirius yelled back

Remus struggled to put back the curtain alone but wasn’t successful

“dude” Fred and George walked in as well “shut her up will you? I think I’m gonna be deaf” 

“I’M TRYING” said Remus, struggling

The twins joined Remus helping him to shut the screaming woman. When Remus turned around, Sirius was already gone. And Remus decided to give him some time alone

Molly was looking concerned at Remus

“yes?” Remus asked

“it’s just” Molly mumbled “d-did you look at his eyes? It was- it was”

Remus frowned, unsure of what Molly wanted to say

“emotionless... like- like a-”

“like someone who has escaped from the worst place in the world with dementors surrendering him the whole time?”

“I- I didn’t me-”

“if you ask me his behavior is more than normal”

“I didn’t say- I’m just worried about his mental-” she stopped when she saw the angry look on Remus “well maybe it’s not my concern”

“it is not”

“just- I-”

“Is there a problem? You were also glaring at him the whole time at the table”

“you’re telling me you didn’t notice the way he was questioning everyone today? Like he knows better than everyone including Dumbledore himself!”

“so? He is being careful what’s the matter?”

“careful? He talked disrespectfully with everyone at the table, disagreeing with almost everyone Dumbledore picked for watching over Harry like it’s his decision-”

“everything related to Harry is first Sirius’ concern and doing anything without his agreement is absolutely irrational”

“I’m just saying entrusting such a responsibility to a man who is clearly out of his mind is illogical!”

“Sirius is not out of his mind” Remus took everything he had in control to speak calmly

“how can you say that when you just said it is normal for someone who has spent the most of his life in azkaban to become mad? No one leaves that place in his right mind”

Remus tried hard to stay calm but it was getting more impossible in every moment

“even Dumbledore thinks it’s better if he doesn’t do anything”

“for his safety not because he doesn’t trust him” Remus wasn’t sure if he could believe his own words either, as Dumbledore and Sirius only exchanged distrustful look at each other during the meeting 

“for god’s sake Remus you’re only defending him because he is your friend. Deep down you also know that Sirius can’t be trusted-”

“THAT’S NOT TRUE” 

“don’t think I have anything against Sirius. I’m also worried about his health. Sirius and I are cousins by marriage, you know? But right now the only thing I care about is the order. For heaven’s sake Remus I have seven children. I can’t sleep at nights fearing I might lose them. Harry is also like my own son I care for him that’s why I’m worried. I don’t want anything to happen to them. And Remus forgive me if I’m being harsh but wasn’t it Sirius’ own actions that brought him into azkaban and caused… other things?”

“s-so? He is aware of his m-mistakes”

“he did those mistakes when he was in his right mind. I’m not saying he is doing it on purpose but if anything he is now even less reliable… I’m saying this to you because I only want to hear one thing. You were one of those who got hurt of Sirius’ actions… if you say you are able to trust him, I will try too. But answer honesty, do you completely trust him?”

There was a long pause before Remus answered. “Yes” He finally said shortly, though he felt Molly has already got her answer when Remus hesitated. though why did he hesitate was Remus’ own question. Molly smiled after hearing the unsure voice

“I see” she said, but Remus left before she could say anything else.

He did trust Sirius, he repeated to himself. ‘It is Sirius, he’ll never hurt those who he loves…’ ‘but that’s all he ever done isn’t it?’ I’m not saying he’s doing it on purpose, he heard Molly saying. no Sirius has changed. He’d never hurt anyone again, especially the one person he cares about most in this world, he would never ever do anything that’d hurt Harry so yeah Remus did trust him. He went to his room still angry with himself for hesitating, feeling he has just betrayed Sirius. Part of him was indeed still mad at Sirius for the things he’d done and now he was even angrier because Molly had to point her finger on it, but that part was vanished as soon as he remembered Sirius’ gentle hand touching his hair in the morning and his soft smile and the way he softly spoke to him, like it was only the two of them in the world. Remus hated himself for being so weak when it came to Sirius, hasn’t he been tortured enough? Hasn’t Sirius hurt him enough? So why was he still defending him? Why would he care about what Molly thinks and says about Sirius when almost everything she said was what others think of Sirius as well, she wasn’t the only one throwing distrustful looks at Sirius during the meeting. Remus was sure about Sirius’ awareness, he could feel Sirius sitting uncomfortable next to him, looking distressed and yet he managed to stay there and speak confidently to defend his words and opinions. See? That’s what Remus most admired about Sirius, he never cares what others say, he always does what he thinks is right. And that was the riskiest thing about him as well, because sometimes you need someone to help you see the right thing, though Sirius never seemed to believe in that. 

Remus went to his bed, closed his eyes and hopped his thoughts would let hem sleep

\---------------------------

“HELP!” Remus woke up hearing some noises from the next room, it took him a while to realize that it was Sirius’ voice. his heart shot upwards into his throat. He stood up and walked out quickly, his wand ready in his hand as he stepped into Sirius’ room, not even thinking about holding help first before stepping inside, he took a quick look around the room but found nothing, he watched over Sirius’ bed and found him laying there, sweating and struggling around, his body shaking “NO PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, NO”

“Sirius” Remus walked quickly towards Sirius’ bed “Sirius wake up you’re just having a night mare”

“NO, I won’t go there again, please don’t take me there, please… Remus don’t let them take me”

“Sirius” Remus felt sick, his own hand shaking as he shook Sirius to wake him up “Sirius you’re safe, open your eyes”

“NO THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING LET THEM GO”

“SIRIUS” Remus yelled louder this time, and Sirius opened his eyes, but as soon as his eyes were open, he started to move madly again 

“Let me ago! LET ME GO” he was struggling to free himself from Remus’ hand, his eyes looking frightened

Remus walked back quickly “Shhh Padfoot, it’s just me”

It took Sirius a few seconds to calm down, though he was still breathing loudly and fast, his shirt all wet from sweating

“R-Remus” he whispered “they were here- they here h-here”

“Sirius no one was here, it’s just you and me look”

“no,” Sirius was still shaking “no they found me, they were here Remus, and I- I couldn’t f-fight them, I had nothing to fight with”

“calm down, breath”

“but Remus”

“Hshhhh Sirius I assure you, no one’s here except us” 

they heard some footsteps from outside, Sirius looked scared at Remus

“go to children’s room Molly! I’ll take a look”

“it’s okay Sirius it’s just Arthur. You’re in Grimmauld place with me and other order members. Dumbledore is the secret keeper and this place is totally safe, you were just having a night mare, no one’s here for you”

Sirius paused and closed his eyes 

“don’t let them see me like this” his voice coming out like a whimper, Sirius begged, looking helplessly at Remus

Remus looked unsure of leaving Sirius but then nodded and walked out to explain to Arthur that nothing was happening   
Sirius tried to control his breathing, disgusted in himself for looking so devastated like this.

Remus remained silent when he walked inside again. He walked slowly towards Sirius, looking uncertain

Sirius didn’t look at him, he only looked down

“you don’t have to be ashamed” said Remus, reading his mind

Sirius let out a short bark laugh “I’m wasted”

“no you’re not”

“I am… those nightmares are going to haunt me to eternity”

“there must be a way, you didn’t have a nightmare last night”

Sirius shook his head

“do you want to talk about it?”

“talk about what Moony? Which part of it would you exactly want to hear?”

“I just want to help you pads, talking helps”

“no”

“you don’t have to do this alone… not anymore”

Sirius looked up, feeling angry, mostly at himself 

“fine, do you want me to talk about it? Yes?” he laughed nervously “fine I will talk about it. That’s what you want? Hmm? Is that what you want??? Where should I start, Remus? Which part do you think would help me if I talked about? Having nightmares about the things that has happened in the past or the things that might happen now as we are talking or in future? Should I tell you how they look like?” Sirius made a fist to stop his hands from shaking “I see myself standing in front of a cottage in Godric’s Hallow, I walk in. Do you want me to describe what I see? Or to describe how I feel? Which one is going to help me? Hmm Remus? You know what else I see? I see YOU! I hold-” in an attempt Sirius quickly grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him closer. Remus gasped, looking scared at Sirius’ cold eyes, but he didn’t try to release himself “-you and I kiss you, so hard that you beg me pull back for a second so you could breath and it feels good you know? It really does, knowing that I can still remember the taste” Remus swallowed, his hand still wrapped in Sirius’ so tightly, he thought there will be some bruises “I don’t get to enjoy it for such long though, do you know why? Do you know what happens next?”

“S-Sirius my hand-”

“one moment you’re there in my arms, your forehead touching mine, next moment you’re gone, I see you vanish in my hands, I feel scared, I call you, I CALL YOU, I hear no answers, so I call louder, I scream so hard I feel my throat burning, just before some slimy, scabbed hands wrap my mouth and I realize whom those hands belong, I want to scream, almost all my happiness fade away, I want to scream but I can’t, I can’t- and that is only one of them. sometimes in those dreams I forget who I am, I’m a stranger walking down the street, I don’t remember who I am, I don’t even bother to think of it but I get a sight, I feel that I’m being watched, I turn, I see a tall man who immediately turns his back to me and starts to walk, when I wake up I know it’s you, but in those dreams I follow the man and I will never reach to him, suddenly the crowded street becomes empty and it’s just me and him. I run, he walks slowly, but I never reach to him, I run faster and only get more distant. It is foggy and it’s dark, my knees can’t bear it anymore so I fall, and that’s when I wake up, knowing I have failed yet another try" Sirius paused, closing his eyes "And sometimes I’m in a car, driving, and I know something is extremely weird about it but still continue driving, I drive past a house, I brake and go back, I take a look at a house, it looks familiar, it is in all my dreams, but something is strange, it is night and there are no lights, I wonder why, I ask myself if I should take a look, I knock, no answer, I look through the lock set, nothing can’t be seen, I touch the doorknob, I realize”

Remus listened, he sat there, he looked at Sirius and listened, Sirius was still holding his hand, though he was no longer pressing it, Remus realized why, Sirius wanted to be sure Remus doesn’t get away from him like he does in the dreams

“it isn’t always that simple though, it isn’t always that peaceful. Sometimes I see Voldemort and a- a b-body l-laying there in front of him, though it isn’t like I’m there, it looks like I’m observing it from somewhere else. But I know who it is and I’m too weak to even cry or scream, I freeze up, I’m petrified, I don’t feel alive. And s-sometimes-” Sirius voice was breaking down “I’m in somewhere dark, completely dark and I see you on the floor, it looks like you’re sleeping, I call you, y-you d-don’t wake u-up-” 

“shhh it’s okay, look at me” Remus finally stopped him and released his hand to hold Sirius’ head with both hands “everything is going to be alright, you’ll see. Sirius I understand your fear, I too also fear, but you’re making it so hard on yourself-”

“I can’t bear to lose-”

“I know but destroying yourself isn’t the way. I know you can’t control your dreams, but you even make it hard for yourself when you’re awake, that way you’ll never find peace”

“peace was never my purpose”

“what is it then?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he smiled at Remus “why do you think I’m here in the order, after everything that it has taken away from me? What am I still avoiding to lose?”

“Harry is going to be alright, I promise you that” 

“how can you promise such thing?”

“Because, he has you and you’ll never let anything happen to him”

“but what if something happened to me?”

“what do you think I will do? Let them get him?”  
they both laughed shortly.   
Remus was relieved when he felt Sirius getting relaxed “and if anything happened to me, Sirius, Harry has these whole people looking after him, he will barely need us, like he barely needs us now”

“that’s not true”

“mentally yes, he needs you as his godfather, his only family”

“you’re also-”

“but when it comes to action, man! He is James and Lily’s son. He’ll one day get even better than us you’ll see. You won’t believe me when I tell you about the things Harry did in his first and second year. I was amazed when Dumbledore told me about it when I became a teacher and I saw his talent myself.”

Sirius smiled and nodded 

“Remus?” he said after a while

“Hmm?”

“there’s something left though”

Remus frowned “what?”

“Harry isn’t my only concern”

“I don’t understand?”

“you do” Sirius smiled, though he sounded hurt “you just don’t want to admit it” he waited for Remus to say something but after not hearing any words for few seconds, he stood up and walked to the closet taking out some clothes “I need a shower” he said, walking toward the door but then he stopped turning to see Remus who was still sitting on his bed “you were right Moony, talking did help… I guess, thank you?”

Remus was still looking down, but he nodded

Sirius started to walk but stopped again at the door, this time he wasn’t in Remus’ sight and maybe that was good 

“and Remus?”

“yes?” he heard his voice

“about what I said earlier-” Remus didn’t say anything but Sirius continued, knowing he was listening “I need you to promise something else”

“and what is that?”

“don’t die before I do” 

He closed the door before Remus could get a chance to say anything else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this long chapter (3321 words)   
and as always it would make me really happy if you wrote your opinion in comments :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing special happens in this chapter. it's more like a basis for what happens in next chapter (somethings that had to be done and said). Next chapter is going to be VERY angsty so enjoy the happy moment in the end of this chapter for now. it's not much because.. well you know me... and after happiness usually comes ANGST (no it's not the other way around). I will update the next one 'probably' on Friday!

As Sirius went to the kitchen the next morning, only Molly and the children were sitting there, though there was an owl on the table as well and Ron and Hermione were petting her. 

“she came earlier this morning” said Hermione pointing to Hedwig

Sirius nodded and sat uncomfortably on a chair next to the table, not even looking in Molly’s direction, embarrassed of what happened last night

“where is everyone?” 

“at work” Molly answered him

“Remus?”

“he went out earlier, said he has something important to do” 

Sirius could not thing of anything that was worth going out this early

“Sirius, we were thinking” Ron said “for Harry’s birthday. Hermione and I are going out today with mum, and thought we’d buy him something now, because we don’t get to go out a lot. Is there anything you want to get for him? We can get it for you”

“yeah sure, take as much as money as you need and buy him as many sweets a you can” Sirius said and both Ron and Hermione grinned “we don’t know what they give him eat to there” said Sirius quietly

“did Remus say what’s so important?” he asked Molly after

“no, not really. He didn’t tell you?”

Sirius shook his head

“Ron, go tell your brothers, they should clean their room to make enough place for Billy!”

“Billy?” Sirius whispered to Ron

“Bill, my brother. He’s coming here today” Ron said as he stood up and left

“So what did Harry say?” Sirius pointed to the letter

“oh” Hermione said “just asking the news”

“that’s all?” said Sirius disappointed

“yes, he literally wrote two lines” Hermione said and handed him the letter

‘I want to know the news, why doesn’t anyone care to tell me? When is “soon”?’ was all that was written large on the paper

“I feel really bad, Sirius”

Sirius sighed and put the letter back on the table

“I’ll send off Hedwig then” she said and also left the table, so it was only him and Molly left

Staring at the wall was definitely not the way to run from an awkward conversation and yet Sirius found himself doing it

“I’m frustrated after what happened last night” said Molly

Sirius swallowed

“I don’t know what to do now” she continued

“listen, I really appreciate if we don’t-” 

“I’m sorry that it had to happen exactly where you were”

“ehm- what?” Sirius looked confused

“the boggart, it came to your room and you didn’t have a wand to fight it, Remus told us”

“I- oh” Remus didn’t say anything about the nightmares, Sirius repeated to himself relieved, they don’t know about the nightmares, if Remus was there, he would give him a hug “yes I-”

“that’s a tragedy! What if it also happens in the children’s room, where they sleep! They are going to have to use magic to defend themselves and that will get them into trouble! It is a catastrophe!”

“uhm-”

“We must speed up our cleaning and we must be sure that all the sleeping rooms are safe”

“Yes Molly, that’s what we will do”

“And Sirius, is there anything you need?”

“I- erm” yeah freedom! And bunch of new clothes and shoes perhaps, but he wasn’t going to ask Molly to get those, he didn’t want to show off how much money he had, when Molly couldn’t afford so many things for themselves and wouldn’t accept any help either. He’ll probably ask Remus later “no, thanks” Sirius sighed “have fun”

Molly looked at him guiltily and left, Sirius heard her calling the children, and he stayed where he was until he heard them leaving, and so he was alone after some time.

He looked around, he didn’t like to be alone, he couldn’t bear it there alone, he felt like a child, feeling scared when he was left home alone for the first time. Ever since the Weasleys were here, it was never quiet and Sirius liked that, he liked to hear people and he enjoyed their company, even though they were not there for him, but Sirius appreciated that he wasn’t alone, it was easier with everyone else to be in this house. ‘they will come back in couple of hours’ he told himself. The other thing which helped him a lot when everyone else was around was the fact that he didn’t have to struggle and talk with himself, he hated doing it. He went to buckbeak’s room and fed him and stayed with him a little, it almost broke his heart how the hippogriff was looking so depressed

“I know, don’t look at me like that. you know there’s nothing I can do. I hate it as much as you do”

The hippogriff let out a noise and still ignored Sirius

“still mad at me, are you?” Sirius looked at him guiltily “I’m sorry buddy, if there was a way for you to go out there flying freely, I would let you, and I would come with you. Don’t think I go out and enjoy myself when I’m not here, I’m a prisoner too”

Of course Sirius could just leave now that no one was there to stop him, but if he wanted to take that risk, he would do it for something worthier. 

“No one’s home. We still have some of those ferrets that Hagrid brought you last night” Sirius said and gave buckbeak more food. 

“pfff” Sirius sighed and sat on the floor, looking at buckbeak, ripping his food, he sat there for a long time, when he finally stood up, he put a kiss on hippogriff’s beak and left the room, it made him even more depressed seeing the hippogriff like that

Sirius hesitated to go to his room but he found himself in Remus’ room a moment later. He sat on Remus’ bed for few minutes, looking bored at the wall. Remus’ suitcase in the corner of the room caught his attention, he probably shouldn’t have opened it and gone through it but he was Sirius and he couldn’t avoid his curiosity, especially when the boredom was killing him.  
He opened it, a warmth feeling overwhelmed his heart after he saw some old familiar stuff

Two, three sweaters that Sirius could recognize, and some old books that Remus used to read all the time. He opened those books, remembering that he and James used to write all different craps everywhere on it to bother Remus. Remus could have erased them with some spells maybe but Sirius figured he has kept them all, he opened a page randomly to see what was written there. He recognized his own handwriting on the top of the page

‘you know there’s something way more interesting than that book, sitting next to you’

He also found his own drawing of Remus, with glasses, looking like a nerd. They used to draw stuff on his book when Remus fell asleep on it

He went through some pages and saw James’ handwriting craving ‘James & Lily forever’ on so many pages, he remembered James’ reason when Remus asked him why

‘well, Moony there’s better chance for it to be permanent, even a tree has less chance to stay forever, I’m sure you’re gonna keep these safe’

He wasn’t wrong, Sirius smiled and felt his eyes getting wet

At some pages he found Lily’s handwriting, he never expected Lily to write anything on books, now he found some little hearts and little comments everywhere, and at the end of the book there was a little message to be seen 

‘dear Moony (yes I figured that’s what your friends call you because it’s written everywhere),

thank you for the book, I really loved it and I didn’t expect you to be so romantic, though what I found more interesting was the things your stupid friends wrote everywhere. Potter is a git, don’t be surprised if you found him hexed later. And please tell me you have noticed Black flirting with you everywhere with his little comments, you’re a one oblivious person if you did not. I hope he doesn’t see this, though I doubt he ever read a book

Lots of Love  
Your Lily  
P.s I just had the best idea for hexing Potter!

Sirius felt his tears coming down, as he was reading

Sirius put the books down and searched the suitcase again, he found a little box, however it was only small from outside, there were a lot of stuff in it, and Sirius made himself more comfortable on the floor to take a look of all stuff

He found so many chocolate boxes, most of them empty, there were so many birthday gifts and Sirius wondered if Remus has kept all the gifts he has got from his friends, his heart twisted and he wished he also had his own gifts, Sirius searched for the gifts he has got for Remus, he felt sick after he didn’t find any. He took everything out of box to find a little thing that Remus kept from him, nothing, not even a single Christmas present, he closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling

‘nothing, he kept nothing from me’

He found an envelope and opened it, there were some pictures in it, Sirius looked for pictures of both of them, he wasn’t surprised when he didn’t find any. Sirius was only in some group pics which Remus must have kept because of others

‘he threw it all away- all my memories. He got rid of our memories’ Sirius couldn’t stop the tears from falling down. He shouldn’t be angry at Remus. he probably would have done the same… or not? Sirius wasn’t sure

Still everything related to Sirius was gone as if he was forgotten and Sirius remembered that he was actually forgotten, Remus and Harry didn’t spend twelve years thinking about him like he did for them. they didn’t sleep every night thinking about how Sirius was living or feeling, though Sirius spent every day imagining what Harry looked like, imagining where Remus was or what he was doing. He never stopped loving them for once.

He was looking at those few pictures when he heard voices from outside, they must have come. He quickly started to pack things up and put them exactly where they were, then he headed out

“Sirius!” Mundungus yelled, as he saw Sirius. Sirius almost didn’t recognize him

“MUNDUNGUS?” Sirius raised an eye brow but then smirked “you son of a bitch” 

They both hugged and Remus who was standing behind him looked at them confused. 

“Shhh people keep it quiet!” Molly whispered

“I lost the first meeting” Mundungus said

“nah you didn’t lose anything. Did Dumbledore speak to you?”

“Yes, yes he did. I was down in the knockturn alley when I saw Lupin there-”

Sirius looked suspiciously at Remus, what the hell was he doing in the Knockturn alley?

“-followed by aurors” 

“You were followed by aurors?” Sirius almost yelled

“it’s not like I was doing anything, I was only walking down the diagon alley, when I felt two men were following me, I turned to knockturn alley, hopping they would stop following me-”

“yeah because that’s the safe place to go when you’re already being followed” Sirius shoot an angry look at Remus

“though they didn’t stop-”

“what a surprise”

Remus continued ignoring Sirius comments “only two other aurors appeared in front of me and started questioning me- apparently a werewolf can’t walk in a street freely anymore without being watched or getting arrested

“arrested?”

“only for asking questions, they arrest everyone who is suspicious. They pick people randomly and search them” Mundungus told them

“did they search you?” Sirius asked, Remus nodded

“did they find anything” Sirius asked wondering if Remus had anything to hide at all

Remus smiled and shook his head “if I were to hide anything Pads, they wouldn’t be able to find it easily” he winked, apparently Remus was in a good mood, despite being followed and insulted by the ministry

“we have to be more careful” Molly said worriedly

“you were also there?” Sirius asked

“no we bopped into each other after”

“why are they doing this? Has ministry become completely mad?” asked George

“they’ve always been stupid” said Sirius

“but they are attacking people’s privacy!” Hermione said angrily “what gives them the right?”

“Fudge” Remus said “don’t you see? They are not picking people randomly. a werewolf being followed by four aurors isn’t random. They have orders to watch special peoples, half breads are only one of them, I won’t be surprised if Fudge has even given them the order to watch the people who have a connection with Dumbledore- just like Sirius said, he is that stupid to think those people are a threat for him, besides, they keep everyone under watch who could possibly be in touch with Sirius-”

“Mate, how did they let you go again?” Fred said “a werewolf who is trusted by Dumbledore and who is known to be one of Sirius Black’s closest friends- you’re lucky”

Sirius looked concerned at Remus

“Lucky that Kingsley showed up, really”

“anyways, I should better off” said Mundungus 

“you’re staying until Dumbledore’s here and has given you your task” said Remus

“why don’t you tell me then?”

“oh because you are scared of Dumbledore and you’ll listen to him” answered Remus easily “besides, you won’t get bored. I’m sure there are a lot of things to do. Aren’t there Molly?” Remus smiled 

“well yes, yes, our work here is never going to end I assure you that”

Mundungus took an unpleasant look

“Sirius” Remus looked at him “come with me please” 

They both went upstairs

“yeah?” Sirius asked as they went inside the room

Remus turned back grinning

“I got you a gift”

“a gift?” Sirius looked confused “for what?” Sirius didn’t remember this day to be a special day

“no reasons, though don’t expect any birthday gifts after” Remus said jokingly 

Sirius felt the excitement in his heart, he hasn’t got any gifts in 13 years, it couldn’t be something special, it must have been a little thing, nothing too expensive, though it was special for Sirius

“okay close your eyes” 

“don’t be a child”

Remus glared at him

“fine” Sirius gave in, the corner of his lip turning up. He closed his eyes. Please let the surprise be a kiss, Sirius told himself knowing very well that it wasn’t

“open it” Remus said softly

Sirius opened his eyes and looked at the thing Remus was holding in his hand, it was a long thin box, Sirius felt breathless when he recognized what it was

“R-Remus” Sirius could barely talk

“don’t you want to try it?” he smiled 

“I-” Sirius was still looking shocked at Remus

“it’s not like the one you once had but it will work out”

“it’s perfect” Sirius said, like it was indeed the most perfect thing he’s ever seen

“well not perfect, the only way I could get it was lying to Ollivander that my own wand was broken, though he didn’t seem to be-”

He got interrupted when the other man jumped on him and made him almost fall down, Sirius’ hands were wrapped around his neck and after a moment Remus realized he hasn’t hugged him back yet, he put his free hand around Sirius’ waist as he was still holding Sirius’ wand with his other hand. After few seconds when it was becoming awkward Remus pulled back slowly

“sorry” Sirius said, still smiling at him softly

“come on then, give it a try”

“right, yes” Sirius took a breath, having the same feeling like he once had at ollivander’s when he was 11. and he finally owned a wand after 13 years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes Remus got the wand after Sirius told him that in his dreams he usually couldn't defense himself because he didn't have anything to fight with. I mean imagine it! most of the world trying to kill you and you don't have anything to help yourself with it. So yeah it meant A LOT to Sirius.


	15. Chapter 15

Having a wand gave Sirius the incentive he needed, he spent most of the time with Remus, dueling and practicing, and he had to admit that he was having some good times and sometimes he forgot where he was and that he was a prisoner in the house. Sirius figured that Remus was an excellent teacher, they spent most of times, practicing some new spells they have found in the black’s library, because even Remus and Sirius didn’t know all the spells that existed, and as much as they were both master at defense against the dark arts there were a lot of things they learnt about transfiguration in past days.

Sirius felt that Remus was taking it easy on him at first, knowing he must still think of the incident with the boggart. they found another boggart to practice with but when it changed to Remus and Harry’s dead body, Sirius found his own hand shaking again, Remus tried to whisper funny stuff in his ear that could help him fight his boggart, Sirius was angry with himself and wanted to hit himself for becoming so weak, though Remus whispering in his ear and his little touches on his hand or waist made him calm down every time. Was Remus doing it on purpose? Sirius on the other hand used it for his own good, Sirius Black was never known to ask for help, but he found himself at 35, asking Remus to help him sometimes with even little things, like the hand movement, although he could do it easily he sometimes let Remus show him, sometimes the space between them would become so little that they’d start to stare at each other’s lips and eyes, and as Sirius caught Remus doing it once, he was sure he wasn’t the only one. Though Remus always pulled back, Sirius tried to lean forward few times but Remus just walked away letting Sirius know what he was doing wrong or right with the spells, pretending nothing had happened and that was driving Sirius mad. spending most of the time alone with Remus might have been exactly what he wanted and he appreciated Remus using every opportunity to stay with him at home, though it was becoming harder and harder to forget what the two of them used to have and missed now. Remus must be able to control himself, after all, he wasn’t the one who hasn’t had sex for 13 years, but for Sirius, even looking at the sleepy Remus with his hair messed up would turn him on, he figured that Remus wouldn’t give in whatever shield he has built between him and Sirius, so it was useless to try and push him into something he must have not wanted. 

The other good part about being prisoner in the house instead of Azkaban was that, he could at least wank himself off, at Azkaban that was kind of an impossible thing. with dementors being around all the time, whatever the fantasy you have, would become a nightmare. Sirius had tried to find a way to do it but he could never bring himself to the satisfaction he needed. But now having a fantasy in the shower or at nights was possible, Sirius found himself daydreaming most of the time, and it happened mostly after Remus and him have had trainings. spending so much time alone with Remus and not doing anything with him required things afterwards. So maybe Sirius wasn’t allowed to kiss Remus’ lips and neck, maybe he wasn’t allowed to tear up his clothes and start kissing every inch of his body to show him how much he’s missed him, maybe he wasn’t allowed to suck him off and push his legs away from each other and put them around his waist, maybe he wasn’t allowed to fuck him until he has filled him up, but- but he was allowed to think about that all.

Everything else was like routine, there was always a discussion between Sirius and Snape during the meetings that the rest of the order tended to ignore, he was always pissed after the order meetings, especially when Remus also had to leave after. the reminder from Dumbledore of staying home and doing nothing made him even more angrier. 

The letters he has taken from Harry showed him that his godson has been really pissed at everyone, Sirius couldn’t understand why he was complaining, at least he had a better situation than his godfather, he could go outside, have a fresh air, and he’ll soon be with his friends at Hogwarts, it wasn’t like he was locked forever in a place he hated.

Sirius tried to learn making potions for Remus, so he won’t have to face Snape’s slimy face for every single full moon, though Remus was right, those materials were indeed expensive which wasn’t important for Sirius, the important thing was how to make them work the best, he wanted it to be perfection, without having to ask Snape, so when Remus wasn’t around, he spent his time, running away from Molly and from cleaning to figure out how.

Except for that, the only good thing he could get was his practices with Remus, he felt alive using magic, and his duel partner wouldn’t go down easily so they usually had the hell out of a duel, and end up sweating and laughing most of the time

“good job Lupin” 

“you too, Black”

Though when Sirius wined it was more like:

“Got you Lupin” 

“Fuck off Black”

Although it was technically Remus’ wand, Sirius could work with it like it was his own. Remus was relieved after seeing Sirius using it without a problem

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t get one like your old one” said Remus every time

“nah don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s more than fine” Sirius assured him after

The actual matter began when Remus came up with the idea that they should practice the patronus charm

“Moony, I don’t need it and I don’t have to practice for it”

“don’t need it?” Remus almost yelled “I can make you a list right now of all the reasons you need the patronus charm”

“I’m sure you can, but we are not going to do it anyways, besides what are you going to do, capture a dementor?”

“I’ll think something, come on Padfoot you finally handled the boggart, you could make it this time too. It’s the hardest with these two as with boggart you have to face your biggest fear and with patrnous charm you require a happy memory which can even come up with the dementors. But you can do it, I know you can”

“you think I’m going off with it because I can’t do it? You think I’m running from it?”

“well if not, show me your patronus”

Sirius knew well he couldn’t do it, well maybe once he was able to but now thinking about a happy memory without the bad ones covering it was almost impossible.

“it’s okay Sirius, most men can’t do it, but I know you can, like you could before, you just need a little practice like with the other spells, no one can manage this kind of charm straight after 13 years without magic” well not certainly the one who has spent that time in Azkaban around the dementors, Sirius thought and knew Remus thought about it too “but you can make it, Pads. At least try please, if anyone needs it the most, it is you”

Sirius gave in and nodded, knowing he would only make fun of himself even trying, as there was no single memory he could think of. He couldn’t even choose his reunion with Harry and Remus as a happy memory without the memory of letting them down, leaving them alone and disappointing them coming up. every happy memory of James and Lily would wash off as Sirius would immediately see their dead body, and their empty cold faces, losing their life, in front of him.

So Sirius spent the evening after that, thinking of a great memory and not being able to find any

“Remus?” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear at night, when he was long asleep and snoring

“hmm” Remus murmured, clearly unhappy that his sleep was bothered

“Can I stay here?”

“another nightmare?”

“no, I couldn’t sleep”

“well, I can” he said while his eyes were still closed

“pssst Remus”

“hmm?” another angry growl

“are you gonna stay awake with me or do I have to get you wet?”

“pour water at me and you wish the dementors had given you a kiss long time ago while they still had a chance”

“who said I was going to use any water?” Sirius smirked and changed immediately to padfoot

“don’t you dare” Remus opened an eye, though it was late, Padfoot already moved the blanket with his teeth, and start licking his face

“S-s-stop” Remus tried to push the black dog away, but it wasn’t easy, one harder push and Padfoot fell of the bed

“yes that what you deserved” Remus said wrapping the blanket and laying back again, tough the black dog jumped on him again

\-----------------------------

“I fucking hate you, you know that?” Remus said angrily, still not forgiving Sirius for waking him up, as he got himself a cup of coffee and sat on a chair in the kitchen

“yeah I fucking hate me too” Sirius sighed

“Sirius?”

“hmm?”

“that meant to be a fucking joke”

“well fucking say that then”

“okay, tell me what’s wrong”

“everything”

“well everything was wrong last night too, and your snores didn’t let me sleep, so what is keeping you up tonight?”

“My snores? Excuse me? I don’t even sleep well, let alone snoring! That was you snoring old man, it was too loud it even woke yourself up”

“I- your own snoring can't wake you up from sleep”

“have you heard yours?”

“I- we’re forgetting the actual matter- wait what do you mean you don’t sleep?”

“it means Remus, even if I be lucky and spend a night without nightmares, I can’t sleep deeply. I close my eyes but it doesn’t feel like falling into a deep peaceful sleep. Oh you have no idea how much I missed that, just sleeping and snoring and not being worried about anything but some stupid home works-”

“you were never worried about home works” Remus made a face

“even better- I- I just miss a proper sleep”

“do you want me to stupefy you?” Remus grinned, trying to change Sirius’ mood, knowing exactly that there wasn’t anything he could do to help Sirius, so better make him distracted and cheer him up a little, rather than grieving along with him

“you know actually that might not be a bad idea” 

“do you think it will change after this is all over? Saying everything ends up good-” Remus said after few moments

“Moony-”

“just saying”

Sirius sighed “I don’t know, honesty”

Remus nodded and said nothing for a while

“Is that all what kept you up tonight?”

“no” Sirius looked down, struggling with himself “I- today I tried to… I- I- I couldn’t find a happy memory”

“well that can’t be true” Remus looked confused “I mean, I myself can think of so many memories, you could use as your happiest memory”

Sirius shook his head

“what?” Remus asked confused

“if we want to do this I’m gonna need more drinks” Sirius stood up and took a bottle fire whiskey and two glasses from the cabinet. he had already drunk before going to Remus’ room.

“I- err, I don’t drink thanks” said Remus

After drinking in their first night at Grimmauld place, Remus succeeded to avoid drinking with Sirius, Sirius offered him most of the time when he was drinking, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to tell Sirius the reason why he shouldn’t drink. He didn’t want Sirius to know, mostly because he was afraid that Sirius would see this as his doing and blame himself for yet another thing. 

“why not?” Sirius sat back “come on there is no fun in drinking alone”

“we don’t want to have fun, otherwise I was still enjoying my nap”

“fair point”

“so tell me, what’s wrong with the happy memories?”

“tell me why you don’t drink”

“what? There is no reason” Remus let out a short laugh “just not in the mood”

“you know something, Remus?” Sirius said after a short pause “ever since we met again, I- I was always honest with you, was I not? I told you everything, I mean literally everything, because y-you’re my b-best friend and I know good not to hide anything from you, that is something, well the most important thing, I learnt from past. Come on” he made a bark like laugh “I even wake you at nights to speak to you-”

“so? I don’t have any problems with that” Remus raised his shoulders

“me neither, except” Sirius sighed “except, I’m the one who always talks” he said sadly “not to complain, I appreciate the way you always listen, but- but I need you to talk to me too, you need to talk to someone, even if you’re not comfortable talking with me…”

“is that what you think?”

“I don’t know- you’re always quiet, like you are forced to be here and only listen to me whining”

“no one’s forcing me to stay here”

“but you don’t look comfortable”

“nor do you”

“at least I tell you the reasons” Sirius paused “being friends is a two side thing, you help me, you listen to me… let me do that too”

Remus looked down, Sirius felt he was low-key shaking

“is that because you don’t trust me?” Sirius tried hard not to bring the conversation to this part and yet the words came out because he feared they might be true

“what? No” Remus looked up, his eyes were kind of red and looked tired “no Sirius it’s-”

“why then? You’re hiding things from me, I know you do. It is impossible, 13 years and not a damn thing went wrong that I should know about?!”

“what change is going to make?” Remus almost shouted

“Everything!” Sirius said in the same volume “don’t let me feel left out again, you know what it does to me! … I need you to let me in again. Remus building a wall between us, is not going to make things easier and less hurtful, talk to me… you said talking helps”

“you don’t understand” Remus’ voice was close to cracking down “I- I can’t” he looked down

“you’ve been holding things in yourself for a long time... talk to me babe”

“no I can’t” Remus shook his head, still looking down “I can’t, everything- I- it’s- too much- I can’t- talk- I can’t open that door”

Sirius stood up and walked towards Remus, he knelt in front of him and held Remus’ chin with one hand “why not?” he then looked at Remus’ lips because that was the only part he could focus on when he was this close “don’t push me away honey”

“STOP IT” Remus suddenly looked up angrily and left his sit “DON’T call me that” he said sickly 

Sirius also stood back on his feet and started walking closer to Remus. Remus stepped back until his back touched the wall behind him, Sirius on the other hand was so close to him that their bodies were nearly touching

“why not” he whispered softly as he slowly moved his hand around Remus’ waist, pulled him close and pressed his body to his own, Remus let out a gasp “but you’re my honey” Sirius was so close, Remus could feel his breath

“Sirius” Remus tried to push him back but Sirius only grabbed his hands and pushed them up to the wall

“you’ve always been” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear and felt his pants getting tight, the desire of touching Remus, being near to Remus was too much for him to control. he leaned forward again, but Remus just looked the other way so Sirius’ lips first met his jaw and then he started going down, hiding his face completely in Remus’ neck and pressing softly kisses on it

“S-Sirius” Remus moaned “s-stop”

Sirius bit his bottom lip and looked up, his eyes full of desire and his black hair falling down on his face, in another time Remus would easily fall into his knees if he saw Sirius like this 

“why?” Sirius pressed his forehead to Remus’ “am I not good for you anymore?”

Remus closed his eyes, Sirius continued

“Am I not good looking enough?” he smirked “or I’m not your type anymore?” 

Remus felt Sirius’ nose touching his “open your eyes” he whispered, almost in Remus’ mouth. “look at me” he said softly and Remus did

“what is it?” he asked “I tried and tried but couldn’t find any reasons why we shouldn’t belong to each other again”

A tear fell on Remus’ cheek and Sirius released his hands and wiped it with his thumb

“please say something” he begged

Remus wanted to tell him, he wanted to tell him he was afraid, wanted to tell him he was afraid to love him again, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of losing again, and if there was a person in the world who could hurt him the most, it was Sirius, only because he and only he could own Remus’ heart completely and Remus wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready to hand Sirius his already broken heart again, because if only, if only it were to be broken again, Remus couldn’t for sure make it. Remus wasn’t ready to fall in love again, when moving on almost brought him to death the first time, though again Sirius didn’t know that.

“I-”

“is there someone in your life?”

“no, you asked that before”

“SO WHY?” Sirius groaned, his eyes losing their glow and becoming cold “what do I have to do for you to love me again?”

“Nothing! Don’t you understand yet? I don’t want it! I don’t want your love and I certainly don’t want to fall in love with you again”

After that it all happened fast, Sirius pushing him hard to the wall behind him and hitting it with his fist, Remus seeing the blood on Sirius’ hand but not daring to do anything when he saw the cold eyes, and certainly not being able to stop him before he disappeared. he only hoped he hasn’t left the house.

Remus sank on the floor, feeling the tears falling down, the tears he had hold in himself for years, the tears for a man, he swore he wouldn’t cry for again. ’35-year-old men don’t cry’ he heard a voice inside his head ‘oh but they would if Sirius was the one they confronted’ he couldn’t stop the tears, he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking and he certainly couldn’t help himself from reaching out to the fire whiskey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling really insecure rn, I have lost so many readers. Is this becoming shit? :( or is it just because of school and tests?  
*sighs* anyways I'd really appreciate your feedback and comments <3  
.  
and N O  
IT IS A SLOW BURN AND WE'RE IN THE VERY BEGINNING s o  
OF COURSE THEY WEREN'T GOING TO KISS! duh


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god 16 chapters already! can't believe it! thank you all for reading this!!!

Remus:

The next three days past with Remus and Sirius avoiding each other the whole time. Remus only looked for him once, only to make sure he was there and he was safe, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if Sirius had left the house. he made sure Sirius wouldn’t see him, he wasn’t ready to face him yet! He wasn’t sure if he could ever face him again he thought about leaving the house, but he had nowhere else to live… maybe it was a bad idea to move in with Sirius.

Remus knew he shouldn’t break. he knew he shouldn’t let the tears fall. He’d found a way, long time ago, when the world, his world, fell into pieces, he found a way to hunt down his demons, the same demons that Sirius was having at nights, he tried to lock things up, everything, all the bad things that have ever happened to him, all the bad things he’s done, all the horrible memories, tortures, lies, cries, all the pain, he hid them all behind a door, locked them there and that door was never meant to be open. Every bad thing has found its way through that door and locking them up was Remus’ way to survive. 

ever since that night Remus was having nightmares and he wondered if that door has been opened. Besides that, he spent the most of the day thinking and drinking. He sometimes had dreams at nights which left him longing and having lust after waking up. He wasn’t sure why he had those dreams. Most of the time in those dreams Sirius didn’t stop kissing or touching him the way he did that night. Remus tried to convince himself that this was all happening because he was feeling guilty. 

Maybe he should at least leave for few days, he could go to Kingsley’s. Kingsley has become a really good friend to Remus since few weeks now, they got along well and could always have an interesting conversation. Remus enjoyed having some friends. he tried most of the time to talk to the new order members and he was relieved that they also talked to him comfortably despite knowing the fact that he was a werewolf, not that he couldn’t make friends before but this time was different, the whole magic world was against him because of ministry’s words. 

Sirius, well Sirius on the other hand kept distance, not that he wasn’t friendly to anyone, he talked, he laughed, mostly faked, though Remus wasn’t sure if anyone except him realized that, he listened to others and answered shortly to their questions, he never spoke important words to anyone, just spoke when he was asked to. He looked unpleasant at Remus every time he saw him getting too friendly with Kingsley, Bill, Tonks or anyone else, at first Remus thought it was because Sirius didn’t want to be close to new people and be friends with them because of obvious reasons but now he wasn’t sure that was all… the only person Sirius talked to a lot besides Remus, was Mundungus. Remus never liked that guy but it seemed that he and Sirius were good friends and Remus hated that, not because he was jealous pfff course NOT! He only believed that for someone who is keeping distance to everyone and is not willing to trust new people, trusting Mundungus is a clear mistake. He found them sometimes whispering at each other and when Remus asked Sirius about the whole thing, he said he was only asking Mundungus about Harry. Remus didn’t believe that's all but he didn’t tease him either.

Anyways, it would probably be good for Sirius as well, if Remus just left the house for few days. he didn’t leave his room often after that night so maybe if Remus wasn’t around Sirius would go somewhere else besides his room. it’s been three days and there’s been no progress so Remus finally decided to leave. He sent a patronus to Kingsley, packed his stuff, which weren’t a lot, and he went downstairs

\-----------------------------

Sirius: 

Sirius spent the days (and nights) regretting what he did that night. He had waken Remus up only to speak about the things which were bothering him for weeks! Having troubles with casting the patronus charm wasn’t even his main problem, to be honest he didn’t even really care, that was only a way to get Remus to talk. He hadn’t figured Remus avoiding to drink till that night but maybe that wasn’t important, maybe he really wasn’t in the mood to drink. The thing which was annoying him was Remus, not telling him the truth about what truly happened to him during the first war with werewolves. He was certain that something horrible must have happened otherwise Remus would’ve told him right? Asking and begging McGonagall for an answer hasn’t been successful either.

‘I am not in the position to tell you this Sirius, it’s Remus’ secret and only he decides if it should be said’

So he tried to come up with an idea to ask Remus but he fucked up. He got too emotional and screwed everything. He probably shouldn’t have drunk before going to Remus. Even in his right mind it was hard for him to control himself. So when Remus with his messy hair falling on his forehead, looking absolute adorable, sat in front of him, he kind of forgot everything in that moment and just thought about snogging him senselessly, he probably would have done it if he’d been even drunker and it wouldn’t have ended with only snogging, no Sirius would have made things go further, Sirius certainly wanted to make things go further and in his defense he really couldn’t help it. Luckily he stopped, he stopped things from getting even worse and yet he spent 3 days without seeing Remus or talking to him so maybe he actually didn’t stop anything. He stopped that night knowing that pushing Remus would only cause the opposite of what he wanted. maybe he stopped too late, maybe Remus was gone for sure, maybe the two of them could never belong to each other again.

Sirius had promised himself before not to push Remus, not to ask him more, not to cause any troubles, only because he couldn’t bear it without him and again he messed up. Sirius couldn’t even remember a time when he did something without messing up. What horrible thing has he done in his life to deserve such thing?

It’s been 3 days and Sirius has been missing him already, but it was too soon to face him yet. He didn’t want to push Remus any longer and honestly he wasn’t sure what he should say at all.

He went out to get himself some food, most of the people were already at the table, the atmosphere of the house has become awkward lately, everyone seemed to know something was wrong but no one dared to ask.

He was in the kitchen, when he heard some footsteps, someone was walking hastily to the kitchen

“Arthur!” Molly said, sounding scared “what's wrong?”

“Sirius!” he said, sweating on his forehead “it’s Harry!”

Sirius felt his heart sinking, in one second every possible bad thing went through his head

“dad? What happened?” Ron asked

“it’s been an attack! The dementors in privet drive! Don’t worry Harry is fine” Arthur immediately said when he saw Sirius’ complete blank face “he fought them”

“he fought them?” Hermione yelled “I thought order’s members have been watching him” she glared at Sirius

“what does the ministry say?” Sirius kept everything he had in control to speak out calmly

“they’ve expelled him of course”

“THEY DID WHAT?” everyone at the table shouted

“Dumbledore is fixing the problem” Arthur said, looking worried at Sirius “you must write to Harry! I also wrote to him but I’m not sure he’d listen!”

Sirius nodded and headed out quickly but when he was at the door frame, he saw Remus walking downstairs with a bag in his hand. Remus stopped on the last two stairs when he saw Sirius’ pale face

Sirius took a look on Remus and then on the bag and then looked up at Remus again

“I-” Remus said panicky

“I don’t care” Sirius sniffed and passed by him as quickly as possible


	17. Chapter 17

After hearing about the incident which happened to Harry, Remus realized that him leaving was a childish decision. He’d decided to stay here to be close to everything, to be able to be there for Sirius and Harry. What kind of a friend would he be if he just left? He searched for an excuse while he was running upstairs to Sirius’s room, Sirius saw him, he saw him leaving, what could he possibly say? Even if Sirius didn’t care about him leaving, it was not the right thing to do, to leave Sirius like that when he needed him the most? (at this point he remembered that he actually hasn’t been much of a help or comfort) he could hear James questioning his inner Gryffindor. feeling how James would be disappointed made his stomach twist even more. If he was there, he could help Sirius, he could make him be the same Sirius again, he was the friend Sirius needed and Remus was clearly not a good replacement, or a friend, even Harry who has just met his godfather for a short time was a better comfort for Sirius than Remus who has known him since they were eleven. He prepared himself for yet another fight as he knocked on the door, but this time he was going to face it like a 35-year-old man. he opened the door and walked in.

“you know I might accept that drink now” 

Sirius who was standing with his back to Remus and was struggling to open the whiskey bottle with his hands shaking, suddenly jumped on his place. 

“sorry” Remus giggled and apologized for scaring him off “I knocked you didn’t answer”

Sirius turned around, looking surprised to see Remus. he looked at him for few seconds which made Remus feeling awkward standing there. he took a whole look on him before sniffing (again) and sitting on his black leather sofa. Remus stood there uncomfortably, remembering that he hasn’t actually prepared anything to say. Was that it? Should he leave the room now? Did Sirius want him to go?

Sirius answered that with lifting the fire whiskey in his hand and offering it to Remus. Remus shook his head but his lips turned up a little and he walked slowly towards Sirius. 

“did you write to Harry?” he asked

Sirius nodded

“Arthur said there will be a hearing, so no need to be so worried, everything will probably be fine”

“why are you still here?” Sirius who was looking down turned his face to Remus

“I-” Remus thought about lying to him that he didn’t want to leave, though it was obvious “I- I just thought that it would make things- I thought it’s better if-”

“why? Because leaving is your answer to everything?”

“no- I just-”

“answer the question why are you here?” 

The honest question was that if it wasn’t for what he heard about Harry, he was long gone

“because you’re right, because I realized that leaving won’t fix anything”

Remus waited for Sirius to answer

“kind of late to realize that don’t you think?” Remus didn’t answer “and where did you plan to go? Were you even going to tell me?”

“to Kingsley’s place-”

“Shacklebolt?” said Sirius sharply “when did you two become a thing?”

“he’s a nice guy and a good friend-” said Remus, ignoring Sirius’s reproachful voice “-which you would’ve realized if you’d spent more time with him or any other members”

“what are you talking about? I’m basically living with them and talking with all of them every day”

“it wouldn’t do you any harm to talk about other things than order’s stuff too”

“so what?” Sirius made his usual bark like laugh “the closer I get the more vulnerable I become. I suggest you do the same”

“so never let anyone into our lives and never trust anyone because of what happened?”

“I thought you did that all these years. What changed your mind?”

“you did! When I finally learnt to trust you again I realized how good it felt to know that I’m not by myself”

This wasn’t the conversation Remus expected before coming in Sirius’s bedroom. not that he wasn’t glad that Sirius hasn’t mentioned anything about that night yet, Remus wasn’t willing to talk about it either. I mean they had to talk about it eventually after all if it hadn’t been important they wouldn’t have avoided each other all long, but it can be delayed unless-

“it’s amusing how you talk about trusting without being able to share and discuss the little things with me” Sirius sneered “it seems you’re by yourself after all”

“I just don’t want to open the old wounds but if it’s really that important to you-”

“YES!” shouted Sirius “what if you didn’t heal those wounds and only made more damage to yourself to cover them up?”

There was a long painful pause before Remus answered, Sirius moved slowly towards Remus without him noticing, though the only thing he did was putting a hand on his shoulder as Remus looked at the floor like he was studying it

“you really think so?” Remus asked with his voice cracking up a little

“I know so!” said Sirius with a softer voice than before “because I know you” Sirius continued patting Remus on the shoulder, stroking the back of his neck with a finger “I know you don’t like to be pushed but sometimes, I feel, that’s exactly what you need”

Remus nodded, still looking down

“and with pushing I don’t mean the part where I-”

“I know” Remus’s voice was convincing enough

“I’m sorry”

“it’s okay”

“and if it wasn’t you’d tell me?” Sirius asked unsure

Remus nodded again

“and if you don’t want to talk today, I understand, it’s been a hard day already, we can-”

“no, it’s alright, you’re right-”

“do you need a drink to start?”

“actually I should stop drinking before it get out of my hand again and I think you should stop too, seeing that you’re going the path I went” 

“What?”

“you’re using alcohol to facilitate your problems, you’re drinking every day, in mornings, at nights, don’t think I haven’t noticed that”

“no, go back to the part where you said ‘again’”

“I-" Remus's voice got unsteady again "I may have taken it a little bit harder than what you expected to get through everything after-”

“oh moony” Sirius growled

“I guess I didn’t move on easily like you thought I did”

“oh moons” Sirius sighed heavier and covered his eyes with his hand “are you still-”

“no it took me some time … but I quit”

“it’s all my fault, I did this to you”

“NO! you see?! That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you!”

Sirius’s face was still hidden in his hand

“look at me” Remus took Sirius’s wrist and lowered his hand “I’m fine it’s over now and I wouldn’t have mentioned it if you hadn’t insisted”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT! Alcoholism leaves a lifetime affect. You can’t be fine!”

“oh good you know that and you still drink?”

“don’t pick on me”

“Sirius!” Ron burst inside the room “p-professor” he looked guiltily at Remus for interrupting them as Remus frowned at him

“well go on” said Sirius

“Dumbledore! He’s here! I swear I’ve never seen him so mad! He is literally yelling and he woke your mother up, Mom’s struggling to shut her-” before Ron could finish, both Sirius and Remus walked by him and went down stairs quickly

“What’s your plan old man?” though he couldn’t see, Sirius felt Remus’s gaze behind his neck as he called Dumbledore old man

“USE YOUR LOAF MUNDUNGUS! WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING?” Dumbledore, clearly, didn’t see Remus and Sirius coming. Mundungus’s eyebrows were pulled together, he was mumbling words, which no one could understand, as he walked away from Dumbledore, looking pale and scared 

“how was I supposed to know?” he cried

“YOUR ONLY JOB WAS TO STAY WHERE I PUT YOU!”

Remus on the other hand, looked like he was blaming Sirius for that as he glared again at him. 

“what?” Sirius mouthed to Remus and raised his shoulders

“REMUS” Dumbledore suddenly shouted

“Yes” Remus almost immediately jumped

“we will have to transfer the boy soon” Dumbledore tried to talk calmer “the other side figures we do that, as the matter of fact, I think that’s what they have planned for”

“you think it was ‘you know who’ who sent the dementors?” Bill asked

“I don’t see anyone else with a motive for doing that”

“what if they were there for Sirius?” Remus asked “it’s not the first time the ministry suspects Sirius for coming close to Harry”

“well the problem is the ministry had no idea about dementors visiting the privet drive. They wouldn’t believe it”

“what if it’s actually their plan to fire Harry?” Sirius asked

“not that it won’t please them. but it didn’t look like they really knew anything about it. Besides, there were plenty better things they could do to fire Harry than sending dementors. The ministry wouldn’t do anything against his reputation. Dementors attacking a student? Certainly not! Anyways as I was saying, Voldemort and his followers will know we’re moving the boy. Voldemort might as well send some death eaters to privet drive just waiting for Harry to leave the house. Kingsley and Tonks are already there, though they can only use the cover of night, we don’t want ministry to know about them two, that’s why Remus, I’ve spoken to Alastor, you and him will take the watch during the day light-”

“I will go with them too” Sirius said

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?” Dumbledore raised his voice again “or do you really miss your old cell at Azkaban”

“it is the safety of my godson you’re talking about and you expect me to sit back?”

“I think Harry would want to be able to see his godfather safe and alive at this house, WHERE HE SHOULD BE!”

“WELL THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT BUT I THINK HARRY’S SAFETY IS MY PRIORTY!”

“SIRIUS” said Remus loudly, drawing attention to himself “I think-” it was hard saying the words when Sirius was looking at him with the ‘not you too’ eyes “I think you should leave this to me… and others. We’ll do everything to make sure nothing bad happens. Tonks and Kingsley are great Aurors and Mad-Eye… well he’s Mad-Eye and I-” Remus paused “and I need you to trust me on this okay?” 

Sirius looked defeated, he didn’t protest though he wasn’t happy

“it’s for your own good” said Dumbledore. Everyone else in the room remained silent. Mundungus, using the best of the situation, was sitting at the table, eating a pie that Molly made for the children earlier.  
The silent was broken as soon as Molly saw Mundungus finishing the half of the plate “That’s not all for you, you know? how do you still have the nerve to stay here?”

“yes Dung!” said George jokingly “what am I supposed to eat now!?”

Soon everyone joined the table

“I suppose I won’t be there at the night of the transfer?” Sirius asked upset.

Dumbledore looked pitiful at Sirius, his eyes then wondered meaningfully on Remus as he left to talk with Arthur who was also wondering why he couldn’t be part of the mission. Remus sometimes forgot that Dumbledore was one of the few people who knew about him and Sirius. Him asking Remus to stay here and watch Sirius was probably because he still believed that Remus could make any effect on Sirius one or another way. 

“don’t look so sad. It’s not like it’s the end of the world… yet” Remus walked closer to Sirius “you trust me with this don’t you?”

Sirius nodded

“so what’s now?”

“it’s just now I have two people to be worried about while sitting on my bed drinking my black coffee”

“you drink your coffee with sugar and milk plus you don’t have to be worried about me. I’m a way better fighter than you are”

“says who?”

“our practices and duels”

“just because I let you win sometimes-” Sirius smirked “- doesn’t mean you’re better than me”

Remus smiled “seriously Pads, I think I’ll be fine”

Sirius only looked down

“are you hungry?” Remus asked

“nah just gonna go to my room. I just have to ask Dung something first”

“Seriously? After what happened? I don’t get it? Why do you always have to talk with him privately!? And don’t lie to me you don’t. I’ve seen you two sneak-”

“Hushhh everyone’s looking-”

“I don’t understand why you ain't mad at him like everyone else”

“oh I am mad at him okay?” Sirius spoke quietly “and I’m gonna throw a perfect punch right in his nose as soon as I get what I want from him”

Remus looked confused “what is that you want from that thief that no one else can provide-” Remus’s eyes suddenly widened as it finally hit him “turn out your pockets”

“WHAT?”

“TURN… OUT… YOUR… POCKETS”  
“Hushhh shhh just shut up” Sirius said angrily as he looked around to see if anyone was watching them. he grabbed Remus’s sleeve after that and dragged him outside into the hallway with himself “you’re acting ridiculously-”

“I SAID TUR-”

“FINE, FINE!!” he put his hands aggressively in his pocket and took out some cash “is that what you wanted to see?”

“hmm let me think” Remus said sharply “what could you possibly ask from Fletcher that would cost that much money… from that corrupt, profligate, unrestrained thief… hmm I wonder what that could be? Surely nothing illegal… surely no drugs”

“DON’T BE A FOOL”

“empty your other pocket”

“Remus”

“DO IT”

“ALRIGHT FINE! It’s true, are you happy now?”


	18. Chapter 18

Sirius couldn’t read Remus’s expression. He was sad, angry, concerned, disappointed, shocked and he looked definitely miserable.

“I can’t believe it” said Remus sickened

“please don’t make such a big deal out of it. It’s not like what you think… I only use a little, just so I can keep it cool and- Remus- I- okay let’s be honest- I can’t keep my mind straight and I’ve been feeling so strange lately- like I don’t- like I don’t belong here... I feel such a mess... I just can’t... everything hurts-”

“you know everyone’s telling me you’ve become insane and reckless lately” said Remus, apparently not listening to a word Sirius said “I’ve been trying hard to prove them wrong… guess I was the one who was wrong all along”

Sometimes Sirius felt that Remus forgets how much the words can hurt.

“Re”

“you’ve gone so far this time… drugs? I mean Sirius DRUGS?”

“how about you yell that out a little louder… I think there is someone’s portrait on the wall who would love to hear that”

“AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T FEEL BELONGED? Everyone has treated you nicely ever since they came to this house-”

“have they?”

“-and YOU SIR have shown no respects to anyone. WELL GUESS WHAT SIRIUS? it isn’t their responsibility to be polite to you, they don’t have to make you your dinner and lunch, they don’t have to be your friend when you don’t even try to be theirs”

“so you feel like it’s your responsibility to stay here and be nice to me?” 

“oh no, no, no” Remus laughed shortly “I, Sirius Black, am already the only friend you have, this isn’t about me. It’s about you building a wall around yourself and not letting anyone in-”

“I let you in” Sirius murmured quietly

“and while you’re there between the walls, you whine about being alone and helpless… well look around Sirius, people have been trying to help you. You just picked the wrong guy-”

“I appreciate you struggling hard to save me-”

“I’m not talking about me”

“you are! Remus Lupin, always talking about ‘them’ while he repetitively means himself- I know you! And I’m sorry if me taking drugs means to you that you’ve failed being my ‘only friend’ and I’m sorry if I built a wall around myself and don’t want to let anyone else except you or Harry in. I’m sorry that my behavior is such a disappointed, I’M SORRY that I wasn’t, that I’M NOT as TOUGH as YOU expected me to be, I’m sorry that all I’ve ever done was letting you down. GUESS WHAT moony? I knew that using drugs and being an addict would disappoint you and yet I fucking did it because I’m a fucking bullshit who hasn’t done ANYTHING in his life than disappointing people. And I’m sorry that you’re here despite all of that, I’m sorry that YOU TOO have only one pathetic friend in your life who hasn’t done anything but hurting you and making you an alcoholic alone man whom GOD KNOWS what happened to when he got rejected from that pitiful friend who loved him SO MUCH but was so stupid and blind and couldn’t see a thing that was going on until it was too late and he started regretting it ever since. And you stand here judging me about building a wall around myself while YOU TOO are still hiding what truly happened to you when you were spying and living along those werewolves in the time when your stupid boyfriend was sitting home thinking he’s the one saving people, that he’s saving his friends while the only one who survived was actually the one he pushed away and I’m starting to realize that if you hadn’t been away, I probably would have got you killed too” Sirius paused “I’m sorry that I killed our dreams” there were tears in his eyes which he couldn’t let fall now so he continued with a shaky voice “and I’m sorry that I need drug to live with the fact that I destroyed a boy’s wonderful happy life in his sweet warm home in the arms of his lovable caring parents, which were the best parents anyone could ask for, while the only thing I did for him in return was giving him a firebolt-”

“stop this! stop regretting the past and start thinking about future. You won’t succeed until you start from new”

“I CAN’T, if I could stop thinking about the past I would have, I can’t forget it! even though I want to start a new life it just doesn't work and honestly Remus I don’t think this new life would be any better than the last one. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between and I don’t know what to do…”

“well I know that saying the stuff that I said before won’t help you. We’ve talked about this before, I told you that Harry, your godson, who terribly loves you may I add, is not blaming you for his parents’ death, all he wants is for you, his godfather and only family, to be there, he doesn’t want you to be perfect, he doesn’t want you to feel guilty because of your mistake, he only wants you to be there and you” Remus said and pointed his finger at Sirius “you owe him that, you owe him like you owe no one else, you owe him to fix whatever shit you’re going into because this isn’t about you or me anymore! you’re gonna come to your right mind and stop this and try dammit. You’re whining that you couldn’t do much for Harry? Well this is your chance to give him that sweet warm home you’ve talked about, hell who knows how the hearing will go he might as well have to live here with you and he doesn’t deserve this” Remus looked disgusted at him while he took Sirius by collar “this isn’t the side of you that you want to show to Harry, BELIEVE ME, I know how it will break his heart”

“you’re right he deserves much more than I can ever offer”

“no, the Sirius I know could do much better than this you just have to find yourself and I’m gonna help you because you’re right YOU ARE THE ONLY ‘PATHETIC’ FRIEND I HAVE and I don’t want to lose that to bunch of drugs. Besides, I know how hard it is to find yourself back when you’re down in the dumps. Lucky you, you don’t have to do this alone”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're going back to 1981 :)

July 3, 1981

It was raining and he was completely wet when he arrived to their little flat. they had decided to rent a small one for a better hiding place and better chances for protecting charms, though of course Sirius didn’t usually ask for Remus to pay his half but this time Remus saved enough money to pay for the last two months, he already owned Sirius a lot. 

“hey” he said softly as he walked in the room, they kept the place usually dark, both him and Sirius liked it that way

“you’re late” said Sirius, walking in the hallway

“I know, I had to work a little bit longer, the bar was full today and I-”

“I hate your boss”

“I know but I need the job” Remus took the cash out of his pocket and placed it on the drawer “it’s not much but with the money from the last three months I can pay for my half for the last two months… which is not much considering that we’re living here for almost a year” Remus looked ashamed

“hey I don’t want you to be worried about it” said Sirius as he pulled Remus closer to himself

“my clothes are wet”

“don’t care” Sirius pressed his lips to Remus's and started to kiss him, Remus moaned as Sirius shoved his tongue in and he remembered that it’s been a long time since the last time the two of them were alone together, they both were usually busy with their jobs and order missions and they oft found each other sleeping as one of them came home later, so Remus pulled Sirius even closer and wrapped his hand around his neck and as he did Sirius’s hand slowly moved under his clothes and touched his skin which made Remus shiver a little. as Sirius moved his hip forward and Remus felt him hard in his jeans they finally broke the kiss. 

“you’re right, your clothes are indeed bothering me we should get rid of them”

“hmm your clothes got wet too”

“shoot, I prepared dinner for you with wine, this wasn’t supposed to happen now… so what do you say? How about we stop this here, have a romantic dinner, get a little warm and continue this on our bed?”

“or we can take this to the bed now and eat later?”

“I like that way more” Sirius smirked and leaned forward for another kiss

July 4, 1981

“so how did the big night go?” asked James as he walked in the living room with two beers

“fine” said Sirius indifferent

“just fine?” James raised an eyebrow “go on”

“fine, we had sex… a lot”

“no eww I don’t wanna know about you and Rem having sex. I meant your plan! To make Remus open up for you more? You kept talking about him keeping distance so what did you two speak about last night?”

“told you, there was less talking and more fucking”

“huh” James pulled his eyebrows together and looked confused “okay I don’t believe I’m asking this but how was the sex?”

“what do you mean?”

“was it like always or you felt differences there as well?”

“it was… more tense” Sirius said “I just, I miss the old times. I think we, all of us, should spend more times together. I feel like we have split up. Re doesn’t talk to me like he used to do, he hides his feelings and expressions, it’s usually like his mind is somewhere else”

“can you blame him? man, you should respect his privacy, it’s not like you tell him everything! We all have stuff for ourselves. You should leave moony in peace, he’ll come around by himself”

“hey guys what you doing” said Peter with a smiley face as he walked out from the kitchen “prongs, your wife is experiencing stuff on moony again”

“ah doesn’t he love that?” Sirius laughed

“god what did she cook this time?” James asked

“you don’t wanna know” Peter laughed and sat next to them

“we should check on moony later” said James “make sure he’s alive”

“you should tell Lils eventually that she’s a terrible cooker” said Sirius

“I will when I’m sick of my life”

“somebody’s afraid of her” Peter laughed

“you know what? I dare you two to do it”

“I’m not the father of her son!” Sirius said “she can actually kill me”  
…

“so James told me Sirius had this romantic night planned for both of you! How are the things going?” said Lily as she shoved a spoon of her made up soup in Remus’s mouth “don’t worry my sweet little puppy” she turned to almost one-year-old Harry who was playing on Remus’s lap “you’re next”

“not sure that’s the right way to talk to a baby. I’d be scared to death if a crazy lady stood above my neck and threatened me with a salty hot poison”

“is it that bad?”

“which one? Your cooking or parenting?”

That cost Remus a punch on his shoulder

“just kidding” Remus laughed “you’re a wonderful mom who knows very well when to change her baby”

“of course” Lily smiled proudly “we changed his diaper this morning”

“due to the fact that we’re preparing dinner now, you probably should do it again. I hate the smell”

“if you hate it that much YOU CHANGE IT!”

“I CAN’T CHANGE A BABY!”

“argh just go to James he’s the expert”

“please tell me you know how to change your baby”

“of course”

“oh my god you can’t! how come I never noticed this before?”

“well it’s just James is the one who always does it”

“you mean you force him to do it?”

“what do you think I am?”

“pure evil” 

“well that’s true but it’s not like I’m doing nothing! I play with him, I wash him, I read stories for him, I cook for him! and man I’ve been feeding him with my boobs I deserve to stay away from the poops!”

“good rhyme”

“nailed it”  
they high-fived

“but still you have to do it one day!”

“fine after I finished learning cooking I will learn that too”

“by that time he doesn’t need changing”

That caused him another punch

“then I’ll learn it for the next one”

“wow you have another one planned?”

“not for now silly, but of course! This one is going to become the second James I already can see it and I’ll need a second Lily for beating them up, girls against the boys, Pads will join James for sure and you, you are team Lily” she smiled

“you forgot I have a penis?”

“p-penis”

“Harry NO” Lily growled

“p-penis” Harry started moving his hands up and down joyfully once he realized he had his mother’s attention “p-p-penis”

“FIX THIS!” Lily ordered 

“okay! Stop freaking out! Harry look at uncle moony, if you say this word Santa won’t bring you any Christmas presents”

“Remus he’s one! He doesn’t know Santa”

“well what am I supposed to say?”

“just distract him so he stops saying that word”

“okay! Harry look at me, who am I huh? Say moony, say moony”

“moomy penis”

“he meant mommy” said Remus as he handed Harry to Lily 

“so here it is my little boy” said Sirius as walked in the kitchen and kissed Harry’s cheek “oh he stinks”

“here, all for you... take him...now get him out of the kitchen” she pushed Sirius out

“but I wanted chips”

“so tell me everything about last night” said Lily as Sirius walked out

“you mean literally?”

“everything that doesn’t include any penis”

July 7, 1981

It was almost 1 a.m. when Remus finally finished the tables

“hey kid make sure you be here tomorrow at 8 in the morning”

he hated when his boss called him ‘kid’ 

“but sir my shift starts at 6 p.m.” said Remus exhausted, the full moon was close and Remus was in no mood to work the whole day

“wow you look like shit” he said as he looked at Remus “see you tomorrow kid”

Remus sighed as he walked out the restaurant and closed the door with his shaky hands, as he turned around he saw a figure standing not far away from him. his blood running cold, he reached for his wand that was in his pocket

“I thought I told everyone not to sneak around alone, especially at nights” 

Remus heard the calm voice of Albus Dumbledore walking in the light for Remus to see him, though Remus didn’t stop pointing his wand at him

“you shouldn’t be alone at this time Remus”

“when was the last meeting?” said Remus minatory 

“it was a week ago, put your wand down. I’m here to discuss an important matter"

“why now?” 

“because I got you alone”

“don’t you want to test me, to make sure it’s me?”

“I’ve been watching you for hours”

“why?”

“make sure the area is safe enough and that your friends wouldn’t suddenly show up” he patted Remus on the shoulder and started to walk “also I’ve been struggling with myself to ask you something, not sure if to call it a favor”

“what is it?” 

Dumbledore’s hand was still on Remus’s shoulder, as Remus looked at him he realized that Dumbledore’s face has also changed like everyone else he knew, that’s why Remus often avoided to look at Dumbledore, he didn’t want to know that Dumbledore too was hapless and scared, this time there was a sorrow in his eyes

“how long have I known you now? Ten years almost?”

“yes sir” Remus nodded “is everything alright?” stupid question of course it wasn’t

Dumbledore sat on a bench, followed by Remus who was feeling anxious

“I remember coming to your home... how your parents panicked when they found out I knew about your condition” he smiled “you were a sweet child, remember you offered me to play with your toys?” 

Remus laughed, he remembered being so embarrassed after hearing from his parents that the man was the headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, of course he’d heard the name from his father but he had never seen him before he came to their house and played awhile with Remus, in his defense Remus was locked up in the house and wasn’t allowed to go outside and play with other children he didn’t have any friends. Lyall and Hope Lupin didn’t usually invite their friends over either because they feared someone might find out Remus’s secret so the old man’s company was really a joy for Remus and he did indeed offer him all the toys he had. that night was one of the best nights in his life, when Dumbledore told his parents that he was welcomed in Hogwarts, everything in his life changed. Everything he had today was because of Dumbledore, his friends, his life, he could never forget that

“I recognized your talent and courage that night, I knew that I could count on you one day. You have a great heart and with your intelligence and strength, you are one of the best men I have in this time”

Remus felt the conversation was leading to somewhere but he couldn’t quite realize where

“how are the things going on with your friends?” Dumbledore asked

“like always”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow

“they have changed a little, well I guess everyone has” Remus said “it’s not easy not going mental with all this” Remus looked around, almost on every tree was a poster of missing people

“did you read the daily prophet today?” Dumbledore asked

“haven’t had the chance yet”

Dumbledore gave Remus the papers and Remus didn’t need to flip through to realize why Dumbledore was so pale ‘DEAD OR TURNED?’ was the headline of the news and under that there was a picture of 7 children who had gone missing after a “werewolf attack?” Remus read sickly

“in a small kindergarten out of the town, most children were already picked up before the attack”

“god” Remus put the papers down on the bench and covered his face “oh god no, no- where were the grown-ups when it happened?”

“everyone who worked there was killed, they were found by a parent who was there to pick up her kid. Can’t even imagine being in their place”

“what will the ministry do? They will hunt those werewolves, right?”

“it’s complicated, those children might be hostages, they know for certain that they might be attacked so they might use those children. Besides, the other side has probably more influences on ministry than us”

“and what will we do? The order? Isn’t it our responsibility to protect those who can’t protect themselves?”

“we’re trying you know that”

“SO WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?” Remus snapped “look around you how many people are dead? How many people are missing? How many people have we saved? We’re not winning are we? We’re not even close to winning so why don’t you stop acting like we’re succeeding every time the order meets, things are getting worse and worse and those people who are dead or missed will soon be our own friends and families so why- why-”

“Remus breath”

Remus tried but it was like he had a panic attack, the thought of those missing kids and all the dead people and the thought of losing his friends-

“calm down boy, take a deep breath, everything will be okay”

“H-HOW CAN YOU S-S-SAY THAT?”

“BECAUSE IF I LOSE HOPE EVERYONE WILL” said Dumbledore as he pointed his wand at Remus’s chest, after a moment Remus’s breaths got normal again, though he still was breathing loudly

“so what’s our plan?” Remus asked after a minute

“You are!” Dumbledore said “You are my plan”  
...

Sirius wasn’t there when he arrived home, he didn’t remember Sirius mentioning anything about going somewhere, he went to bathroom and washed his face, as he looked up in the mirror he found himself looking sicker than always, he was still shaking badly and he couldn’t keep his mind straight. What Dumbledore asked him was huge, really huge. Of course Dumbledore gave him time to process things and think about them but Remus wasn’t sure if they had enough time. as he walked to the kitchen to take a drink the door got opened and Sirius walked in, followed by James who looked as scared as Sirius

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?” Sirius shouted

“I told you we should check the flat” said James “moony are you alright?”

Remus nodded

“IT’S FUCKING 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN REMUS? WE LOOKED EVERYWHERE-” Sirius continued yelling

Remus couldn’t hear what they were saying, he was too terrified to talk, all he could do was dropping himself in Sirius’s arm and holding him tight because he was there and he was alive

“I probably should leave you two” said James relieved though before he took a step Remus put an arm around him too and dragged him into the hug

“where have you been love?” asked Sirius as he kissed Remus’s hair

“where is wormy?” asked Remus

“he went to his flat, we told him we’ll let him know if you were here” James answered. The three of them were still wrapped in each other’s arms, none of them let go

“Lily and Harry?”

“they’re home, sleeping”

“no” Remus took a step back “no, you shouldn’t be here, you should be home, protecting them, you should stay with your family and protect them-”

“I am protecting my family moons” said James with a heart-warming smile  
....

July 9, 1981

Unfortunately, Remus couldn’t tell Sirius anything about the mission Dumbledore asked him to. Dumbledore thought that it would somehow influence his decision and if Remus decided to do it and his friends knew about it, they might ruin everything with just being too concerned and doing something stupid. So of course Sirius was angry at him all the time and Remus’s excuses weren’t always good, kissing Sirius and flirting with him didn’t always save him from a large amount of questions and the irritation either. after Dumbledore started meeting him secretly to give him information about the mission and asking him about his decision, Sirius started getting even more suspicious

Dumbledore told him that he suspected a pack of the werewolves to live in the north of the country, Remus agreed to go there for few days just to research more, though he didn’t say anything about agreeing on the mission. They were at prewett’s house when he told Sirius about going to the north with Dumbledore, Sirius didn’t take it very well and wanted to go with them, after rejecting that Sirius just got so angry that he broke the glass he had in his hand and ruined the table and walked out of their flat. Remus was expecting such a reaction that’s why he thought if he brought it up while sitting next to Fabian and Gideon, Sirius wouldn’t behave that bad though he was wrong. Fabian told Gideon to follow Sirius because it was dangerous being alone out there and he stayed with Remus, cleaning up the mess.

“Sirius will come around. If not, I’ll talk him into it before you get back, beat him up for you if you want” 

“thanks Fab”

“you’re not telling me about this super mission of yours either?” 

“no”

“it could be dangerous you know. You have to at least tell someone where you’re leaving just in case things go wrong”

“Dumbledore doesn’t think so”

“that’s because he is more concerned about the mission than you”

“I can’t Fab, I’m sorry”

“so I guess, I’ll see you around when you come back?” 

“yeah” Remus smiled and shook Fabian’s hand

“be safe”

“you too”

...

July 10, 1981

Remus was surprised to see the face of Minerva McGonagall as he walked inside a little cottage that was somewhere between the hills, she like everyone else looked pale and strained though she was smiling when she say Remus and Dumbledore. Remus found out that she’s been there this whole time spying on werewolves though according to her she hasn’t been really successful. She only found out in which area the pack was but even in her animagus form she couldn’t get close enough because she could have ended up shredded into pieced and swallowed by those beasts. Professor McGonagall wasn’t officially part of the order as Fudge was the one who ordered her to come here, nevertheless when they were drinking tea and chatting Dumbledore told him that he and McGonagall were the ones giving Fudge the idea. after finishing the tea, Dumbledore said he had to leave and that he was needed. As much as Remus wanted to be home with Sirius and close to his friends, he agreed to stay there with McGonagall for few days, there was a city near to that cottage in which the dead eaters were sabotaging and killing people, some of his friends including the Longbottoms were there to settle things, apparently a huge number of dead eaters were in north, close to the werewolves which made his mission even more hazardous, Remus was uncertain, he was never this unsure in his life, he looked guiltily at McGonagall when he told him that he actually hasn’t agreed on anything yet though she seemed to understand. In the first night he got a dinner invitation from Frank and Alice, who apparently found out he was there. he decided to go with McGonagall who seemed to need a night off. after an hour of searching for the location Frank finally showed up to pick them up, the only good thing about waiting that long down the street was knowing that the longbottoms at least were in a good hiding place. As Frank opened the flat's door both Remus and McGonagall cheered up a little to see the smiley kind face of Alice Longbottom holding a fat cute little baby in her hand. 

While they were at the table eating dinner, they all decide to leave the current situation aside and have a normal chat though no one seemed to be able to do it so they sat awkwardly for a while, no one saying anything and only looking at the little Neville throwing things from the table, after few minutes Alice decided to open up the conversation

“so Remus? When did you last see James and Lily? It’s been a long since I’ve spoken to anyone, how are they? how is little Harry doing?”

“well like everyone else they’re continuously changing their place to stay safe, Sirius and I usually visit them but Lily told us last time that we should stop going there regularly, all the plying might give them away. Harry James looks just like his father, he likes throwing things like your son and he likes grabbing Sirius’s hair in the air”

“Sirius decided to grow that thing again?” asked Frank jokingly

“and how are you guys are doing?” Alice smiled

“we have our little flat. It’s not much huge or cozy though we haven’t been attacked yet which either means that we have managed to hide it well or we haven’t been the target yet”

“it’s been really long. I miss hanging around with everyone” said Alice “I sometimes write letters for the girls but I miss spending time with them.”

“I’m sorry that all of you had to face all this in such a young age” said McGonagall “the war might have separated each of you from your friends but what you can do now is appreciating the little things you still have” Neville decided to grab McGonagall’s neckless in that moment and he pulled it hard which made it break and the jewels spread all over the table. 

They stayed there for few hours and when they finally decided to leave, Alice took Remus’s hand and dragged him in the kitchen

“I know why you’re here Remus” said Alice quietly still not letting go of Remus’s hand

“how”

“we’re not stupid, we know what’s going on in those woods, we know what brought you here, don’t do this”

“what choice do I have”

“you won’t survive a day living there. I heard Greyback has recently added another pack to his own by killing their leader, if he’s there and he gets a hand on you, as an alone wolf, his alone wolf, you won’t make it to two days”

“so I guess I’ll just have to stay away from him”

“no, Remus! It’s more than that! you haven’t lived with werewolves... you don’t know how they live, you’ll be a stranger who doesn’t know how they fight or treat each other, you’ll draw all the attention to yourself and that’s not good”

“have a little faith in me”

“I’m afraid that can’t save you” a tear fell on Alice’s cheek and she pulled Remus into a hug “just promise you’ll think this through”

“I will” 

As he walked outside he was once again grabbed to the side by Frank

“I know deep down you’ve already made your decision, I know I can’t do anything to change it but I’m still able to help, if you got into trouble, if you got even near to the trouble, you know what to do”

“my wand might give me away”

“not if you hide it well” he winked

July 13, 1981

“sure we did the right thing?” James asked while he walked outside of their new cottage in Godric’s Hallow with Sirius “I just feel like we rushed into the things”

“it’s the best. It’s the only way I can be sure your family is safe”

“but moony-”

“I’ll handle that, I’ll hurt him like no one ever hurt him before, I’ll hurt him like he hurt me”

“I still think you should talk to him-”

“just because you believe your friends couldn’t betray you doesn’t mean they can’t. believe me prongs, between all the people I’m the last one who’d want to admit that Remus is the one but he is and I’m gonna have to accept that otherwise he’s going to get us all killed-”

“I just feel like we came to a conclusion so soon, if we could talk to him first”

“YOU THINK I WANT TO BELIEVE THIS? WHAT OTHER ASSUMPTION CAN WE MAKE? HE’S BEEN ACTING ODD, HE DISAPPEARED WITHOUT ANY REASONS, HE’S BEEN LYING TO ME! AND HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT THE PREWETTS WERE ATTACKED THE DAY AFTER HE LEFT?”

“it doesn’t mean Remus was responsible for it”

“oh please Dumbledore warned us about a spy and even Lily had to give in after she found out about Fabian and Gideon”

“and it broke her heart Sirius” said James harshly “don’t pretend you’re okay, don’t act like you’re tough”

“I’m not” said Sirius with an unsteady voice “I- I just loved him so much I don’t understand why he’d do that”

“you don’t know if he did anything”

“but it explains everything. It’s as clear as water even Peter could see that”

“he was panicked that’s why he told all those things-”

“what do you want to say James? give me another explanation for all these please!”

“I’m not saying anything! if that’s what you really think I trust you! I just used to trust moony as well and if you’re telling me that our trust didn’t mean anything to him and that it was based on nothing, I’m gonna need more proofs, until then I’m going to do everything that is needed to protect my family and I’m going to believe that all my friends love me as much as I love them and that none of them will ever betray me so tell Remus that!! and tell him that I expect to see him next to all of you after things got settled and after we won this war. Promise me you’ll talk to him”

“James it’s getting dark we have to finish this now” said Lily standing by the door

There was a long pause in which both men just looked into each other’s eyes

“so I guess that’s it?” said James sadly

“I guess so” said Sirius

“I’ll see you soon?”

“yeah” Sirius smiled and waved at Lily who took Harry and waved with his little hand

July 17, 1981

Remus knew Frank was right, he knew what was the right thing to do but after staying there for a week and helping them cleaning up the city he didn’t even get close to going to the mountains. McGonagall didn’t ask anything once, she didn't do anything to push him, nevertheless in the last two days Remus wasn’t able to look at her without the guilt overwhelming him. Alice was happy, thinking that her advice has worked and Remus wasn’t leaving, however, Frank seemed to realize what was really bothering him.

“why don’t you go home, make things up and come back when you’re ready?”

he decided to do that, to go to Sirius, he maybe wasn’t able to tell them the truth but he couldn’t go to those mountain knowing that his last day with Sirius included all the fights

He looked everywhere for Sirius but he couldn’t find him, he went to James and Lily’s but apparently they changed their place again, he was gone for a week though a lot of things seemed to have changed.

He stayed home for a while, waited for Sirius to come and when he did he wished he hadn’t. Sirius’s eyes were never this cold, he’d never looked at Remus like that before, with hate and disgust

“hey” Remus stood up from his sit and walked towards Sirius, he leaned forward to kiss him but Sirius pulled back and pushed him away. Remus looked shocked, he had missed Sirius and he came back for him and Sirius pushed him away?

“stop these acts. your can’t trick me anymore” said Sirius sharply 

“what?” 

“it must have been so fun for you” Sirius made a bark like laugh “to have everyone wrapped around your little finger”

“Sirius why are you talking like this”

“and you actually have the guts to come back, after what you did?” 

“what happened, why are you wearing black”

“oh I’m always gonna wear black from now”

“tell me what happened” Remus walked close to Sirius but he put a hand on his chest and pushed him away aggressively 

“get off me” he said hatefully “like you don’t know” he laughed as he walked towards the window and stood there looking outside

“S-Sirius l-love you’re scaring me”

Sirius burst into a laugh again, though after few seconds Remus realized that he wasn’t laughing this time

“why?” Sirius asked trying hard not to let out a sob “I just don’t understand why?” his eyes full of tears he turned to look at Remus again

“Sirius I was only gone for a week. Dumbledore told me-”

“STOP LYING!” Sirius yelled 

“I’m not” Remus found his own eyes getting wet, Sirius had never yelled at him like that before, he'd never treated him like that before “ask Dumbledore he’ll tell you”

“I don’t know how you got into his mind, you can’t get into mine. I know now, you chose me because you thought you can play with me well joke on you I’m not an idiot! you can’t fool me, not anymore, I won’t fell for you and your pretended love-”

“p-p-pret-tend-d?” Remus couldn’t stop the tears “Sirius I love you”

“how can you keep acting this genuine when I just told you I know what you’ve been doing this whole time?”

“Sirius p-please stop talking like this you’re freaking me out”

Sirius walked to their bedroom, opened the closet and throw Remus’s clothes out

“what are you doing?”

“what does it look like? I’ve already packed mine”

“you’re breaking up with me?” that was when Remus finally broke “no” he cried “no you can’t do this” he walked fast and put few of the clothes that Sirius threw on the floor back to the closet “Sirius baby don’t do this, tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it please love please, he reached for Sirius and grabbed his wrist

“get off me” 

Remus just dropped himself in Sirius arm’s and hold him tighter than he ever had

“why?” Remus asked “I thought you love me”

Sirius laughed though his eyes were still full of tears

“and I never regretted anything that much in my life. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for ever loving you”

“I don’t understand. Why this is happening” Remus cried “I- Sirius I can’t live without you, if you leave me where should I go? What should I do?”

“that’s not my problem”

“Sirius I’ll die without you just calm down please-”

“why? Because you’re useless without me and your master will kill you? I can’t believe all this time I was so blind. You were the reason why they always found out where they could find the Potters, they had to hide and run all this time while you were there selling them out all along, well my deepest apologize Remus, you can’t do it anymore. It took me some time, it broke my heart, destroyed it, but I finally saw, I finally saw what I couldn’t see before because I was so blind of your stupid fake love, how could I be so stupid to even believe that a monster like you could ever love someone, it’s over now, we know your little game and we ended it, you can’t betray us any longer you can’t tell your master where they are, no one can, no one except me”

“You finally took Dumbledore’s advice to use the fidelius charm? And you did it without me? You did it without letting me see them one last time?”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you but you will never even get close to them, now go tell your master that if he wants the Potters he must get through me”

“you really think I’m the spy?” Remus snickered

“I don’t think, I know!”

“you don’t trust me? after all we’ve been through, that’s it? You make me believe you love me, make me believe I’m your equal, make me fall in love with you so you could throw me out and treat me like a garbage?” Remus tears suddenly got dry “I’m not the spy! and I don’t know what made you think that but it doesn’t matter, I’m the one who sees this now, you just used me like a toy and now you’re throwing me away like a trash. I’m happy that you finally took Dumbledore’s advice and saved your friends, at least you proved that your cold heart is capable of loving someone even if that's not me”

Remus walked back in the bedroom, struggling hard to hold back his tears as he packed the piece of clothes, which Sirius threw out of closet earlier, as he walked out Sirius’s eyes were following him shockingly. Remus stopped for a moment and reached for his pocket and as he did Sirius pointed his wand at him, looking alarmed. Remus pulled his hands slowly out of his pocket and put the key on the table which was between him and Sirius, the same key that Sirius gave him almost a year ago when he asked him to move in with him as a partner, as his equal… now he didn’t even seem to care if Remus was dead or alive and if all his friends thought so, he should have agreed on that mission long time ago, he wasn’t any different than those werewolves anyway, he was everything his friends used to tell him he wasn’t, he was a monster, he was alone and he was never loved.

He held back his tears until he was out of the house, after that nothing mattered anymore.

he didn’t know what to do, he knew he wasn’t ready to leave tonight, he just wanted to stay in the town for one more night, he walked to Fabian and Gideon’s house, that was the first place that came to his mind, while reaching to the street he bopped into someone in the corner

“hey look where you goin” said a female’s voice “oh my god Remus, is that you. I didn’t see you under that hood”

As he looked up he saw no one but Marlene, who was also wearing black and had tears in her eyes. of course it was her, she always caught Remus in most embarrassing Situations

“sweetie you okay? You don’t look well”

“I’m okay” Remus barely managed to say “I was just on my way to check on the twins”

Marlene’s face suddenly lost all the color

“you don’t know” she said

“don’t know what?” Remus wiped his nose with his sleeve, he was crying all the way

“there was an attack few days ago in a muggle party near to Prewett’s house, they went there to save those muggles but they couldn’t make it, there were so many of them”

“no, no, please no” Remus couldn’t stop his knees from falling, he just sat on the ground and hid his face in his knees

“I was here to offer my sincere condolences to their family, do you want me to come with you?”

“no, I can’t go there, not now” 

“do you want me to walk you home?”

“Sirius broke up with me”

Marlene’s jaw dropped and she looked shocked at Remus 

“oh honey” she knelt next to Remus and wrapped her hand around his neck “do you want to talk about it?” she asked after a minute, her hands still around Remus

“no, I- I just want- I- I want to- I can’t-”

“do you want to come with me to my place?”

“c-can I?”

“course silly, my parents would love to see you”

As they apparated in front of McKinnon’s house, Mrs. McKinnon ran towards them

“I thought I told you not to stay out after dark”

“mom, you remember Remus?”

“of course” she smiled after realizing that her daughter wasn’t alone, she held Remus's wet face with both hands after she saw his tears “my boy life hasn’t been kind to you, has it?”

Remus shook his head as another tear fell down on his cheek

“there there” Mrs. Mckinnon pulled him into a hug “it’s okay son, soon all of it will be over... you’ll see” 

Remus didn’t remember ever crying that much in his life, it was the way he felt safe in Mrs. Mckinnon arms that made him want to cry himself out. Maybe because he felt protected, maybe because Mrs. Mckinnon had the same perfume his mother once did, maybe she smelled like his mother and that was all he needed

As he woke up the next day, he wrote a note for McKinnons, thanking them for letting him stay there over the night, he kissed Marlene’s cheek who was in a deep sleep next to him and sent a patronus for both Dumbledore and McGonagall. And after that he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was the longest one and the hardest one till now, so I'd really appreciate the comments.  
I felt like this chapter was necessary. now you know why Remus can't fall into Sirius's arms that easily. my poor Remus I just wanted to hug him so badly so I thought why shouldn't he get a mother hug instead? so thank you Mrs. McKinnon :)  
this was probably the last time Remus met the McKinnons or the Prewetts ( not even mentioning the Potters or Longbottoms)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, since most of you wanted me to update sooner, I had to make it as short as possible. So next chapter will be about Oct 1981 where the actual fun begins! you all know what will happen! get ready for more ANGST!  
This chapter isn't that interesting but I hope you still like it.

September 1981

Hey pads,  
Forgive me for not writing to you before. After I heard about Moony, I was mad. Wormy said he left. Apparently, you weren’t able to fix things between you. I’m sorry that it had to end like that. Wormy was here last night, he didn’t look well. He told us you look worse when we asked him. He said you’ve been looking after Moony? any luck? Do you know where he is? I need to talk with him Padfoot, maybe I can help?  
Love,  
Prongs  
p.s. Harry misses you a lot, we put a picture of you in his bedroom “so he doesn’t forget your face” like you asked us, Moony’s also in that pic. We miss having you two around, Lily has tried writing to Moony few times though she’s heartbroken because she hasn’t got any letters back, I think she sent them to your old flat. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that Moony’s been missing, the death of McKinnons broke her, couldn’t tell her we lost Moony too.

……………………………………………………………

I can’t find him prongs, he’s nowhere to be seen. Nobody knows where he is, Dumbledore seems to know more, but he denied. James, what should I do? What if something happened to him? why do I even care if something happened to him? he’s the spy, right? I shouldn’t care, so why can’t I stop looking for him? I know he’s the spy, why else would he leave without explaining? So why can’t I stop loving that bastard? I need to stop worrying myself but the guilt won’t let me! Why should I feel guilty over the bastard who could sell out his friends? I assumed he’d be living among the death eaters though I’ve never seen him in any of the fights lately. I didn’t see him at all since he left. What if they killed him? what if Voldemort killed him like he killed my little brother because he thought he couldn’t be useful any longer? I have a bad feeling Prongs, what if he’s dead because of me? Should I not have let him leave? Should I have tried to help him coming back to the right side? Oh god Prongs, what if he was threatened and forced? Not that it would justify him but did I just hand him over to them?  
Need you more than ever,  
Sirius

…………………………………………………………

Remus Lupin didn’t have the best time of his life after July 1981, as the matter of fact he had the worst two months of his life. The pack he was with consisted of 37 werewolves, all Betas, though Remus almost immediately found out that it wasn’t just one pack, but 3 because he just landed in a civil war. Fenrir Greyback, who was the under bed monster of Remus when he was a kid, the werewolf who caused him endless nightmares and pains was the alpha of a pack that was spread all over the country and even abroad, apparently Greyback was combining different packs by killing their alphas and claiming to be their one and only alpha. No pack was safe, most of the packs were already destroyed, not all the members survived to be part of the Greyback’s great army, so Remus had the feeling that all those werewolves had animosity towards each other. They argued and had a rant, they fought and hit each other till one of them bleed and passed out but they weren’t allowed to kill each other, because they were part of the pack. Consequently, it wasn’t the best time to join a werewolf pack as no one was in a friendly mood. They kept him in dungeons for the first week, only gave him water after he begged for few hours. Dumbledore’s orders were clear, try to make friends, try to get inside their lives or in other words ‘try to be the spy Sirius thought you were only for the right side’ Remus thought. Remus tried to talk a lot when he was in those dungeons, which was probably the reason he got thirsty a lot. He spoke loudly to everyone and made stupid jokes though all he got for a while was ‘shut up’ ‘shut the fuck up’ ‘die’ ‘keep your mouth shut or I’ll make you’ and other things like that. He only got to eat the food waste of the others, it took him more than a week to get used to the smell and the taste of the blood still on those death animals, he threw up few times, which only made them more suspicious of him, in his defense he really didn’t get the best parts of those animals. To his bad luck, they got all his clothes for themselves and left him their own smelly bloody ripped out shirts. He couldn’t leave anything at McGonagall’s cottage because they could follow his scent, he only gave her his books and the box of his favorite photos and old letters (Remus loved keeping things). Unfortunately, Remus’s only friend for first two weeks was the little cat who only once came closer to the pack, closer than she ever supposed to be, after not hearing anything from Remus over a week. She was lucky that Remus saw her and showed her a thumb up, otherwise she could have ended up as a food for those thirsty werewolves. 

Remus was sure that Greyback wasn’t anywhere close to him since he figured out that no one really knew what they should do to him. when he first walked close to the werewolves’ camp he was attacked by three huge werewolves who were fighting over either biting him or killing him, when one of them pushed Remus on the ground and settled himself on top of Remus to bite his neck, Remus kicked his balls with his knee, once the memories of his childhood came to his mind and horror overwhelmed him, he stepped hasty back as he pushed the man away, only to be hit by two other werewolves, who didn’t stop kicking him for a good whole minute. unsure of whether his ribs were broken or not, he cried for them to stop and give him a chance for showing his old bite mark on his waist under his shirt. He was worried that they might find his wand when they stripped him and got his clothes, but he was lucky that Frank hid it well in his pants with a brilliant hiding spell, what they didn’t think about on the other hand was his pants getting stolen, which was great! now he also had to be worried about them finding the wand which would get him killed. Other than that they didn’t really do anything to Remus than starving him and hitting him sometimes for fun, Remus sometimes heard their whispers, he always listened carefully for information. His blood always ran cold after he heard about the things they wanted to do to him but he told himself that they were only words and it wasn’t really going to happen. It was a one-time conversation between a werewolf called Mike and another one, younger but bigger, called Jonathan that caught Remus’s attention. 

“… I said no” told the old werewolf named Mike, who Remus figured might be the leader when Greyback wasn’t around “we shall wait till the alpha comes back from London”

‘GREYBACK WAS IN LONDON?’ Remus felt his heat sink and his mind screamed

“but he’s an omega, at least let us have some fun with him!”

“no, you know Fenrir appreciate the new toys…”

Were they referring Remus as a toy? Remus’s stomach twisted and made a noise out of stress

“he gets enough of them! THE BOY IS AN OMEGA! You know how long it’s been since I’ve seen an omega? A lone wolf without any pack!? In this time? come on! We can do anything to him! omegas aren’t part of the packs they’re practically slaves! We have a slave for our own! Why should we save it for Greyback to enjoy? You know you want it as much as I do?”

“I know you want your arse kicked! Forget it! You’ve had enough fun with those children”

“which Greyback only let us have after he got bored of them! now I’m bored of them”

Remus felt his heart in his throat

“…besides, Greyback turned them, now they are betas! Our brothers, we can’t hurt them!”

Remus gasped loudly, those missing children from the kindergarten were still there! Remus was close to them! Remus could save them! though all the hopes immediately vanished as he remembered that he can’t even save himself. He had to find a way to report this

“what was that pretty boy?” asked him the taller werewolf Jonathan

“n-nothing I think I saw a- a- a deer”

“a deer?!” Mike turned to his kind and yelled “DINNER! GET YOUR ARSE UP!”

“that’s weird I thought we killed all of ‘em” said Jonathan suspicious

“GO, GO, GO!”

“can I get a good part this time? the heart maybe? I’m sick of the balls” Remus smiled knowing very well that there wasn’t any deer anywhere around

“shut up kid” said Mike as he followed the other werewolves to hunt the deer

Eventually they let him come out of his little cell after asking him enough questions. Remus told them everything Dumbledore said, nothing more and nothing less, it was enough to convince them though they continued keeping an eye on him. He tried to stay friendly and talk with everyone individually, not all of them were horrible, Remus realized after some time, one of the packs that wasn’t originally Greyback’s had kinder and civilized men in it but the three of them wanted to keep distant and not get involved with others. Remus tried to stay away from Jonathan as much as possible cause one time he just grabbed his writs at night when he was asleep and was about to drag him with himself behind the trees at night when Mike woke up and stopped him, Remus knew Mike only saved him because he was afraid of Greyback but he was still thankful. He couldn’t sneak out in first weeks to report especially when Jonathan was even watching him at nights so he didn’t get the chance to warn Dumbledore about the kids. He only found out where the kids were, apparently they were locked in Greyback’s cottage, not far away from where they were. Jonathan smirked when he showed him there once. 

“that’s where the boss lives, take a good look bitch, once Fenrir takes you inside, you won’t get the chance to see the outside anymore”

Remus mainly only wished that Greyback stayed where he was and didn’t get the idea of visiting his little pack in the north.

“does he visit here a lot?” Remus asked the shy werewolf, Timmy, who was around his ages and belonged to the civilized pack Remus mostly tried hanging around with “Greyback?”

The boy twitched

“you wish he never comes back!” said Timmy angrily though his expression immediately changed to fear “shit- I should not have said that! you didn’t hear anything!”

“don’t worry you can trust me”

“really wizard?” Timmy whispered

Remus felt like someone just poured ice water over his head

“don’t worry, you’re here for almost three weeks now, if I wanted to give you away I would’ve done it long time ago”

“what stopped you?”

“hope”

“hope?”

Timmy looked around scared

“Greyback killed my parents when he attacked our pack”

“I’m sorry”

“so who are you working with?”

“really? you think I’m that idiot?”

“yes, who else would come here on his own foot!?”

“fair point” Remus smiled, but he was still a little worried about someone knowing his secret “what gave me away?”

“I’m wearing your pants” Timmy smiled “you and I are the only ones skinny here”

“I’m pretty sure it was perfectly hidden”

“it still is! I just knew something was off with you, you looked perfectly… fine… for a lone wolf. Everyone knew something was wrong with it, I just had the chance to figured it out!”

“but how?”

“I felt it… the magic” Timmy almost whispered it in Remus’s ear “my parents used to do magic”

“you’re a wizard?”

“NO! I never learned it! I never did anything with magic! I was born like this!”

“but you wish-”

“I wish nothing! Wizards are bad”

“they’re not… not all of them”

“they hate us! They hate our kind! I don’t even understand how you stole that wand and practiced magic, but let me tell you this kid, those wizards and witches are nothing but racist self-complacent cocky People who’d kill us as soon as they get their hands on us”

“YOU’RE WRONG” Remus snapped “not all of them are like that! some of them are good and honorable! Some of them care about us!”

“are you working for them?” Timmy said disgusted “if they cared, they wouldn’t send you here kid! Open your eyes!”

“they care!” said Remus uncertain, thinking about Sirius; but he immediately remembered how Alice and Frank begged him not to come, remembered Fabian- “y-you said you had hope!”

“because I thought you’re coming from a big pack to save us! To offer us a good family and a home! I was joking when I called you a wizard! I thought you just brought that thing to save us because you know Greyback has got one too!”

“Greyback can do magic?” Remus’s throat got dry 

“course he can! He tells us wizards are bad! He wants us to destroy them and yet he has that thing around”

“how about your parents? Were they bad?”

“no, but what did that cost for them? the wizard world turned its back to them, their friends abandoned them! and yet they couldn’t believe what they were! They were disgusted of what they had become! Only when I was born they started to realize that the life wasn’t over for them… it soon ended after”

“listen Timmy” Remus said putting a hand on his shoulder “it’s true that I am here because the wizards wanted me here but they didn’t send me because they hate you! They sent me because they want to offer you the life within the society, a job, school, everything! Albus Dumbledore has always fought for werewolves’ rights but you never heard his voice because Greyback wants you to join the wrong side!”

“you mean the dark lord’s side?”

“Voldemort yes”

“oh you poor boy” Timmy laughed “the great Dumbledore hasn’t realized that the werewolves are already on dark lord’s side?”

“what? … what about the hating wizard thing?”

“Fenrir Greyback is our alpha! He promised us great things! He likes the dark lord”

“because he wants to hurt people!”

“so? He says people hurt us-”

“Voldemort hates your kind as much as any other wizard hates it”

“so you’re finally accepting it!”

“he doesn’t care what happens to you! He only wants an army and Greyback only wants blood! You can’t say you’re okay with this!”

“what other choice do I have!?”

“if all of you turn against Greyback-”

“wooh! Take it easy kid!”

“thought you hate him!”

“he’s still my alpha!”

“but do you want this?”

“all I want is a place where no one knows us, where I can leave with my own pack without anyone bothering us”

“like the life you had before?”

“YES!”

“so why don’t you try to have it back!?”

“I don’t want to end up alone like an omega! Like you!”

“you won’t, I promise!”

“I don’t even know you! Badru was right! We should’ve told the others! Now that we know where you’re from we can do that!”

“No, if you do that they’ll kill me and you’ll lose your only chance to have an ideal life… think about it- a normal life, with a home and a job- with friends… building a family- having a girlfriend- having kids that could do magic and be supported! If you come to the right side, if you help those innocent people instead of killing them, people- wizards- will know who we truly are, they’ll accept all of us!”

Timmy paused, looking desperately at Remus

“g-girl-f-friend? D-do you have one? Do you have someone waiting for you at home?” Timmy asked astonished, like it was the most unlikely thing on earth for a werewolf to have a girlfriend

“yes” just like that Remus lied

“does she know?”

“that I’m a werewolf?”

Timmy nodded

“yes” Remus laughed with a tear falling from his eye “all of my friends know… they- they embraced me and they love me” Remus sighed “and they see me as one of their own, as an equal- they trust me”

“friends?”

Remus nodded

“they didn’t want me to come here” Remus found himself shaking a little bit “they said they’d miss me and I know they would” Remus laughed at his own lie “but I had to do this! If I deserve such thing, such a life, these friends; other werewolves, my equals, they deserve it too”

“it’s- beautiful” Timmy smiled and Remus smiled back “tell me more”

“you won’t tell anyone?”

“I won’t betray my brothers!” Timmy assured him. Remus was shocked to be announced as a brother, did all the werewolves get friendly so soon? “I have to tell Badru and Kane though”

“I know, I have a Badru and Kane at home too” Remus laughed “I bet you told them immediately when you found out about me”

“I did! Kane likes you, he says there’s something about you that makes him curious, anyways he doesn’t want us to tell anyone. I guess he also has a little faith. he’s older than me and Badru, he’s like the big brother to us and we listen to him. he doesn’t like Greyback either but he’s a better actor than me and Badru. Our old alpha used to be his best friend. Greyback killed him in front of Kane, I still can hear his scream- they were like twins- never apart from each other” Timmy sighed “and Bad- well Badru is the strongest one between us, he’s a fighter but he’s traditional. He’s the wary one between us, wants to keep us safe, that’s why he wanted to tell the others about you”

“will he?”

“nah he listens to Kane”

“and you? What are you in this group?”

“I’m the swift one and the youngest, most handsome one”

“that’s true” Remus chuckled 

“it feels good to talk to someone… Badru would kill me if-”

“if what?” said Badru behind them and made them both jump

“nothing I was just talking with Romulus about the- the-”

“swift? yes! young? also yes! most handsome one? meh not sure!” said Kane who was smirking behind Badru and was leaning against a tree “but did he also tell you that he has the biggest mouth?”

“how long have you been listening?” Remus asked worriedly 

“long enough! Were you the best man Albus Dumbledore could send?” Kane moved slowly towards Remus and talked more quietly “it seems for me kid that you’re worse than our Timmy here. It won’t take Greyback more than few minutes to recognize who you are. Is Dumbledore as great as everyone says he is; he should not have sent you here-”

“he didn’t have any other choice” Remus said the truth, which seemed the most reasonable thing to do

“I see” Kane smiled softly. Kane’s face didn’t look like someone who’d smile a lot but somehow Remus always found him smiling handsomely. He had a big scar on his left eye, and a long black hair that covered his shoulders, all in all he reminded Remus someone, only he was mature and around his 40’s “how old are you kid?”

“21 and could you maybe stop calling me kid? it makes me uncomfortable”

“alright” Kane nodded, Badru next to him was sharpening his knife and frowning at him “what should I call you then?”

“I told you all my name!”

Badru snickered

“Romulus, right- listen kid- let me tell you how trusting works” Kane’s voice suddenly changed into a threatening serious voice “if you don’t want to be played with, you don’t play around with me, if you expect us to trust you, you should show yourself worthy because I don’t care with whom you’ve been living before but right now you’re living with grown-up thirsty werewolves who I assure you know, one better than the other, how the proper lying actually works so I suggest you start working on that because once Greyback comes, and I guarantee you that it will be soon, you’re going to be torn out in pieces if he catches your scent of lying and by the way you twitch every time you hear his name, I have an impression that you know Greyback by more than just a name and if I’m right and that beast is really the one who turned you and you’ve been somehow successfully kept away from him all this time, he’s going to be furious and if he lets you live, which you should wish he won’t, you’ll end up as a slave for your whole life which probably won’t be the end of it, if those friends and that girlfriend you talked about actually exist, you’ll put them in danger too, since Greyback is indeed working with Voldemort and your friends are so far I found out fighting against him? so I ask you again what should I call you?”

“Remus”

“that’s better” Kane winked “now let’s work on your terrible lying skills”

Becoming friends with Kane, Timmy and Badru made Remus more confident, they taught him how to live like other werewolves, helped him learn how to steady his voice and how he should look with his eyes when he wanted the lie to be believable. Other werewolves stopped messing around with him since they counted Remus as part of Kane’s little pack. Badru still didn’t seem to like him that much, he gave him a knife to protect himself but he never talked, not only to Remus but to anyone. Remus found himself getting closer to Kane, he didn’t talk much with Timmy after realizing that the boy couldn’t keep any secrets, besides, he couldn’t talk about interesting topics with Timmy because he was a little dimwitted but Kane was fascinating, Remus didn’t know why but he could talk with him for hours without getting bored, Kane had lots of amazing stories to tell and with him it didn’t feel like he was far from home, though he always had to tell Kane the truth about anything he asked and to be fair Kane also answered all of his questions honestly. Remus somehow managed to keep his meetings with McGonagall a secret though after some time he suspected that Kane knew but just simply didn’t care. 

After his friends abandoned him, after Sirius abandoned him, Remus felt a big hole in his heart, he found himself changing a lot in a short period of time, he tried not to think about them, not to think about Sirius, because he felt a horrible pain in his heart whenever he thought about him, sometimes Sirius would come to his dreams, everything was the same in those dreams until he woke up and remembered he wasn’t home, that Sirius didn’t love him, that he was nothing but a toy for Sirius, that despite every words he said he never respected him or trusted him and despite all the love Remus gave him, he still saw him as a monster. Sometimes Remus cried at nights, because the pain and that empty spot in his heart was too painful and unbearable, he tried not to make any sounds while crying, he tried hard not to think about what Sirius was doing without him, not to think about his beautiful eyes, his lips, his handsome smile… his stupid hair, his gentle hands… he tried. 

All things considered he was doing better during the days, wandering the woods with Kane, planning everything out, Kane hated Greyback even more than Remus, maybe the thing which made Remus feeling so close to Kane was the pain they both experienced, the feel of lost and missing, the feel like someone is tearing your heart in thousand pieces. sometimes Remus wanted to put everything aside and fall into Kane’s arm and be with him just for a night to forget Sirius, to feel better, to feel loved again, to be taken care of but he held himself back knowing that Kane was only playing the role of a big brother offering him a shelter and Remus didn’t want to lose that.

Their big plan was rescuing those muggle children who were locked in Greyback’s cottage, the only food they got through a day wasn’t enough for even one of them, Mike didn’t let Remus get near to that cottage but he couldn’t stop Kane from visiting the children and giving them his own food. Apparently the door was locked with magic, so they had to use the little window to communicate. If anyone could open that door, it was Remus so he had to do it before Greyback’s arrival. Kane stopped him once in the action because according to him it was a suicide to fight against 34 werewolves coming after the three of them plus the children. 

“how about that friend of yours?” Kane asked “that cat you’ve been giving notes to? Can it get any help?”

Remus wrote another note for McGonagall asking her for Dumbledore’s help with those children but nothing came, Dumbledore must have been busy with the war, he hadn’t enough men to fight against a werewolf army combined with death eaters, Remus lost his hopes after a while

“we do it ourselves then” Kane concluded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is a mess, Remus is even worse  
and I created some new characters which I mostly like  
also Fenrir Greyback will show up next chapter


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of 1981. it was very hard to write, I hope you'll like it! I ended it before James and Lily's death. I couldn't write that part

October 1981

Although Remus couldn’t break the ice with Badru, he realized that even he accepted him as part of their own group, Remus was more than happy because he couldn’t even imagine this was possible. Right after he lost his pack, his family, he found a new one, three friends that may be the replace for the marauders.

He’d already spent two full moons with them, with actual werewolves, so Prongs, Wormtail… and Padfoot weren’t missed, or at least that was what he told himself.

Remus wasn’t as strong and wild as other werewolves, even the wolf looked naïve and inexperienced next to other wolves, it seemed for him that the wolf was shocked being around people stronger than him. As he woke up the day after the full moon, he felt a horrible pain like he never had before and he actually cried in pain, his eyes could see nothing but blood, he could even taste blood in his mouth, his hips and ribs seemed to be broken cause when he made a small move the whole area started to burn horribly and it felt like he was suffocating, he gasped for air and screamed unwanted when his voice finally came back to him, next moment Kane was above his head, looking well and wholesome as if his body hasn’t been through a horrible shape shifting during full moon. His smile faded when he saw Remus drowning in his own blood

“holly-”

“ppad-” Remus grabbed Kane’s arm, his eyes grew wide after a moment, realizing that he usually hadn’t control over what he said after a full moon, but Kane didn’t seem to hear him or care, he was just struggling to help Remus in any ways 

“this has never happened to any of us” 

Remus heard Kane saying though his mind went immediately somewhere else

‘Listen, guys, last night… it was the best thing that could ever happen to me’ 

He heard his own voice, talking quietly with Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail who were standing with a big grin above his head, looking a little pale but happy.

“m-my w-wand-d” Remus said

“Are you mad?” 

“p-pleas-se I nee- need my- my wa-”

“Badru” with a point of his hand, Kane told Badru to walk towards them and cover their sight, Timmy, who was sad about his ripped shirt and was groaning, followed him. they stood on each side of Remus.

“the hell happened to him?” Badru whispered without looking back

“I can’t tell... I think the other werewolves… including us… must have done this to him” Kane answered with a scared voice

“you mean he wasn’t welcomed by… us?” Timmy asked

“either that… or he was too welcomed”

“S-Sirius”

“we don’t have a Sirius here boy” Kane said softly “do you have enough power to cast a spell?” 

Remus nodded after a minute. Kane helped him sit and moved his knee behind him to stop him from falling. Then he gave Remus his wand, looking excited for what he was expecting to see from it, even Timmy and Badru glanced toward Remus. 

although Remus’ spells weren’t powerful enough like Madam Pomfrey’s or Sirius’ or James’; they got him going through both full moons. One week after the second full moon, someone arrived, who Remus mostly saw in his nightmares, a man twice the size of Remus, one head taller than all the other werewolves with long greasy hairs which looked like it wasn’t washed for over ten years and yellow sharp teeth which made Remus shiver as he grinned. The white in his eyes was barely visible, he looked more like a wolf than a man, sniffing his way while he walked like he was checking if there was a new scent. His torn out shirt appeared his hairy chest, while he was walking heavily, he dragged his dirty sharp nails on the trees and made a creepy noise. Behind Remus, Timmy started to shiver but Remus felt a hand movement which must have belonged to Kane stopping him, Badru who wasn’t standing that far from Remus also had a horror in his eyes which Remus thought could be misunderstood with anger, Badru made a fist and pushed his nails into his palm, trying to stand steady and calm though Remus didn’t miss the blood coming from his palm. To his own surprise Remus wasn’t shaking or twitching, he was just petrified, his blood running cold and his face losing color, his mind travelled past time, his eyes followed Greyback who was walking with Mike and Jonathan on each of his side, walking close to their camp and Remus knew that was it… there was no going back… behind him Kane whispered something but Remus didn’t hear… couldn’t hear… all he could hear was a five-year-old boy screaming, all he could feel was sharp teeth sinking into his body. He wished his mum was there so after this Remus could fall into her arms (like he did last time), he wished he was only five and his dad was somewhere out there, rushing inside soon to run off the beast and safe his son.

Then something so much worse crossed his mind, what if he never saw Sirius again? Sirius, Peter, James and Lily… or even worse… what if he wasn’t strong enough to keep his friends a secret? What if he accidentally told Greyback everything about them? he couldn’t stop himself from calling Sirius’s name last time. Without anyone asking, he told the name of the most important person in his world. He felt weak, why did Dumbledore trust him? 

Struggling to hold his emotions backs, it took Remus a while to realize Greyback was only few steps away

“fancy seeing you here, Fenrir” Kane stepped forward and walked in front of Remus with his usual smirk. if anything, Timmy was right, Kane was a really good actor compare to Timmy who immediately started shaking when Kane walked away from him and Badru who was struggling to stop his jaw from clenching “I almost began to think you forgot us” 

Not paying any attention to Kane, Greyback pointed at Remus with a movement of his head

“What do we have here?” he narrowed his eyes and focused them on Remus as if he was solving his question for himself

Unfortunately, before Kane could open his mouth to talk, Jonathan took over and answered simply

“an Omega” Jonathan grinned “he’s been here for a while now. We thought we should keep him… for you”

Greyback put his hand on Kane’s chest and pushed him away, walking towards Remus who was still standing like a statue, his face was so close to Remus, Remus could smell his bad breath. Remus was incredibly relaxed, though he was sure the fear must have paralyzed him. Greyback continued looking strangely at Remus while sniffing him. In contrast to Remus, Timmy was breathing loudly. Kane and Badru were following him with their eyes carefully.

“a lone wolf, you said?”

“his name is Romulus” Kane said in an angry way. Remus supposed he was pissed out again because of the name Remus chose, he was sure it would cause troubles “he’s coming from…”

Before Kane could finish his words, Greyback hushed him with a point of his hand. Greyback was at least twice the size of Remus, he had to bend to look Remus in the eye, his grin that made his yellow teeth show up made Remus nervous. Suddenly Greyback’s hand was touching his face, with his claw, he pushed Remus’s hair away from his forehead and moved his hand slowly above his head and then back to his neck, when he reached to back of his neck, he aggressively grabbed it, his nails sinking into Remus’s skin and Remus yelped, he pulled Remus’s face close to his own, Remus felt sharp teeth touching his cheek, next to him Kane made a movement but was stopped by Badru at the right moment. “I think I’ve seen this scene somewhere” Greyback whispered into his face “perhaps this will make me remember” he pushed Remus hastily down, Remus’s whole body cried in pain as it hit the cold ground, the next moment something heavy was on top of him, the weight was so much more bearable compare to the time when Remus was only five. At least now Remus knew his ribs wouldn’t break like they did last time, last time the man’s elbow wa holding Remus who was scrambling to free himself so strongly that Remus almost ran out of breath. the flashbacks were passing through his head so fast he though his mind would blow. He saw himself standing naked in front of a mirror with bruises all over his body, he remembered the coldness he felt when his mother rubbed healing ointment on his chest, remembered her tickling him to make him laugh-

Greyback pressed his nose into Remus’s cheek again, pressing Remus’s collarbone with one elbow to hold him down, while his other hand moved under Remus’s clothes and touched his cold skin. It didn’t take Remus so long to realize where he was heading. a moment later five sharp claws sank into Remus’ skin, and Remus finally screamed. Greyback seemed to know exactly where his old bite mark was, he didn’t even need to look at it to find it. Remus’s scream lasted for a minute, the pain was unbelievable, Remus felt his whole body burn, above his head even Kane started shaking, he looked away to hide his expression, Timmy looked like a dead body and Badru was also looking away. Remus didn’t expect them to grab Greyback and push him away, though looking at their faces, all the three of them seemed to want that, they could never stop Greyback with so many werewolves around them, they would only get themselves killed and Remus didn’t want that. After some times which seemed more than a minute, the pain started fading away and he started seeing dark spots everywhere, though before fainting completely he heard Greyback whispering into his cheek “you used to smell better as a kid but you still taste the same”

**************************************************************

After spending three days in Greyback’s nasty hellhole, tied up to a wooden chair, Remus started to wonder if Jonathan was right and Remus was never going to go out again. The thought of running away never even crossed his mind once, he made sure to keep his head clear of it. He found himself lucky that Greyback only discovered his identity and nothing else. Remus once again explained the things the way Dumbledore told him and made sure to consider everything that Kane taught him including a consistent rhythm of blinking, steady breathing, talking with absolute no rush, nevertheless, answering with no delay and of course not looking toward the door. In the time when Greyback wasn’t around he repeated those things in his head lest he should make a mistake. Off and on, he saw different faces sneaking through the door, looking at him for a short time before running back hastily and closing the bedroom’s door again, altogether four little boys, one with black hair and brown eyes, two blond boys with red cheeks, one with blue eyes and one with amber eyes and a black boy who had curly hair and always smiled at Remus before his friends pulled him back and closed the door. Besides them, he always heard a girl complaining about her friends bothering the man on the chair and disobeying their father’s orders.

“for 1000th time, he’s not our father Tracy!” said one of the boys

Remus, who knew the amount of kidnapped children was 7, had few assumptions on the other two missing kids. The first one, which Remus considered to be the most reasonable possibility was that they couldn’t survive the bite (he remembered from reading many books and essays that the bite doesn’t change all the people, it could also kill them, it usually kills the people who have a disease and therefore a weak body but that doesn’t make it any less life threatening for everyone else). Remus, who felt guilty for those children and their parents, tried to control his emotions. While he was alone, it was hard not to get drown in thoughts, it was hard not to hear the voice in his head which called him a monster before breaking him into thousand pieces, it was hard not to think about what his friends were doing without him. To whom would Lily unburden herself? Who was there for James to support him no matter what? Who was there to listen to Peter whining about Sirius and James underestimating him? and in the end, who was there to kiss and hold Sirius tightly in his arms? Who was there to praise him every day, tell him he loves him? After some time, Remus started to wonder if it was the other way around, if Lily was the one listening to him whenever he wanted to get something off his chest, whether it was James who used to support him no matter what (did he also think Remus is the spy?). Wasn’t Remus the one always groaning about Sirius and James doing stupid stuff next to Peter? And at last, wasn’t it Sirius who used to kiss every part of Remus, touching his scars, reminding him he’s beautiful and loved? 

He closed his eyes before they could get wet from tears, now was not the time. Never in his life had the silence bothered him that much. It was a trick, Remus thought, a way to finally finish him off. the peace, it was enough to drive Remus mad. Sitting there with a lump in his throat, trying to fight back tears, while the world was falling apart, he heard the front door getting opened. He recognized the heavy steps that belonged to no one but Greyback. Whenever the massive werewolf walked inside, the rooms would get even more quiet, the children would stop playing and only sit in the corner, hoping the huge man wasn’t there for them but for the young man on the chair. Greyback, who was now walking towards Remus with a knife, hid something behind him, which Remus assumed was his wand. Remus, who started panicking as he saw the big knife, tried to steady his breathing and saw Greyback putting a tray with a cup of water and some little slices of meat on the ground, he warned Remus not to do anything stupid as he cut the robe with the knife and freed Remus after three days. Apparently he started to believe Remus was as harmless as he showed. However, he said he has a feeling in his stomach that Remus was not completely telling the truth. Remus remembered him telling these exact words ‘god help you if you’re as scoundrel and fool as your disgusting little father, Lupin. Give me a reason and I shall send your bones to Lyall and give your meats to all the werewolves so they all enjoy the meal. Trick me and I’ll cut your throat and bring those eyes out and smash them in my hand’ Remus who was ready for such threats, only concentrated on his blinking and made sure Greyback wouldn’t know he’s scared, courage was all he needed.

After freeing him from the robs, Greyback walked out of bedroom looking alarmed, Remus immediately started scratching his body and then quickly dragged the tray to himself and started to drink and put two slices of meat in his mouth, while he was chewing he heard Greyback talking to the children and some sounds like sobbing. He walked slowly towards the door, made sure not to make any noises. He stood there and tried to listen what Greyback was telling them.

“… please sir I’m so hungry”

“I… want… my mum”

“say that again and I’ll hang you, upside down, on a tree for one week”

“but my stomach hurts”

“enough chatter, there are two trays for the four of you, only two get to eat and they’ll have to fight for it! If you lose you don’t eat”

Tracy who was in Greyback’s arm was eating her own meal and smiling at the boys. All four boys hesitated, they clearly didn’t want to fight but they were pondering and considering the situation. There was a matter of time before one of the four hungry 5-year-old boys picked up the struggling. There was a silence for a few seconds, in which Remus held his breath, after that he heard cries and yells, all the four boys were pushing each other, and jumping on each other it looked like none of them really knew how to fight, they were only faking the sound of it

“disgusting” Remus heard Greyback’s voice “that’s it! You fight like silly girls, use your damn fist and teeth”

“but mum says biting is not good”

“well I show you why biting is good, I'm taking this food away you arseholes! None of you get to eat tonight, you’ll see after a week how your desire to bite one another would increase”

“what does increase mean?”

“it means that you idiots are going to eat each other for the meal unless you fight like big men”

“ewww gross”

“how do old men fight father?” Remus heard Tracy

“that’s a very good question daughter… let me show you”

Remus heard steps getting closer and he immediately jumped back, sitting on the floor next to his tray

“Lupin, get your arse out”

Remus hesitated for a moment but he didn’t want to pull back. He knew Greyback wished to use him as an example for the children but he was in no condition to fight. After Greyback’s claws sank in Remus’ old bite mark, the wound only got worse and started infecting, Remus didn’t know the reason why his wound was reacting that way but he also didn’t have his wand to heal it, he trusted Kane to take care of his wand, because no one would dare to search him.

After a deep breath, he walked outside hesitant, Greyback was smirking at him, the children, who were shorter than Greyback’s knees, were watching him with open mouth. They probably didn’t expect him to be so small compare to the giant werewolf who had his claws out and had tied him up to the chair.

“Surely Lupin, your pathetic father has taught you how to fight” 

Remus slowly shook his head but Greyback was looking at the children

“look what happens to a werewolf who has raised without a pack” Greyback had a gruff voice which was very breathy, no other werewolf he knew had a rough voice like that “you’ll praise me later, they all do” he turned to Remus, who looked pale and was trying to remember how to make a fist the way James once taught him. Should the thumb be in or out? “Now to show you, how modest and honorable your father is, I’ll let Lupin start the first move” 

Remus finally decided that the thumb should be out and he took a final look on the children who were all staring at him

“Come on Lupin, show me what you got”

Remus’ eyes followed the door unintentionally, that was his first mistake, he immediately looked back into Greyback’s eyes

“Just like I thought, coward as your father and worthless like your mother”

The anger overwhelmed Remus and he forgot everything he’d learnt, he just wanted to hurt Greyback, he didn’t care that the kids were watching, his fist met Greyback’s jaw as strong as it could and Greyback had to take two steps back, Remus was going for the second hit when Greyback’s fingers seized his fist and twisted it behind his back, Remus made a hoarse cry and tried to free himself while Greyback hold his hand back and pressed it so powerfully that Remus heard a crack, Greyback held his whole body from behind tightly and kicked his legs so he fell on his knees, then he grabbed Remus’ neck and pushed it forward to ground, Remus head hit the cold ground and he tasted blood in his mouth, Greyback hit his head couple more times, the blood was overall on Remus’ face and he started getting unconscious. But Greyback wouldn’t let him have his peace, Remus felt Greyback climbing on top of him, he took Remus’ other arm as well and held both of his hand in his grip, Remus ribs started to hurt even more and he was sure his wound was bleeding again, it was getting harder to breath but not harder than what happened next. Greyback grabbed a handful of Remus hair and yanked his head back making his throat extending so far he started suffocating.

“tell me Lupin, should I take you right here in front of the children?”

Remus couldn’t talk and was only concentrating on his breathing, he started to move madly but Greyback’s body was so heavy that all the struggling couldn’t work

“oh Remus you have no idea how much I want Lyall to be here” Greyback laughed with desire “his stupid face would be so amusing if he saw me using his little twink one more time… you fight like little girls… may as well be fucked like one-”

Before he could finish his words Remus used all the powers he’d left to turn around and kick Greyback’s balls with his knee. though he couldn’t feel his face or hands, his legs were still working, he quickly stood up and started kicking Greyback, who was still in pain, again. He kicked his stomach once and then pushed Greyback’s head down with the bottom of his foot, after that he couldn’t stop himself, he only kicked Greyback few more times, even though he heard Tracy crying and hiding behind one of the boys, then two arms pulled him back, a werewolf called Waldo held him back while Jonathan appeared in front of him and started hitting him strongly in his chest for a whole good minute

“that’s enough” Greyback was back on his feet again but Jonathan didn’t stop, as the matter of fact it looked like hurting Remus was something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. Not much later, other werewolves walked inside of Greyback’s cottage. Badru immediately took Jonathan away from Remus while Kane freed Remus from Waldo’s arms. Other werewolves were all looking at Greyback to see what their alpha had to say. Greyback walked slowly towards Jonathan who was looking down

“I thought I said enough”

“I know father, forgive me father”

Greyback then slowly walked towards Remus who was resting on Kane

“Are you going to kill him sir?” Remus was too dizzy to recognize who was asking

“kill him?” Greyback laughed and shook his head “he just showed me he’s got guts. Now I know he’s useful”

“Sir I don’t understand” said Mike 

“Had it been any of you here tonight, you wouldn’t have stopped me from doing what I was going to do to him” he took Remus chin and raised his head “still fight like a little girl though” 

“What could he possibly be useful for other than being a bitch?” Jonathan asked

“he might join us on our next attack” Greyback smirked. Remus’ heart dropped

“join us?” Kane asked while still holding most of Remus’ weight “don’t you think sir that it is a little too soon to trust a stranger joining us on such an important operation. He might ruin the mission; I’ve never seen a leader make such a risky decision”

“unlike your previous coward leader who called himself your alpha, I have no fear of taking risks… as the matter of fact I don’t have to think about for much longer, it’s settled, he’s going with us”

Kane, who seemed to have reached his propose, smiled winningly, which was only visible for Remus. Gaining Greyback’s trust on Remus only by saying that his old alpha wouldn’t have approved it, was indeed a great plan but Remus still believed he did the most of the job. After that Greyback took all his werewolves outside, Remus whispered to the boys that there was another tray in the bedroom and that they could now share their food because Greyback seemed to be too busy with making plans that he completely forgot about them, he then walked outside as well with Kane and Timmy holding each of his sides.

***************************************************************************

The plan was perfect. Kane was the one sneaking out and meeting McGonagall this time, it was risky for Remus to do it. He sent a patronus while Kane, Timmy and Badru made sure no one would disturb him to set up a meting. Badru wanted to be the one going instead of Kane, so he’d be the one facing the threat but Kane said he wouldn’t let that. 

While all the werewolves were joining the attack, only one man was supposed to stay back and watch over the children. Managing one werewolf out of way wasn’t difficult for two aurors and one professor.

While Frank, Alice and McGonagall had to rescue the children, Remus, Kane, Timmy and Badru were on their ways with the rest of the werewolves attacking an empty place which was surrounded by the greatest aurors of the ministry plus Albus Dumbledore. Greyback and his right hand werewolves would be captured and the destiny of the others will be decided based on their actions. Two days later a secret letter was given to them by a familiar cat, a promise from Dumbledore that if the mission end up successfully, Kane, Timmy and Badru will be immediately free and could go back to their normal life. this was the first time Remus saw the three werewolves, even Badru, smiling from the bottom of their hearts. Kane thanked Remus by clapping on his shoulder, his eyes full of tears for the first time, and Remus couldn’t help but to smile. 

As easy as it sounded, it was still very stressful for all the four of them, Timmy especially looked more pale than ever. Remus’ wand was given to McGonagall by Kane so that there would be nothing for Greyback to find out in the last moments. They were all certain that the plan would work so none of them was worried about Remus not having his wand.   
On the night of attack, all of them were so stressed that they kept distance from each other and didn’t talk so they wouldn’t draw any attention to their little group, eventually they started marching away from camp, Remus hadn’t seen Kane, Badru or Timmy for over an hour, after walking for almost fifteen minutes, Kane appeared next to him out of nowhere.

“Timmy’s missing” he whispered to Remus

“what?” Remus whispered back

“Badru says he can’t find him anywhere”

“what should we do now?”

“hshhh… don’t worry, he must be here” Kane hushed him “are you scared?”

“a little” Remus nodded

“don’t worry it will be alright, I won’t let anything bad happen to you”

“I’m not worried about myself”

Kane smiled

Badru also showed up next to Kane whispering

“something is wrong” he said

“did something happen?” Remus asked

“no… I just feel it. I can smell it”

“you too?” Remus turned to Kane, his face was calm but he didn’t answer and Remus was sure he was feeling it too

After taking few more steps, suddenly all the werewolves in front of them stopped walking and turned around, facing the three of them. 

“What’s going on?” Kane asked, none of them answered. For few seconds everything they heard was the sound of them breathing until they all walked aside to free the way for Greyback. Remus couldn’t see his face in the dark. He started to walk towards them, slowly. A horse laugh came and Remus started to shiver. Kane also took a step forward and stood in front of Badru and Remus. Remus felt a gaze from bushes, a second later he heard a rustling of leaves, some trees started moving. Two men appeared behind Greyback carrying something heavy with them.

“I told you what I’d do to you if you ever tried to trick me Lupin”

Remus’ whole body was cold, he looked to his right, Badru had his fist ready, in front of him something silvery shined, Kane had a silver knife hidden behind him, but he didn’t take it out, not yet

“Why waiting so long to say it Fenrir? If you’re so sure, couldn’t you question him while we were back in the camp? We’re in the middle of something important here”

Greyback laughed again

“You know something about wizards Kane?” Remus eyes grew wide while Greyback talked to Kane like they were having a morning discussion “they have tones of tricks in their sleeves. I’ve seen a lot of them to know that they’re all despicable and sly. You know one of their tricks, Kane?” Greyback continued without waiting for an answer “they can disapparate in one place and transfer their whole body to somewhere else, am I right Lupin?” again Greyback didn’t wait for Remus’ answer “however, I’ve been told that this action can be restricted like some special places in Scotland” Greyback grinned and Remus started to realize why, he couldn’t apparate himself, he couldn’t run. “this restriction couldn’t be done around the camp, because the presence of the death eaters responsible for that charm would have informed you of my plans. So here we are and you have just walked in my trap”

“What makes you so sure that Remus is a wizard? Werewolves shouldn’t be allowed to learn magic, wrong? or you’re telling me that he learnt sorcery the way you did? In that case, can you do any apparation?”

“don’t play me with your words, Kane! I know how you do your charms. You want to know why I’m so sure, you want to see it with your own eyes?”

Kane hesitated but finally nodded

“I warned you, Kane” Greyback smiled and pointed to the men behind him to show them what they were carrying. They walked towards Kane, Remus and Badru “I didn’t want to tear another throat in front you, not a friend anyways”

As the two giant men came close them, Remus finally saw what they were carrying, whom they were carrying. They threw him in front of Kane’s knees, the boy was looking down, but Remus could see his face now which was cut with dozens of scars, his nose was broken and he had black eyes. The two werewolves who Remus now recognized to be Ash and Drake were still holding his arms.

“Kane” Remus could barely hear him with all his whimpering noises. Timmy looked up, he was crying “I didn’t want to- I’m s-sorry brother, I’m so s-sorry, he f-forced me, I couldn’t, I didn’t… I-” 

Greyback grabbed his head and yanked it back, he touched Timmy’s throat with his claws, held him right in front of Kane 

“What are you doing?” Timmy cried “you promised you wouldn’t kill me”

“how can I ever trust a traitor who’d sell out his own brothers”

“please- please- I’ll do anything…” Timmy cried “please I don’t wanna die… I don’t wanna die”

“you got everything you needed. Now let him go, he’s just a child Fenrir” Badru begged

“K-Kane… please h-help me… I don’t wanna go” Timmy reached his hands to get Kane’s clothes, Kane just looked at him shocked “please broth-” Greyback’s claws sank into his skin and tore his throat apart, blood spread everywhere, on their clothes and faces, Remus got sick and started throwing up, Kane was still looking down shocked

“you bastard” Badru yelled but before he could make any moves, he was stopped by Kane

“it’s Déjà vu isn’t it, Kane?”

“go on then, why don’t you finish off all of us?”

“oh I will. But first you must know how much you’ve lost tonight” Greyback smiled “I must thank you Remus! thanks to you, I have earned dark lord’s complete trust. While your wizard friends are planning to ambush us, a group of death eaters lead by dark lord himself is waiting there to put them down all”

Remus’ horrified expression was enough to give Greyback to joy he needed. 

“While two of my best men are staying in camp with three other death eaters to set up a trap for your other little friends” Greyback grinned, clearly enjoying himself “you were so stressed out tonight, you didn’t realize that Jonathan and Mike are missing?” 

“What do you want from me?” Remus asked “I’ll do anything just don’t hurt them”

A ripple of smothered laughter circled the room

“isn’t it cute, how he begs?” Greyback said “why don’t you get on your knees and show me how far you’re really whiling to go?”

A roaring sound came from far-off, it drew all the attention to itself. Remus saw the lights of a car as it braked and made a loud grinding noise down the road, the road was not so far away from them, five minutes’ walk maybe. Someone opened the car’s door and started yelling

“REMUS COME ON RUN!”

It was Alice

Greyback made a move to reach to Remus but Kane immediately jumped on him, the two men started rolling over each other and both fell down, Greyback might have been stronger but Kane was angrier. other werewolves took their knife out and were ready to fight, Kane as well reached to his back and took his silvery knife out.

“Go, I hold them off” Kane yelled

“No!” Remus yelled “I won’t leave you”

“Badru, run and take Remus with you. that’s an order”

“but Kane” Badru cried

“I SAID GO”

“RUN” Alice was screaming “FASTER” 

Remus never remembered running that fast in his life, Badru was also running next to him, behind them some werewolves managed to run after them, Remus heard someone howling from behind but before he could turn his head, Badru yelled and told him not to look back because it’ll slow him off. They jumped in the car and McGonagall immediately locked the doors with her wand. Frank hit the gas, a sudden roar came, the werewolves who had reached to car, tried to stop it with their claws, it made a horrible noise but it was too late, the car hit the road.

***************************************************************

For few seconds all they could do was breathing loudly, McGonagall had her arms around Remus and was murmuring some stuff with her wand. Badru hid his face in his hands. next to Alice five children were sitting quietly and were watching him open-mouthed. The children were saved, Frank, Alice and McGonagall succeeded saving them even though two werewolves and three death eater were there expecting them.

“we have to go back” Remus’ face was wet from tears 

None of them said anything

“I said we must go back” Remus cried “we have to help Kane”

“there’s no one left to help Remus” Badru said, his voice sounded like he was also crying

“no, he’s not dead. We must go back for him”

“they got him Remus, we saw it” McGonagall said softy

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU SAW! HE’S NOT DEAD, WE CAN’T LEAVE HIM, WE MUST GO BACK”

“he’s gone Remus” McGonagall held him tightly, like she was expecting him to do something stupid and jump out “if we go back now, his death will be for nothing” a sound of sobbing came from Badru’s side “calm down boy, it’s over, you’re safe” 

**************************************************************

When Remus woke up the other day, he couldn’t recognize where he was, he only recognized the face that was looking at him

“I was just going to wake you” Madam Pomfrey smiled at him “I made a potion that’ll get you up”

“Where am I?” Remus asked

“at my house” she smiled

“Where is everyone?”

“McGonagall and Dumbledore are outside, Dumbledore just came. Your friend is in the yard, he didn’t mention his name, he wanted to be alone. The children are eating the candies I gave them earlier”

“Frank and Alice?”

“I think Dumbledore should be the one explaining the rest”

“What day it is? How long have I been asleep?”

“it’s Wednesday, October 28. You came here yesterday at midnight. It’s 7 p.m. now”

Remus closed his eyes, remembering the events of yesterday

“I’ll send Dumbledore in. sit and drink this. I also saved a chocolate frog for you to eat after, children ate them all, they’re muggles… you have no idea how much it amused them” Pomfrey smiled and left. A minute later, Dumbledore walked inside, he was wearing a smile though he looked pale

“I’m sorry Professor” Remus said ashamed “it was my fault... How many dead?”

“the attack yesterday was not your fault, Remus.” Dumbledore sat on the bed 

“Sir, will you… please… explain everything that happened?”

McGonagall also walked in, looking concerned, Dumbledore looked at her questionably

“I thought I better help”

“of course, Minerva” Dumbledore smiled “Remus was just asking me to tell him the last night’s event”

She nodded and sat on a chair next to the bed

“you remember being in the car?” she asked, Remus nodded “well, last night after we reached to a zone that we could manage an apparation, we apparated here. Poppy took us in-”

“why can’t I remember this?”

“because-” she looked apologizing to Remus “because I put you to sleep to pacify you”

she paused and then continued

“after we arrived here, Frank and Alice immediately disapparate to join Dumbledore and the others to fight the death eaters” McGonagall was fighting tears and it was the first time Remus ever saw her like that “I would’ve gone with them but Poppy needed my help… I couldn’t just leave her with all this, we stayed back to calm the children and gave them something to eat. I had no idea of what- of-” McGonagall burst into tears

“Frank and Alice showed up, last night. But I didn’t see them, I was dueling with Voldemort, after Voldemort saw that none of us was winning he made an explosion… many people got injured even some of his own people were left behind… we started cleaning the rubble after Voldemort and few of his men disappeared… we found no sign of Frank and Alice anywhere”

Remus felt his own eyes getting wet

“I went to Mrs. Longbottom this morning, promised we’ll do everything to find them… until then little Neville is staying with her”

“it’s my fault” Remus said

“Remus, no one could have predicted it”

“did anyone else…” 

“Alastor saw Benjy dueling with Rupert Wilkes, he fired a basting curse, Benjy didn’t have enough time to reverse it”

“oh god…” Remus covered his face with his hands

Dumbledore rested a hand on his shoulders. “you can go back to your friends tonight if you want to. I’ll find the children’s parents and bring them back, it’s probably better if I explain them the whole situation, after all, not all the muggles know what a werewolf is”

“no, I’ll stay… I have no better place to go. I want to help you with the children and also find the death eaters who took Alice and Frank away"

“You sure you don’t want to go home?” Dumbledore asked softly “Sirius has been looking everywhere for you”

“I have no home sir” Remus looked down “I have no home”

************************************************************ 

The next day they went to the different addresses to give the children back to their parents, Badru also wanted to go with them. Dumbledore stayed for almost two hours in each house explaining the matter to the crying mums and concerned fathers, Badru and Remus explained them their condition in good ways. It turned out that one of the boys’ parents used to work at the kindergarten and were killed on the day of the attack them. Badru said he has a step sister living in Ireland and that she’d probably be happy to see him after years, he asked Dumbledore if he could adopt the boy and take care of him. After not finding any relatives for the boy, Dumbledore asked Remus if Badru could be trusted and when Remus nodded, Dumbledore finally agreed to it.

The night Badru left, he and Remus had a very long chat in Poppy’s yard with tones of drinks, Badru made Remus promise that he’d visit him in Ireland and Remus said he wouldn’t miss the chance.

When Alice and Frank were finally found, they were immediately sent to St. Mungo, Remus didn’t get the chance to see them, he only heard about the things that happened to them, he stayed in that city hunting some of the death eaters that had run off. He successfully arrested two of those death eaters with the help of Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick, who also decided to join them; Antonin Dolohov and Augustus Rookwood.

On the night of Halloween after giving some candies to the neighbors' kids, he found an owl coming inside from the open window with an envelope addressed to him from Albus Dumbledore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh like I said I couldn't write the rest.   
We'll go back to Remus and Sirius in next chapter!  
I hope you've enjoyed the story so far  
as always, kudos and comments will be appreciated


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back to number 12, Grimmauld Place :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you should probably read chapter 18 again if you don't remember where we left.  
and if you don't wanna, let me remind you of Sirius' drug use :)))

No matter how much he tried, Remus couldn’t sleep that night. After an hour of struggling in bed he finally decided that it was better to go out of the room, he had to get distracted from the thoughts and library was probably the best place. he walked out in the dark, holding a handful of flames, and headed downstairs, the house was dead silent. Remus picked up few books and stayed up all night finding potions that could help Sirius quitting. The Black’s library was very ancient, even Remus had troubles understanding the instruction of the potions and the required materials, from what he could tell most of the potions on those old books couldn’t help Sirius at all, since Remus was not looking for a way to purge Sirius’ mind and discharge any dark souls from his body. The rest of the potions were also either out of Remus’ league or barely powerful enough to clean the blood. Remus considered asking Snape for the right potion, but Sirius would probably prefer Remus sucking out his soul with those potions rather than asking Snape for help, so Remus, determined to find the right potion alone, continued reading more books until he heard few steps. He heard some giggling noises and recognized Molly’s voice 

“hush slow down we don’t want to wake anyone-”

“oh, I missed you Mollywobbles-”

Remus coughed as loud as he could, the last thing he needed was witnessing Molly and Arthur’s intercourse; he heard something crashing and a groan followed.

“Oh… good morning Remus”

“good morning Arthur” Remus hid his face behind one of the books

“why up so early? It’s only 5 a.m.” the anger in Arthur's voice made Remus feeling a little guilty

“I- I couldn’t sleep” Remus stood up to go back to his room “I was about to leave though”

“no dear” Molly blushed “Arthur had to go to work early. Would you join us for breakfast?”

Since Remus didn’t want to make Molly blush, even more, he shook his head “there are few things I have to show Sirius… I’ll catch up with you later”

As he was about to walk on the third floor, Mad-Eye appeared in front of him “Lupin! Good! you’re up! Let’s leave now”

“leave? Where?”

“still asleep, are you?” Mad-Eye said hoarsely “to privet drive of course”

Remus had completely forgotten that “yes, right, to watch over Harry- I- um- give me a minute, I’ll see you downstairs”

“What’s that book in your hand?”

“nothing” Remus hid the book behind his back “enjoy the breakfast”

He walked fast into Sirius’ bedroom, Sirius was asleep though he still had his clothes on, even his coat. Remus gently pulled out Sirius’ shoes and pulled the blanket over him. He took few gallons and left a note for Sirius to inform him, he then wrote all the required materials for the potion on a parchment and headed down

************************************************

Five days later Harry was finally at Grimmauld place, they brought him here unharmed and with him being around, Sirius’ mood changed as well. Though he was still grumpy because of the daily potion Remus gave him and all the drugs Remus threw away, but he was deeply happy that his godson was around. And Remus was relieved as well, he had spent so much time at home with Sirius to keep him a company. With Harry’s presence, Sirius wouldn’t miss him if he stayed out for long, he could be useful for the order now. 

The number of people staying in Grimmauld place was increasing as well, since most of them shouldn’t leave alone at nights and they didn’t want to draw any attention to the place with the constant coming and goings, everyone usually slept there. In conclusion, Remus and Sirius had to share their room with others and Sirius was the unhappiest one about it. Remus knew what made Sirius most uncomfortable was the nightmares and sleepless nights and the fact that Moody usually stayed in his room made the situation even worse, especially when quitting drugs made Sirius feeling cold and shivering all day. “it’s like he’s watching me the whole night” Sirius said while shuddering “he suspects me” 

“What can we do?” Remus laughed “this place might be a palace but that’s all the room we have”

“well there’s a way” 

“What?”

Sirius paused “never mind, you probably wouldn’t do it” 

Remus didn’t get the chance to ask anything further as they walked into the kitchen, he sat down next to Tonks who was pointing at the chair next to her as soon as Remus entered the kitchen. he followed Sirius with his eyes who passed by Molly to sit next to Harry. Ever since the conflict that night Harry came, Molly and Sirius had this tension between them, both seemed not to forgive each other but they both spoke politely, which Remus found enough. 

*********************************

“nervous?” asked Remus who was lying on the floor next to Sirius' bed. They both thought it’s the best if Remus was the one sharing rooms with Sirius so Mad-Eye wouldn’t discover Sirius’ secrets and Sirius could be comfortable in his own bedroom.

“hmm?” Sirius murmured 

“I asked if you were nervous”

Sirius looked down from his bed

“for Harry’s hearing?” Sirius shook his head “I’m just a little worried about him, that’s it”

“me too,” Remus said quietly “I know you want him around but it’s the best for him to go to Hogwarts”

“you don’t think I’d want him expelled only out of boredom?”

“no, not what I meant,” Remus said abruptly “it’s just- it’s gonna get quiet again when the children leave, I don’t want you to feel de-”

“Devastated? Desperate? Depressed?”

“well… yeah”

“I’m already feeling these Re”

Remus sighed, not finding anything to stay. Sirius moved to the edge of the bed, facing Remus in the dark

“it’s kind of weird isn’t it?” said Sirius changing the subject 

“what?” 

“you know, having a king-size bed and having you lay down on the cold ground,” Sirius said softly “why don’t you come up? I don’t want to hear you complaining about your back pain in future”

“Nah it’s fine” 

“come on Remus, I’m only concerned about your back”

“Did you also propose your gentle offer to Mad-Eye?”

Sirius giggled “now imagine that”

“What time is it?” Remus asked to avoid the further conversation

“half-past three” Sirius answered “tired?”

“yes… can’t sleep though”

“Should we head down?” Sirius asked “we could watch some TV till the others wake up”

“Nah, here’s fine” Remus made himself more comfortable on the ground “we’ll wake the others”

“what are your plans for tomorrow?”

“nothing… I’ll stay here waiting with you”

“nice,” Sirius said “I was hoping we could continue our practices. I missed bringing you to your knees” it was dark, but Remus could see Sirius smirking “besides, it’ll keep us distracted”

“I’d love to see who beats whom”

“that’s the spirit”

They stayed up all night, mostly listened to each other’s breaths, sometimes talking shortly. 

“Re?” Sirius whispered at some time past 4 

“hmm?” Remus mumbled, his eyes closed.

“nothing just- just- I can’t help it- when I’m up at nights, so many thoughts cross my mind. I want to know about your past. Everything that happened to you in these past 14 years, I need to know- I can’t have peace until I know… and you’re taking so much time for speaking up to me that I’m beginning to think the worst”

“nothing happened to me worse than what you’ve been through,” Remus said sadly “and I will, Pads, I’ll tell you one day, now it’s not the time. Don’t keep your mind busy with this matter, now there are more important things to be concerned about”

It was almost quarter to five when both men walked into the kitchen, Remus made them both some coffee, a few minutes later Tonks walked inside, yawning. When Molly and Arthur joined the table, Molly immediately started preparing breakfast for Harry and rejected Tonks’ offer for help. When Harry stepped into the kitchen, looking pale and stressed, everyone tried to cheer him up, though the boy was too disturbed to talk, he only nodded. even when Tonks assured him that Amelia Bones, who will be the one questioning Harry is a fair person and Remus said that the law is on his side, the boy only weakly smiled

“You’ll be all right, Harry” said Tonks, patting Harry on the arm  
“Good Luck,” said Remus “I’m sure it will be fine”  
“And if it’s not,” said Sirius grimly “I’ll see to Amelia Bones for you….”

**************************** 

“all right then where should we start?” Sirius asked. Harry had left with Arthur about an hour ago and everyone else got themselves busy with house cleaning to be distracted. Remus and Sirius hid themselves in the library. they both hated the chores and wanted to distract themselves in other ways like duelling.

“don’t know! You still need to perform your Patronus-”

“no, not that. I was hoping we could duel”

“all right” said Remus circling his shoulders “fine with me”

“I’ll go easy on you sweetheart”

“no, you won’t” smirked Remus at the same time as he yelled “Expelliarmus!” 

“hey!! You cheated” said Sirius offended, though slightly smiling “we must bow first! Forgotten your manners, have you, Lupin?”

“what, Black? Sorry can’t hear your from down there”

“Okay, haha, funny, now give my wand back”

The next time one of them was down, took a few long minutes, until Sirius’ spell crashed into one of the bookshelves and it fell on Remus’ head

“Owww!”

“are you all right?” asked Sirius concerned 

“yeah I’m fine” Remus rubbed his head “what’s this?” Remus knelt and took a piece of parchments that fell out from one of the books. Sirius walked closer to check it. 

“What is it?” asked Remus as he saw Sirius’ eyebrows pulling in together

“Regulus’ handwriting” Remus could barely hear Sirius’ voice coming from deep of his throat

“What does it sa-?” before Remus could finish, Sirius threw the parchment at him and turned around quickly

“put it back”

Remus looked over the letter

Dear Sirius,  
Mother has banned me from any further communication between us, I hope you’ll get this. Father’s sick and mom is blaming you for it. I need you here Sirius, I wish you hadn’t abandoned us, we’re your family, brother, and family always comes first doesn’t it?

Remus didn’t read the rest “did you get this?”

“no, they must have stopped him from sending it,” Sirius said coldly “but I got other letters like that… that wasn’t the only letter he wrote trying to convince me to come back”

“all right?”

“Yeah… why shouldn’t I be?” Sirius avoided eye-contact “it’s not like I didn’t try to help him”

“It was his choice to stay here, Sirius-”

“was it though?” Sirius shook his head and laughed shortly “maybe I should have tried harder-”

“Sirius, you’re not to be blamed for his decisions!” Remus said certain “is that why you’ve been avoiding everything that has any connection to him in this house? You didn’t disagree with Kreacher leaving that room untouched, you haven’t even gone near it once! And it’s right next to yours and yet-”

“he never liked people sneaking through his stuff” Sirius smiled weakly “even when we were just kids, he was the one visiting my room and playing with my stuff. He had an obsession with keeping his stuff new and untouched. ‘But Sirius if we use my toys, they’ll get old’ he would say”

Remus smiled “it’s okay to miss him, Sirius”

“I’ve been missing a lot of things these days,” Sirius said almost too quiet for Remus to hear “all right then, let’s start again, shall we?”

Remus nodded and put the fallen books back

they stopped after almost an hour, both tired and sweating

“boy you’re getting harder to beat every day”

Sirius chuckled “as I recall you didn’t beat me at all- unless you count the time you cheated”

“He got off! He got off! He got off!” the sound was coming from outside the library

“is that,” Sirius began to say

“Harry must be back with good news” Remus smiled, Sirius jumped out of his chair and walked outside

*************************

“I was hoping,” said Tonks who was sitting next to Remus and Sirius during lunch “since Arthur is covering me up tonight, we could spend some time together” 

She was mainly looking at Remus though, though Remus assumed Sirius, who was looking over at his godson talking joyfully with Ron and Hermione, was also part of the “we”

“I- sure- I guess,” Remus said “I mean it’s not like Sirius and I have anything else to do”

Sirius turned his head at his name and smiled, but it was clear that he had no clue of what they’ve been talking

“I- oh,” said Tonks almost disappointed for a moment, though she put her smile back immediately “well… lovely! I’ll go get some drinks after lunch”

“uh… no drinks” Remus said awkwardly “Sirius and I made a resolution to drink less”

“oh,” Tonks who failed to cover her disappointment this time smiled weakly

Remus looked away guiltily 

“I mean we don’t have to get drunk” Tonks objected “just to warm up a little bit, right Sirius?”

“absolutely” said Sirius 

“you don’t even know what we’re talking about!” Remus frowned

“doesn’t matter” Sirius winked at Tonks “lady is right”

Tonks showed a thumb up “to celebrate Harry’s acquittal!” Harry, whose mood had completely lightened up smiled at them

“well,” Remus looked uncertain but finally gave in “all right”

************************

Kingsley also arrived and decided to join the three at night, they sat around the table, in the kitchen. Children had all gone to their beds. Remus considered asking Molly to join them but it was the best if she didn’t, he wanted Sirius to have a fun night, though Bill showed up later, waving at everyone.

“mind if I join you?”

“not at all” Sirius smiled and offered him a sit “please”

“We were just about to make a toast for today’s events,” said Tonks excited

“you know, Dora,” said Kingsley “when you asked Arthur to cover you up for tonight, I thought you wanted to rest”

“well,” Tonks blushed “I do need the rest, I’m so tired, night shifts and I don’t get along well” she took a quick look on Remus, which Sirius almost missed “I kinda needed a night off as well”

“and you couldn’t use it better somewhere else rather than here with us?”

“Sirius!” Remus glared at him

“What?” said Sirius innocently “I’m just wondering… a girl like her being beautiful and attractive as she is, has certainly better places to be- I myself at her age-”

“were in Azkaban”

“thanks Remus, I’d completely forgotten that!” Sirius rolled his eyes “just saying, if I were still the young handsome and free Sirius Black, I would certainly not spend my night off here”

“might forgive Sirius, he’s very frank and proud”

“well are you denying the fact that I was handsome, my dear old friend?”

Remus shook his head and drank some firewhiskey “no, but-”

“Was I not the centre of attention in every room?”

“you’re overdoing it” 

“Well, dear cousin, you do certainly have the look!” said Sirius

“you mean your look?” Bill interrupted him “we all know how Blacks all look alike”

“True,” Sirius winked at him “you do have my blood, cousin. What’s stopping you?”

“well-” Tonks laughed nervously

“you’re annoying her, Sirius,” said Remus

“I see, I’m sure you’ll forgive my curiosity”

“of course, I’m not annoyed. Well I indeed had other things planned for tonight” said Tonks honesty “but the night couldn’t turn out any better! I’ve been meaning to gather around with you fellas for a long time, to get to know you all better”

“well you could imagine what a person I was back then”

“a prat” said Remus

“shut up, Lupin”

“oh, are you denying it Black?”

“Sirius had even a reputation within the Ravenclaws back then,” said Kingsley “I remember all the girls fancied him, boys hated him, I myself didn’t like him very much”

“why?” 

“Well, for one thing, my sister was one of those girls, secondly, your reputation as a heartbreaker had filled the school, couldn’t let her go any around you, now could I?”

“probably not”

“was he really one of those heartbreaker types?” Tonks asked Remus

“well he did break many hearts” Remus answered honest

“Was there anyone special?” asked Tonks excited

Remus coughed, Sirius smiled, Bill, Kingsley and Tonks were looking curious, willing to know who the lucky girl that had managed to steal Sirius’ heart was, or if there was any. Before Sirius could answer, Kingsley did the job

“didn’t you and McKinnon have affair?”

“McKinnon?” Tonks asked “I think I’ve heard the name”

“Marlene McKinnon” Sirius said “she was a close friend”

“Voldemort killed her and her entire family,” said Remus looking down “I remember the last time I saw her, it was after Fab and Gid died,” Remus turned to Bill “your uncles, I was on my way to their house, I was going through a tough time and wasn’t really seeing where I was heading. Then I bumped into her, she invited me over to her house, that was the last time I saw her, her parents, her brother and sisters-”

“Was that the night I-”

“yes” said Remus avoiding Sirius’ eyes

“were you close friends with my uncles?” asked Bill “I have a very dim memory of them”

“well Fabian and Gideon were not less adventurous than Fred and George, always together, inseparable, their parties were unique, though they always kind of ended up babysitting everyone, which is probably their only difference with Fred and George”

“They were very supportive and loyal friends. Their death was a heavy loss for all of us” said Sirius

“you poor thing, Marlene’s death after that must have crushed you,” said Tonks to Sirius

“as I said Marlene and I were close friends and her death did make me miserable, although I had many other things to be miserable about” Sirius eyes fixed on Remus “however, Marlene and I were never a couple” Sirius chuckled at Tonks and Kingsley’s surprised faces “I hooked up with many people, Marlene was never one of them”

“But how could it be”

“The whole school thought Marly and I were together because we had the same energy, however, the truth is, she had figured out a secret of mine and told me a secret of herself, we hanged around a lot but mostly to help each other… you might find it exhausting having girls following you all around the school. she had the same issues with the boys, being who she was all the boys were after her determined to earn her, even Lupin used to blush around her!”

“not because I liked her!” Remus protested “but only because she used to catch me every time something hideous was happening to me which made me look like a disaster”

“really? I always imagined you as a calm boy who always sits in the corner, in school” said Tonks

“oh please! I was friends with Sirius Black and James Potter, something unfortunate always found its way around me”

“you poor thing” 

“Now don’t you imagine for a second that Mister prefect was innocent,” said Sirius, rolling his eyes

“so, if it was not Marlene, who was the one?” Bill asked

“you must have known her too, Remus!” said Tonks

“now calm down,” said Sirius “I never admitted there was anyone special”

“But why do I feel there was?” Tonks raised an Eyebrow

“even if there was someone, you wouldn’t think I have a chance with them after 14 years, do I?”

“hard to imagine,” said Bill

“but possible,” said Kingsley certain “if things turn out well and you get cleared of all charges maybe one day you could reunite with her”

“if she isn’t married already” murmured Tonks

“and if they didn’t want me? if they stopped loving me?”

Bill had a curious look that the two Aurors didn’t, struggling with himself to question something but he didn’t. Remus, who was studying the table, hoped they would change the subject

“time can fix everything,” said Kingsley with a promising tone

“but it can’t put broken pieces back together,” said Remus quietly

After a long pause, Sirius finally decided to change the subject “too much about me. How about everyone else?” he turned to Bill

“well, there’s this girl at work”

“of course there is!” Sirius smirked

“we’ve been dating secretly; I don’t think mum would approve it”

“what does she approve though?” Sirius’ murmur cost him Remus’ glare, though Bill seemed to be deep in thoughts of his girl

“she’s very beautiful and French”

“j'ai hâte de la rencontrer” said Sirius 

“how charming” Tonks laughed

“you speak French?” Bill asked

“still remember the most of it” 

“he used to insult us in French all the time” Remus finally looked at Sirius and he smiled at him

“how about you Remus?” asked Tonks “who was lucky enough to earn your heart?”

“I wouldn’t call the poor thing that turns up with me lucky”

Sirius rolled his eyes “you must know Remus long enough to know about his low self-esteem”

“still,” said Tonks “there must be someone in past 35 years”

Remus could feel Sirius’ gaze on him and avoided looking at his direction. Tonks who realized her question was somehow bothering Remus changed the subject

“It feels weird to have a conversation around this table that isn’t about Voldemort and death eaters” 

“true” Bill nodded

“It reminds me the old time” Sirius said

Remus smiled weakly “we used to gather around all the time after each order's meeting”

“talking about stupid stuff” Sirius added

“getting wasted” Remus finally looked at Sirius

“well here’s a thing! Maybe we were too wasted to win the first time!”

“yeah that’s it” Remus laughed “that’s definitely it!”

“well as long as we’re getting wasted!” said Tonks and took her glass “here’s to friendship!” Remus came to the realization that they’d finished two bottles already, maybe that’s why his heart was pounding too quickly and his face was burning

“oh, I know that phase!” said Sirius “get Moony another shot and he’ll be ready to jump on the table and dance for ya”

“Heyy!!” Remus tried to sound offended but only giggled

“you can’t even imagine how embarrassing he gets!” said Sirius, placing a hand on Remus head and playing with his hair

“he looks quite and sleepy now,” said Tonks

“This is his ‘cute’ phase, yes we have names for each phase, now he’s sleepy and red in the face, another shot and the beast will reveal. That’s when the babysitting starts because if you don’t watch over him, he might even walk in the street naked yelling that he’s a werewolf wizard”

“that never happened”

“because we were there to stop you and because you never remembered a thing the day after”

“all right, Lupin,” said Kingsley concerned, taking away Remus’ glass “enough drink for you”

“hey! I’m fine, I swear!” 

Another half an hour passed with them drinking and laughing, until Bill started feeling sick and almost threw up on the table “let’s get you to your room” Kingsley took Bill’s arm around his neck with Sirius holing his other arm

“bathroom first” Bill hardly managed to say, when the three men walked outside, there was silence for a few seconds until Remus decided to stand up and leave to his room as well

“goodnight, Dora,” he said “it was a lovely night”

“actually,” Tonks stood up as well, looking nervous at Remus her cheeks turning pink “I was hoping we could talk”

“err…” Remus hesitated “sure”

“boy- this is not going to be easy” she laughed nervously and walked slowly towards Remus “I don’t even know where to start”

“has something happened?”

“no! well maybe... I- you probably have figured it out” she stared at Remus’ eyes which were looking at her confused “not?”

“Seriously, I don’t think I could follow your words even if I weren’t drunk”

“oh, I thought maybe drinking could make me come out easier,” Tonks shook her head “Okay, I’m just gonna say it! Father says I should listen to my heart, whatever it says and I think I’m sure about my feelings,” she paused and looked at Remus hoping that Remus got a hint of what she was saying, though Remus tilted his head and continued looking confused

“I- ever since I met you, I had this feeling like- like-” while struggling to speak, Tonks was beginning to get closer to Remus when her foot crashed to the chair’s leg and she fell in Remus’ arms. Remus, being drunk and sleepy, also lost his control and hit the wall

“are you okay?” he asked concerned, he was relieved when he saw Tonks laughing

“Sorry, I’m so clumsy” she looked up at Remus, her face quite close

“it’s all right” he started to pull back and loosen Tonks from his arms, however, Tonks gipped his arms tighter and looked into his eyes

“Remus?” she whispered and moved her hands up around Remus’ neck and before Remus could say any words or react, she pressed their lips together. It was only after a few seconds when Remus came to his sense and pulled back. Tonks closed her eyes again and leaned forward but Remus shook his head and walked back.

“Dora, we shouldn’t” 

“why not?” she asked innocently

“you’re my friend and a good friend. I like you very much, just not in that way” Remus struggled to find better words “I’m sure you also don’t! you’re just drunk and overwhelmed by Sirius’ words tonight.”

“But Remus,”

“This is wrong, I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way” Remus pushed Tonks gently away “and I’m sure tomorrow you also don’t”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I'm having tough days but I still wrote this because I promised. I hope it didn't turn out horribly lol  
Sirius and Remus talk about Tonks in this chapter... but seriously is anyone still reading this?

Over the next few days, Sirius spent the most of the day shutting himself in Buckbeak’s room, avoiding everyone. He was moodier and Remus barely heard two words out of him. At first, Remus thought he was mistaken and that he’d spent a high quality of time watching over Sirius’ every move that he was overreacting. But Sirius wasn’t only avoiding him but everyone, he noticed that on Harry’s disappointed face. First he assumed it might be Harry leaving the house for school that bothered him, Harry seemed to believe that as well since he always looked guiltily at his godfather, However, that wouldn’t explain him avoiding Harry and wasting the little time they had together before Harry’s return to Hogwarts. So, Remus decided that Sirius’ mood was only because of usual reasons such as locking inside the house and quitting drugs but even then, Remus was still unconvinced. 

Sirius wasn’t the only one avoiding Remus over the days, Tonks as well seemed to hide herself from Remus, she barely greeted him when she arrived and she visited the headquarter less and less. Tonks probably figured out, like Remus said, that her feelings were only coming from alcohol and that Remus was the worst choice for her. Remus didn’t want her to feel embarrassed and he would have confronted her and told her that if he hadn’t been so bothered with Sirius’ behaviour. Remus thought it is the best if he left Sirius be for a while, he just made sure that he wasn’t neat any drugs, he searched Sirius’ room when he was with Buckbeak, and although he felt shamed, he was happy to find no drugs. Sirius’ empty potion meant that he was continuing the process. 

“Hey”

Remus was so busy with his thoughts; he didn’t hear anyone coming inside the living room

“Harry! What a pleasant surprise” he smiled “how are you?”

“good” the boy smiled “I’m having a break from all the cleaning”

“don’t tell Molly that but I’ve been avoiding it a lot”

“have you seen Sirius?” 

“probably in his mother’s room, why?”

“nothing… I was hoping I would see him here. He’s been avoiding everyone ever since he heard the news about me-”

“I assure you that he’s as happy as everyone else to know you’d be back to Hogwarts, where you love to be. Now maybe a little less because he won’t see you till Christmas… but he’s happy that you’re happy. His current mood is only due to- well you must know- he’s going through a lot and we haven’t made his life exactly like a paradise- and with “we” I mean the order, not you, you’re all the happiness he has” Remus sighed “After everything that happened to him he doesn’t deserve this-” Remus looked around the nasty room

“Everyone believes he’s-” Harry couldn’t bring himself to say the words “that he’s a bit-”

“Harry-”

“it’s not only Ron’s mom. I feel like everyone agrees on it… even Hermione-”

“Harry-”

“you don’t, do you?”

“no” Remus smiled “I don’t”

Harry looked relieved “but how is it going to help Sirius when everyone near him believes he’s touched in the head?”

“it’s enough for him to know that people who he actually cares about don’t”

Harry smiled

“Besides,” said Remus “not everyone believes that. They simply expect it from a man that has spent 12 years in Azkaban to be insane, they don’t know that Sirius is not just an ordinary man”

“Does he talk about it?” Harry asked “does he share anything about those 12 years?”

“no, he doesn’t. it’s maybe better that way, to think about it less and less” Remus said sadly “even if he would, what is there to share? 12 years is a very long time to spend each day the same”

“I wish there was something I could do for him,” said Harry after a long pause

‘I wish the same Harry’ Remus thought but didn’t say aloud “well stay out of trouble and stay safe, your safety is all he cares about now, what we all do”

“Are there any news?” asked Harry to change the subject “on Voldemort?”

“not anything that’d be interest you”

“and if there was anything would anyone tell me?”

“Now, that’s Sirius’ call to make”

“Harry” Ron called “Booklists have arrived”

“well it was about time” Remus smiled

Harry stood up to leave but at the same time Sirius walked inside, smiling when he saw Harry “hey kid”

“Hi,” Harry said hastily before passing by Sirius to go out

“Woah easy” Sirius took his arm “all right there?”

“Yeah,” Harry said huskily “I’m fine”

“booklists finally arrived,” said Ron

“Okay, I’ll see you two at dinner” Sirius released Harry’s arm

“Yeah,” Harry said and left with Ron

“What was that about?” Sirius finally looked out Remus, who seemed to be looking at him for a while

“you ask?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“how about I answer that with another question… why have you been avoiding us?”

“avoiding?? I wasn’t avoiding!”

“no?”

“well, I was trying to figure something out… is that why Harry’s angry?”

Remus nodded “you have to make up for him, that’s for sure, what’s that thing you were “figuring out”?”

“it doesn’t matter now… the important thing is I figured it out”

“Okay,” Remus said confused “in that case… I’m happy for you I guess”

“and I’m happy for you too… honestly”

Remus looked confused again

“It was unexpected but after I had enough time to absorb it, I’m fine”

“Are you high?”

“What? No!”

“your words don’t make any sense”

“Well, I’m not saying that I wasn’t a little surprised but…. Uh… it’s not like I have any rights to be angry or… well-” Sirius let out his usual barklike laugh “any rights at all… it was the matter of time, I guess I always knew but denied it… to be honest I’m only a bit shocked by your choice… but well who am I to judge? I’m probably the last one who should be allowed to have an opinion on this… but I want you to know that I’m happy if you’re happy and I won’t stand in your ways”

“Sirius, I don’t understand what you’re talking about”

“you don’t have to hide it anymore Remus, I’ve always been quick to find out your secrets, I saw you kissing Tonks”

“always quick on misunderstanding things, that’s what you are!” Remus said a little bit louder than he intended “what you saw was nothing”

“well it certainly didn’t look like “nothing” to me! Come out of it, Remus, I saw what I saw and I had enough time to sort out my feelings, you don’t have to hide it any longer for my sake!”

“Sirius, we kissed, we were drunk, then we stopped because I realized-”

“As you said, there’s no "us" any longer and you deserve to be loved by someone far greater than me,” said Sirius, clearly not listening to Remus “it’s time for us to move on, I’m sorry I was too late to realize that. But if I was in any way holding you back, which it doesn’t seem, or if I was causing you any guilt, you have my permission-”

“Permission?”

“Blessing, call it whatever you want”

“Sirius, I don’t need your blessing because I’m not-”

“And you don’t have to be worried about me handling this badly, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, you took care of all the drugs and wouldn’t let me get near Mundungus, but seriously you don’t need to worry, if anything, I want you to be able to build your own family… even if it’s with Tonks, my cousin’s daughter, my blood… I guess it was kind of obvious the way she looked at you, I was only a bit surprised that you shared her feelings too”

“you didn’t see me stop kissing her?”

“she’s far younger than you and Andromeda’s only child, she might not share my blessing”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A MINUTE?”

In that moment they heard something breaking and both turned their head towards the door. Tonks immediately sat on her knees to clean the mess, she made.

“Sorry, I heard my mother’s name and was about to knock when I-” she took two glass pieces and held them up, looking guiltily at Sirius “hope this wasn’t something important”

Sirius shook his head

“it seems like a bad moment. You both look so-”

“We’re fine” Remus interrupted her

“Yeah, actually we were just talking about you,” said Sirius

“you were?”

“no” Remus glared at Sirius “we were talking about the order, that’s it”

“Remus was just telling me about your feelings for each other”

“he was?”

“I wasn’t,” Remus said abruptly “Sirius, may I speak to you for a moment?”

“not now Moony, I believe Dora came all the way here to speak to you?”

“actually, Molly invited everyone”

“surely it’s rude to keep her waiting” Sirius smiled weakly “I leave you two lovebirds alone” 

Tonks blushed as Sirius passed by her, Remus bit his lips out of anger as his eyes followed Sirius who walked outside the room

“you told Sirius we kissed?”

“I didn’t… he saw us”

“But you told him you have feelings for me?”

“again, he saw something and made a wrong assumption… Dora listen-”

“maybe this is not the place to discuss this” Tonks pointed to Fred and George, who were whispering and giggling in the hallway

“Yeah but there isn’t much to discuss”

“maybe we could see each other tomorrow? Talk over the dinner?”

“Dora-”

“not like a date! Just two friends going out! I think we both need that”

Remus sighed “I guess we could do that”

When he walked in the dining room, he saw a scarlet banner over the heavily laden dinner table, which read Congratulations Ron and Hermione — new Prefects. Sirius was already sitting at the table, next to Mundungus and the Weasley twins, who just walked in there before Remus and Tonks did. Remus sat next to Sirius; however, he didn’t find any opportunity to talk with him until Mundungus got distracted by Fred and George, talking about god knew what. 

“I hope you’re happy with yourself”

“Now why’s that?” Sirius asked looking over at Harry

“Tonks wants me to take her out tomorrow”

“awesome” Sirius said in the horrible hearty voice that did not belong to him “got yourself a date!”

“it’s not a date, or at least that’s what she said”

“I can lend you some money if you’re wondering”

“Sirius, I don’t want to go out with her” Remus whispered angrily “if you’d let me talk, I would’ve told you that-”

Sirius hushed him and pointed Harry who was moving toward them, moving away from Moody’s gaze.

“How is he handling Ron being a prefect?”

“not the way James reacted when he found out you were one!”

Remus smiled “Prongs was happy that he could get off more often, having someone inside the circle as a prefect” he then whispered “and stop comparing the two. Harry must’ve had more expectation from Dumbledore after all he did since he started at Hogwarts”

The two remained silent and observed Harry who was now beside Sirius, until they heard Tonks.

“I was never a prefect myself, my Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities.”

“Like what?” asked Ginny

“Like the ability to behave myself,” 

They all laughed

“What about you, Sirius?” Ginny asked, thumping Hermione on the back, who was choking on her butterbeer

“No one would have made me a prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy; he got the badge.” Sirius smiled when he saw how Harry’s mood changed 

“I think Dumbledore might have hoped that I would be able to exercise some control over my best friends,” said Remus “I need scarcely say that I failed dismally.”


End file.
